paris
im now in paris alone feelin a little overwhelmed. ive spent the last month working at the s trip cllub abd being inlove with joey. weve spent so much together that i keep turning my head expeccting her to be there. damn we had the best sex weve eever had last night...in my opinion. i feel like a loser traveller cause i havent left the hostel and explored..but ive decided to start my journey tommorow.im still feelin pretty crazy....it goes up and down.. i just feel disconnected from myself and those around me..like i cant feel my own two f eet pressing and touchingthe ground. sometimes i even feel like those around m e are figments of my imagination.ya weird. ive been reading anne franks dairy and im enjoing reading asit..im also so impressed by her w riter skills. the other somebody said i look like anne frank...that comment made me sad for some reason. i think the book is a such a good way of learning about the war and howit affected people on a day to day basis. i hate how joey's presence is was makes me queer causse s/hes butch and noticebly gay....it frustrates me so much rhat u have to out myself to the world if i want to make some gay paris firends.im not very satisfied with how little dairy entries or poems ive written since being away.and writing journal entries on the internet doesnt seem real.i miss familliar faces,streets andmemeoreiis. i miss time alone...and i dont consider sharing a room with ten other people as time alone just caue im laone and without joey. i think joey and i have decided fianlly togo to israel. i think we mostly decided yes becausse we wwere so tired of intense conversations and sitting onthe fence with the isssue of going. the idea makes me tremble buti think its the right choice...though i still neeed to question my motivations of going. well see..hopefully i wont die.fuck i want a friend at this hostel right now..its times like these that i miss my old travelling partners like caitlin and gavin.....somebody to play cards with and be ccrazy with. i miss my grandpa . this city makes me think of my grandparents...they hardly ever mention happy times in there lives..but when they do its always paris that they recall witht the fondness of memories cause this i s where they came after the war to fall in love, rejoicec i n being alive and have my mother. i cannot imagine even if i tried ..of how it must felt to be a jew..and flee to p aris..alive knowing all your familly was dead and more dead. tommorow i shall go and be a gay jew in the famous marrais district.