THE REAL LJ IDOL FRIENDS AND RIVALS -- WEEK 15.0
CAVEAT EMPTOR
If a bargain seems too good to be true... then it probably is.
Once upon a time, long long three years ago next August, in a faraway land suburban New Jersey, there lived a poor farm girl struggling actress named Helen Jones. She mainly appeared in Off-Broadway productions, though she also had a walk-on bit in an episode of LAW AND ORDER: CRIMINAL INTENT, so you may have actually seen the lady. She is rather talented, though I'll say up front that she'll never win any awards.
Helen was the sort of woman who knew exactly what she wanted and refused to settle for anything less than her heart's true desire. As such, despite her good looks she had very little luck at dating, as all the men she met bored her. She expected to experience “Love At First Sight”, and though she occasionally met some rather handsome and charming fellows in her line of work, she never encountered one who figuratively swept her off her feet the moment she saw him... and so the men she went out with never really had a chance. Because even as a fully grown woman, Helen still believed in fairy tales, and was seeking for her 'Happily Ever After' romance...
Helen sat in front of her computer as she sifted through her e-mail spam folder; she did this partly to make sure that no important messages got deleted by mistake but also for entertainment, as she enjoyed reading the poorly-worded and badly thought-out enticements for various cheap products and obvious scams. She chuckled aloud at the spelling mistakes in one of the more obvious “Nigerian Bank Account” messages. She couldn't believe that people still fell for such stupid come-ons--
Despite herself, Helen leaned forward in her seat when she came across the e-mail with the heading “WE CAN GET YOU YOUR HEART'S DESIRE!” Intrigued, she clicked her mouse button to open the message, revealing a pleasantly worded advertisement:
WE GET OUR CLIENTS WHAT THEY TRULY WANT!
Our organization has centuries of experience at making our clients' dreams come true.
Try our services for 30 days, absolutely free of charge and with no obligation to continue!
Contact our Customer Service department via the attached web link for further details.
THE OLD FIRM
Wealth acquisition and match-making are our specialities!
Helen sat and stared at the message for a few moments... and after making sure the security software on her computer was fully operational she clicked the link in the message. Her web browser opened and a chat window appeared:
[CSR Stiltson]: Hello! I'm R. Stiltson, Customer Service Representative for The Old Firm. How may I assist you?
Helen frowned before typing her response.
[Customer Helen J.]: I'm not quite sure. What can your organization really do for me?
[CSR Stiltson]: Anything and everything. We like to say that we can make anything possible. Please, let me know what your heart's true desire is.
[Customer Helen J.]: You're going to laugh at me.
[CSR Stiltson]: I assure you that I will not. We take our clients' requests very seriously here at The Old Firm. Just tell me what you want, and if you're dissatisfied with our results after 30 days then you can walk away, free and clear. So, what do you truly desire?
Helen steeled herself before typing her response:
[Customer Helen J.]: I want to fall deeply in love with a handsome, rich prince who will love me back just as passionately, then marry him and live with him happily ever after. Nothing less and nothing more.
There was the briefest of pauses before the reply came back.
[CSR Stiltson]: Just like in the fairy tales?
[Customer Helen J.]: Exactly.
There was another brief pause before the reply came back:
[CSR Stiltson]: We can accommodate your request, though it may take a couple of days to arrange. Still, you should see results shortly. I'll contact you personally at the end of the 30-Day trial period to determine how satisfied you are and whether you'll want to arrange a long-term contract for our services. Until then, I will wish you a Good Evening.
Helen shook her head in disbelief and shut down her computer, giggling at the absurdity of what had just occurred.
Two nights later, Helen was home alone enjoying a late snack when her doorbell rang. When she opened the door her mouth fell open of its own accord.
The tall, handsome fellow in the Hugo Boss suit standing on her front porch looked rather embarrassed (and remained completely oblivious to Helen's reaction) as he explained his problem: “I'm sorry to disturb you, but my car broke down just in front of your house and my cell phone can't seem to get a signal out here. Would it be alright if I used your phone to call a tow truck?
