(no subject)
I used to be happy. I was reading through an old journal of "Happy thoughts, dreams, and ambitions". I started it in 2004. That was my senior year of high school. Apparently I've changed a good bit in 6 years. But then again, in some ways, I haven't. I expected the impossible then, and I still expect it now. I wish for things I know I'll never receive, probably because I don't deserve them.
I want someone to tell me that they miss me and love me when they've been away from me. Alright, let me qualify that by saying I'd like to hear it from someone OTHER than my immediate family. But it seems I'm either supposed to know that someone misses me automatically or I'm just that forgettable.
I want to be able to have a job and a little money and be able to do things like go to Con, instead of being miserable and on the verge of tears all weekend because I *really* miss my friends. And it's unfortunate that we all live so far away from each other. That's the bitter part of the bittersweet internet friendships. But no. I can't seem to get a job. And I'm trying. I know most people think I'm a slacker, but I really am trying. It's difficult. I either have poor timing or am just not qualified, I suppose. Maybe I'm not good enough.
I'd like to not feel so invisible. On the flipside, I don't want to be an attention whore. I'd just like to be recognized for the things I do. Maybe I should just let that go, but a "thanks for all that you do" and a hug is all I'd really like. Or maybe I don't do enough. When I sit down at the end of most days, I feel like I've accomplished a good bit, but perhaps it's not enough.
I dislike double standards and I'd like to stop being a part of them. People get upset with me when I post fun news or something on say, facebook or twitter, before I tell them directly. So I've made an effort to tell people important or fun things privately before I post it to a social networking site. I'd love if the same courtesy were extended to me. But instead I find out along with the rest of the world at the same time. It makes me feel unimportant.
I really want to not feel so broken anymore. I feel like I'm a shell of who I used to be. I remember being happy and bouncy and giggly quite often. I always seemed to have something to look forward to. Now I don't know. I don't know if I deserve to be happy. I'm so unsure if I'm truly loved that I'm scared. And don't have much self worth these days. I'm having a hard time trusting what people tell me because that means I have to let my guard down. And when my guard is down, I'm afraid I'll get hurt. I'm timid, afraid, and I don't feel in control. I apologize for everything even if it's not my fault. It's easier to take the blame than it is to confront the real problem. I'm starting to recognize that that is NOT okay. I'm terrified and lost in my own life.
Being terrified and lost is not a good thing when so many people rely on you for different things. There is no more balance in my life. I'm faking it. I put on a brave face and pretend to be happy. I don't know how much longer I can keep it up. I have goals and dreams and they are slipping away. School is taking forever. And while I'm happy to be back in school, I know I should have been finished a long time ago. I don't know that I'll ever get married and have a family. I don't feel that I deserve that happiness. Maybe it's not written in the stars for me after all. Owning my own restaurant? That will likely always remain a dream. I'm not cut-throat enough for that, so it would seem.
It could be that I'm selfish. I've always struggled with that. Well, that and disappointing people. I feel like a failure. People leave me and turn away from me because I'm not good enough. And if they come back, they aren't happy about it. I was naive to think that...well I was naive about a lot of things, to be honest. And growing up is proving to be a mighty struggle. I'm losing it and I'm frightened.
I always hope things will turn around, because I believe they always do. I still believe that we all have our ups and downs and life. You have to get through the downs and savor the ups. But it's easier when you're confident you have someone to help you through both. I don't know that I have that. If I do, I need someone to speak up. I need to be told. It's dark and I can't see. I need to hear it and feel it.
Call me dramatic, call me crazy, call me a blind idiot...call me what you will. But that's where I stand right now- alone in the dark. No, I'm not emo. I'm not going to take my own life. I'm not going to do anything rash. I'm trying to take baby steps to bettering myself and I'm praying that someone will eventually turn on a light for me.
I want someone to tell me that they miss me and love me when they've been away from me. Alright, let me qualify that by saying I'd like to hear it from someone OTHER than my immediate family. But it seems I'm either supposed to know that someone misses me automatically or I'm just that forgettable.
I want to be able to have a job and a little money and be able to do things like go to Con, instead of being miserable and on the verge of tears all weekend because I *really* miss my friends. And it's unfortunate that we all live so far away from each other. That's the bitter part of the bittersweet internet friendships. But no. I can't seem to get a job. And I'm trying. I know most people think I'm a slacker, but I really am trying. It's difficult. I either have poor timing or am just not qualified, I suppose. Maybe I'm not good enough.
I'd like to not feel so invisible. On the flipside, I don't want to be an attention whore. I'd just like to be recognized for the things I do. Maybe I should just let that go, but a "thanks for all that you do" and a hug is all I'd really like. Or maybe I don't do enough. When I sit down at the end of most days, I feel like I've accomplished a good bit, but perhaps it's not enough.
I dislike double standards and I'd like to stop being a part of them. People get upset with me when I post fun news or something on say, facebook or twitter, before I tell them directly. So I've made an effort to tell people important or fun things privately before I post it to a social networking site. I'd love if the same courtesy were extended to me. But instead I find out along with the rest of the world at the same time. It makes me feel unimportant.
I really want to not feel so broken anymore. I feel like I'm a shell of who I used to be. I remember being happy and bouncy and giggly quite often. I always seemed to have something to look forward to. Now I don't know. I don't know if I deserve to be happy. I'm so unsure if I'm truly loved that I'm scared. And don't have much self worth these days. I'm having a hard time trusting what people tell me because that means I have to let my guard down. And when my guard is down, I'm afraid I'll get hurt. I'm timid, afraid, and I don't feel in control. I apologize for everything even if it's not my fault. It's easier to take the blame than it is to confront the real problem. I'm starting to recognize that that is NOT okay. I'm terrified and lost in my own life.
Being terrified and lost is not a good thing when so many people rely on you for different things. There is no more balance in my life. I'm faking it. I put on a brave face and pretend to be happy. I don't know how much longer I can keep it up. I have goals and dreams and they are slipping away. School is taking forever. And while I'm happy to be back in school, I know I should have been finished a long time ago. I don't know that I'll ever get married and have a family. I don't feel that I deserve that happiness. Maybe it's not written in the stars for me after all. Owning my own restaurant? That will likely always remain a dream. I'm not cut-throat enough for that, so it would seem.
It could be that I'm selfish. I've always struggled with that. Well, that and disappointing people. I feel like a failure. People leave me and turn away from me because I'm not good enough. And if they come back, they aren't happy about it. I was naive to think that...well I was naive about a lot of things, to be honest. And growing up is proving to be a mighty struggle. I'm losing it and I'm frightened.
I always hope things will turn around, because I believe they always do. I still believe that we all have our ups and downs and life. You have to get through the downs and savor the ups. But it's easier when you're confident you have someone to help you through both. I don't know that I have that. If I do, I need someone to speak up. I need to be told. It's dark and I can't see. I need to hear it and feel it.
Call me dramatic, call me crazy, call me a blind idiot...call me what you will. But that's where I stand right now- alone in the dark. No, I'm not emo. I'm not going to take my own life. I'm not going to do anything rash. I'm trying to take baby steps to bettering myself and I'm praying that someone will eventually turn on a light for me.