dear joey
dear joey,
it took me a year to start writing in a diary. it took me a year to again find comfort in the lines of a white page where i could confide my most inner thougts...suspend my heart into a pen and put the blood of my life and the lines in my palm onto blank space.1 year to open my thoughts carefully like an old closet ..dusty with new and old. 1year ago i would write and erase. i would write and burn the paper as i go.
joey it took me 1year to love agan. 1year to lay myself vulnerable to another . naked ready to be touched and felt from every corner. you appeared in my life with soft open arms. so beautiful with your firework alive eyes and wine stained lips. it took me 1year to write and 1year to love agai it is you that i have loved again-pure love that i want to burn to ash and sprinkle over your body and the earth. i want to frame your kindness and hang it on my back. i want to put your head between my breast so we can feel safe together and drown our blues into the blankets.
i have fantastic memories with you. the first time i kissed your neck/ hugging in toronto/ and staying up late being wild immortal and young/ being drunk in ghost town greek islands and narrow streets with stray cats and dogs/arm in arm on random ferries with all the shades of blue accesbile to our eyes/driving in small towns listening to greek hip hop/ talking about everything and nothing/digging up our jewish roots and analyzing our crazy past and present/ i have loved you for everything you are and everything your not/ i have loved you with my arms and my legs/ with my eyes and my mouth/i have loved every square inch of your body and smile/ i have loved you and loved you and loved you
im in barcelona / 10minutes away from you but oceans apart/ i have been banging my head on the wall/ trying to break my numbness/ trying ti let the feelings pour out of me/ sometimes my feelings are a brokentap that wont leak out/ they drip drip slowly with a frustrating slow movement/ there is no clear explanation for my behavior the last while-i wish there was. my feelings have changed or altered or shifted towards you and us and it has taken me awhile to be foward andhonest with that. this change isnot about what happened in milan. i did have a good time with tina but im not in love with her.
i love you. but im not in love with you. maybe its because im running away from intense emotions. maybe its because i know realistically after june there would be a major block in a future for us. whatever the various reasons may be..feelings are feelings and stick like glue.
i think i also felt pressure to be the sole stability in your life-an expectation whether true or perceived was to great for me. you said recently that in this stage of your life you want a mature trusting long term relaitionship. this is a valid want but proved hypocritical seeing as you severly violated me by reading my words and private thoughts.
i came to spain to see you. to try and mend or sew the block of us. i came because i love you and value our friendhsip incredibly. in this moment ive decided i only want to be friends. i understand if its not something you can be or do with me rightnow. i thought of asking you if we could spend a couple weeks together in barcelona as friends but ive realized that its unrealistic seeing as painful feelings would put a load on our backs.
ive decided to leave and go to berlin until i meet my mother andthen i will go meeet debbie..later i wil return to amsterdma to look for work before i part for toronto.
from the bottom of my heart..im sorry-im not sure for what exactly but the feeling is held tightly in all my pores and has me breathing a bag of stones.
it took me a year to start writing in a diary. it took me a year to again find comfort in the lines of a white page where i could confide my most inner thougts...suspend my heart into a pen and put the blood of my life and the lines in my palm onto blank space.1 year to open my thoughts carefully like an old closet ..dusty with new and old. 1year ago i would write and erase. i would write and burn the paper as i go.
joey it took me 1year to love agan. 1year to lay myself vulnerable to another . naked ready to be touched and felt from every corner. you appeared in my life with soft open arms. so beautiful with your firework alive eyes and wine stained lips. it took me 1year to write and 1year to love agai it is you that i have loved again-pure love that i want to burn to ash and sprinkle over your body and the earth. i want to frame your kindness and hang it on my back. i want to put your head between my breast so we can feel safe together and drown our blues into the blankets.
i have fantastic memories with you. the first time i kissed your neck/ hugging in toronto/ and staying up late being wild immortal and young/ being drunk in ghost town greek islands and narrow streets with stray cats and dogs/arm in arm on random ferries with all the shades of blue accesbile to our eyes/driving in small towns listening to greek hip hop/ talking about everything and nothing/digging up our jewish roots and analyzing our crazy past and present/ i have loved you for everything you are and everything your not/ i have loved you with my arms and my legs/ with my eyes and my mouth/i have loved every square inch of your body and smile/ i have loved you and loved you and loved you
im in barcelona / 10minutes away from you but oceans apart/ i have been banging my head on the wall/ trying to break my numbness/ trying ti let the feelings pour out of me/ sometimes my feelings are a brokentap that wont leak out/ they drip drip slowly with a frustrating slow movement/ there is no clear explanation for my behavior the last while-i wish there was. my feelings have changed or altered or shifted towards you and us and it has taken me awhile to be foward andhonest with that. this change isnot about what happened in milan. i did have a good time with tina but im not in love with her.
i love you. but im not in love with you. maybe its because im running away from intense emotions. maybe its because i know realistically after june there would be a major block in a future for us. whatever the various reasons may be..feelings are feelings and stick like glue.
i think i also felt pressure to be the sole stability in your life-an expectation whether true or perceived was to great for me. you said recently that in this stage of your life you want a mature trusting long term relaitionship. this is a valid want but proved hypocritical seeing as you severly violated me by reading my words and private thoughts.
i came to spain to see you. to try and mend or sew the block of us. i came because i love you and value our friendhsip incredibly. in this moment ive decided i only want to be friends. i understand if its not something you can be or do with me rightnow. i thought of asking you if we could spend a couple weeks together in barcelona as friends but ive realized that its unrealistic seeing as painful feelings would put a load on our backs.
ive decided to leave and go to berlin until i meet my mother andthen i will go meeet debbie..later i wil return to amsterdma to look for work before i part for toronto.
from the bottom of my heart..im sorry-im not sure for what exactly but the feeling is held tightly in all my pores and has me breathing a bag of stones.