“Uhh... Yes! Come in, please!” Helen felt her face flush and her pulse race as she ushered the gentleman into her parlor. 'Love at First Sight' may be a cliché, but that doesn't make it any less thrilling.
Helen made coffee and they sat and drank it and made small talk while they waited for the mechanic to arrive. That's when Helen learned his name was Walter. Walter Prince. “Though I prefer to go by my middle name” he explained as they chatted. “Please call me Richard... or 'Rich' for short.”
Helen felt her heartbeat flutter. “May I ask what you're doing out here in the dead of night?”
Rich actually blushed. “Well, I was celebrating being named a partner at the law firm I work at; there's a great little out-of-the-way restaurant several miles from here that I heard about, so I figured I'd treat myself. But after I finished dinner and started driving home, the GPS on my smartphone goofed when it lost the signal, so I ended up driving down unfamiliar back roads, until...”
Helen sipped her coffee. “Celebrating alone? What about your wife?”
Rich smiled and displayed his unadorned left hand. “No wife. No girlfriend, either. I've been concentrating on my career so much that I didn't have any time for a social life.” He took a long gulp of coffee before continuing. “You know, it's funny... Just before my car broke down, I was thinking of how I should find the time to start dating again.”
When the tow truck arrived, Rich insisted that he take Helen out to dinner the following evening by way of saying 'Thank You'. She agreed, and said she'd be ready to be picked up at 8 PM.
In the time to come, they both considered their impromptu late-night coffee klatch to be their first date. Rich showed up the next night with a bouquet of pink roses. (“Pink is for friendship” he explained.) Things went so well over dinner that Helen agreed to go to a night club with Rich the following evening. He next arrived on her doorstep with two dozen red roses. Things went so well at the club that Rich invited Helen back to his place... and she stayed the night.
They had enough in common so that they always enjoyed each other's company, but enough differences to keep the relationship interesting and lively. And Rich was just kinky enough to make each romp in bed a new and fascinating experience without ever making Helen feel degraded or used.
Every day, Helen found herself thinking that things couldn't get any better... and yet, somehow, they did.
Their whirlwind courtship went on for a month, and the relationship had developed so quickly that Helen knew it would only be another day or two before Rich was going to ask her to move in with him, if he didn't just pop the question. As such, when Helen's doorbell rang that evening she thoroughly expected to find Rich standing on her doorstep, coming by for a unscheduled late-night tryst. But when she flung the door open she was both surprised and disappointed by what she found:
A short, squat figure was standing on her front porch. Barely four feet tall, he was dressed in a pinstriped Armani suit... though that last point was difficult to see past the full beard which reached down to just above the tops of his hand-made Italian leather shoes. “Ms. Jones?” His voice was a deep rumble, like rocks grinding against each other. “Ms. Helen Jones?”
For a moment, Helen's voice caught in her throat. “Y-yes, that's me.”
The little man bobbed his head slightly. “My name is Stiltson, of The Old Firm. We communicated briefly over the Internet, 30 days ago. May I come in?”
Though flustered, Helen found herself saying “Yes, of course, please do!”
“Thank you.” Stiltson waddled inside and Helen shut the door behind him. The little man unbuttoned his jacket. “Might I trouble you for a cup of coffee? We may as well be comfortable as we chat.”
Helen blinked in mild surprise. “The kitchen is this way, though I don’t see what there is to discuss.”
“Well, I wanted to see whether you were satisfied with the quality of the service my firm has provided so far”, Stiltson replied amiably as he followed Helen. “We also need to determine whether you wish to enroll in a long-term contract with us to continue the work that we’re doing for you.”
Helen shook her head as she poured her guest a mug of coffee from the pot. “I can’t see that your organization has provided any service to me whatsoever.”
Stiltson chuckled. “I suppose it might seem that way, as we do most of our work out of sight.” He glanced at the offered mug. “No cream, but three teaspoons of sugar, if you please. ‘Black as the devil but sweet like a stolen kiss’, as the saying goes.” He continued speaking as Helen reached for the sugar bowl. “No, we do our best work out of sight… but we did arrange for you to get what you wanted: The deep, abiding love of a handsome, ‘Rich’ Prince… just like in the fairy tales. But then again, The Old Firm is the basis of many such tales.”
