Rollercoaster. dot dot dot.
Feelings~ I'm getting used to them...again. Feelings...the flip-flopping stomach... the butterflies and giddiness followed by the feeling of inevitable impending doom. This is what I love and hate. This is why I am excited and terrified at the same time. I can't say I've had NO feelings about anything until now, because believe me... I have had many. 2010 was a year of intense feelings. Changes~ new shift, new work partner...gaining~ new friends, losing~ my BFF (RIP HBG :( )..& of course...the recent & big one~ a boy, one I actually like. And that's a big deal for me. The driving force behind my newfound urge to write things out...so I can see...what it is I am actually doing, I suppose. Patterns are a bitch...especially self- defeating ones. So 2010 contained the most feelings I've had to endure since that fateful day in 1999...which I still remain forever grateful for.
Anyway...I needed an outlet beside my paper journal, which has remained basically untouched for months so, I chose LJ.....no one reads my LJ~ it's not like that devil crack FB..where things can be taken out of context, and you feel like everything you post is under scrutiny by the masses...and you get offended and I get offended and they get offended and he said she said and blahblitty blah blah....where's the fun in that???? It's more like torture sometimes. And how it got to be that way, I am clueless.
See~ scattered..nothing I'm rambling about has anything to do with anything, and yet it is connected. Urgh. I don't know where I'm going with this. I think I'd like for everything to be exactly what it is...and it is what it is. But once again I don't even know what the h*ll it is. AND...it is me...probably 96% all me, living in my head, listening to the committee up there that tells me that all things good come to an end..which I know is true, and no, there are no guarantees another truth I've learned. But being totally ok with that. One minute. And the next...not so much. I sabotage relationships.....not outright. But...inadvertently. And I know it's for fear of being vulnerable and eventually hurt. Yet it's worth the risk. Or is it? It is...I suppose. I know that from experience. Feelings can't kill me!!!!!! But it was a long time coming to learn that. "I hope you get what you deserve" Is a compliment now. And I do hope I get what I deserve. :) Yes. I DO believe that. Today at least.
And ~ everything is really simple.
Anyway...I needed an outlet beside my paper journal, which has remained basically untouched for months so, I chose LJ.....no one reads my LJ~ it's not like that devil crack FB..where things can be taken out of context, and you feel like everything you post is under scrutiny by the masses...and you get offended and I get offended and they get offended and he said she said and blahblitty blah blah....where's the fun in that???? It's more like torture sometimes. And how it got to be that way, I am clueless.
See~ scattered..nothing I'm rambling about has anything to do with anything, and yet it is connected. Urgh. I don't know where I'm going with this. I think I'd like for everything to be exactly what it is...and it is what it is. But once again I don't even know what the h*ll it is. AND...it is me...probably 96% all me, living in my head, listening to the committee up there that tells me that all things good come to an end..which I know is true, and no, there are no guarantees another truth I've learned. But being totally ok with that. One minute. And the next...not so much. I sabotage relationships.....not outright. But...inadvertently. And I know it's for fear of being vulnerable and eventually hurt. Yet it's worth the risk. Or is it? It is...I suppose. I know that from experience. Feelings can't kill me!!!!!! But it was a long time coming to learn that. "I hope you get what you deserve" Is a compliment now. And I do hope I get what I deserve. :) Yes. I DO believe that. Today at least.
And ~ everything is really simple.