Helen froze, then turned to face Stiltson with an expression of shock on her face. “What is this, some sort of practical joke?”
The little creature in the Armani suit shook its head. “No joke, Ms. Jones. Just business.” He took the mug of sweetened coffee from Helen’s trembling hand. “Come now, did you really think that it was pure luck that an attractive, available man with a name like ‘Rich’ Prince would suddenly appear on your doorstep and fall deeply in love with you in a matter of days? We at The Old Firm take pride in fulfilling our clients’ requests to the letter.” Stiltson slurped his coffee noisily and grinned at her... and all his teeth were sharp, pointed fangs. Upon seeing that, Helen suddenly realized that she was in the presence of something immeasurably old… and utterly inhuman.
Helen’s mind started racing, mentally reviewing all the fairy tales she knew and she started reasoning aloud: “R. Stiltson… Rumple… Stilts… Kin.”
The little troll arched its eyebrows. “Not my real name, mind you, but an homage to a colleague of mine. Well, an ex-colleague, actually; he lost his… position… after that particular deal went sour.” The creature shrugged. “I’ve found that using such a recognizable alias helps me establish my bonafides, as the saying goes.”
Helen set her coffee mug on the table and her knees began to shake. “Are you saying… that you made Rich fall in love with me?”
Stiltson nodded. “Just so. What you need to understand, Ms. Jones, is that what you and your fellow humans call ‘True Love’ is always based on magic. Occasionally, your people manage to generate the appropriate magic themselves, but far more often it happens through the influence of those properly trained in the mystic arts… and we at The Old Firm are rather good at this sort of thing.”
The troll chuckled in a fashion that sent shivers up Helen’s spine. “We found a candidate which fit your requirements, then cast the appropriate spells upon him so that he would find himself on your doorstep and fall deeply in love with you… but your 30-Day Trial Period expires tonight. Unless you agree to accept a long-term contract with The Old Firm, we will remove that enchantment from Mr. Prince at midnight… and trust me when I say that without our influence, Mr. Prince wouldn’t have the slightest interest in you.”
The troll snorted derisively. “To be brutally frank, without that spell, Walter Richard Prince wouldn’t ever want to see you again. Not that you’d especially want him, either. You see, without our influence the man is normally what you would call an ‘absolute prude’. That’s the real reason why he was available; all his previous paramours found him to be an utter and complete bore, both in the bedroom and out of it. As such, he’d be at least mildly… disgusted... at the things you’ve done together in bed… and he’d hold you responsible for his committing what he considers to be ‘reprehensible acts’.” Stiltson chuckled again. “If you try to phone Mr. Prince after the spell expires, he would call you a ‘shameless slut’ and then hang up on you. He would never want to continue a relationship with the sort of a woman who enjoyed the sort of ‘perversions’ that you ‘forced’ him to perform, and he certainly would never marry you… unless, of course you agree to the terms of our ‘lifetime contract’, wherein The Old Firm would maintain the enchantment for as long as you both shall live.”
Helen sputtered. “I… I don’t have much money-”
Stiltson scoffed. “Please, Ms. Jones, we at The Old Firm have no need of money. You’re familiar with my colleague’s tale, so you already know the terms of such a contract. Do I really need to spell it out for you?”
Helen fell heavily into a nearby chair and began trembling from head to toe as she shut her eyes tightly… but she managed to gasp out: “Yes, say it! SAY IT!”
Stiltson’s stern reply brooked no argument: “In exchange for continuing the love spell upon Mister Walter Richard Prince indefinitely, you must agree to give The Old Firm… your first-born child.”
After a few seconds, Helen opened her eyes and stared at the awful troll as tears streamed down her cheeks. “But… why?! Whatever for?”
The squat creature waggled a stubby finger at her. “We have found that our clients tend to be… more content… if they don’t know such details. In some ways, apparently, ignorance truly is bliss. However, let me assure you that we have vastly improved our ‘asset retrieval’ process over the last few centuries. If you agree to such a contract, we shall never see each other again… but exactly one week after your first live birth, the child will simply vanish from their crib. There is no force on this Earth which would prevent it… but if you so choose, you could always have more children, as our spell would ensure that your beloved Mr. Prince would stay with you despite such a loss. Indeed, he’ll remain madly and devotedly in love with you, no matter what. However, without that spell… the joy you’ve experienced for the last few weeks will dry up and vanish just like the morning dew.”
Helen clutched her head in her hands. “I… I couldn’t… possibly…”
Stiltson harrumphed. “Normally, I’d just walk out of here and contact you in a couple of weeks, after you’d had a chance to re-experience just how awful life is without love… but my schedule is booked solid for the next month with my travelling to meet other prospective clients around the globe. I’d rather settle this matter tonight instead of having you suffer needlessly until I’m available again." Stiltson cocked his head. "How about I throw in a bonus: If you agree to the contract tonight, I guarantee that you and Mr. Prince will have long, healthy lives together. That will maximize your Happily Ever After, now won’t it?”
Helen stared at the ugly troll. “You promise… you won’t interfere in our lives… in any other fashion?”
Stiltson nodded. “Except for the aforementioned issue of ‘asset retrieval’, The Old Firm would otherwise leave you and Mr. Prince alone to live out your lives in peace.”
Helen took several deep breaths before she asked in a quavering voice: “And Rich will love me and stay with me, no matter what?”
Stiltson grinned toothily. “Absolutely. He won’t even *THINK* of another woman, much less look at one. I guarantee it… and my word is my bond.” The troll spat in its right hand and offered it to Helen. “So… do we have a deal?”
Helen hesitated for a few seconds… then with a single quick motion she spat in her own palm and shook the creature’s offered hand. Stiltson pumped their limbs up and down three times, and Helen felt her skin tingle as the pact took effect. As soon as the troll released its grip, Helen stood and raced to the kitchen sink and started desperately scrubbing her hand as she wailed hysterically.
Stiltson stood up and quipped as nonchalantly as he could: “It’s been a pleasure doing business with you, Ms. Jones. I’ll see myself out, shall I?”
Helen screamed at the creature between sobs without looking back. “GO! JUST GET OUT!!!”
Stiltson turned and headed for the door, utterly pleased with himself. He would have to remember to offer to throw in a "Long and Healthy Life" bonus the next time he wanted to seal a deal quickly; it normally took prospective clients at least a month without love before they contacted The Old Firm, begging to have the spell renewed. With this new gimmick up his sleeve, he was sure he'd start closing deals so fast that he'd make Salestroll of the Decade... perhaps even Salestroll of the Century! He hummed a little ditty to himself as he reviewed his notes regarding the location of his next prospective client.
Helen remained at the sink, washing her hands for the next five minutes, even though her palms were rubbed raw after just three. However, she furtively glanced at the kitchen clock and made sure she did not stop until the full five minutes had elapsed. Then and only then did she walk to the front door, which Stiltson had left open after exiting. She looked outside for a few seconds and saw no trace of Stiltson… but to play it safe, she slammed the door shut with all the force she could muster. She then leaned back against the door, and let out a long sigh of relief… and her lips curved upwards into a self-satisfied smile.
Helen would never win any awards for her acting, because her range of talent was rather limited… but she knew she absolutely excelled at melodramatic roles. She took great pride in her ability to cry convincingly on cue.
Helen truly was the sort of woman who knew exactly what she wanted… and she most assuredly did *NOT* want to ever have children. She did not have the temperament to ever deal with ‘rug rats’… and so a few years before she had gone out and had her tubes tied, to make sure she would never have to deal with such an eventuality. Indeed, in her mind she had made that point clear in her online exchange with Stiltson just 30 days prior:
“I want to fall deeply in love with a handsome, rich prince who will love me back just as passionately, then marry him and live with him happily ever after. Nothing less and nothing more.”
Granted, she had not discussed the matter of children with Rich yet, but Stiltson had assured her that Rich would love her and stay devoted to her no matter what. Hell, the old troll had even guaranteed it!
Helen could not prevent herself from dancing like a giddy schoolgirl as she made her way back to her bedroom… though she reminded herself that she should act appropriately shocked and grateful when Rich got around to proposing to her…
This piece is an entry for the "Friends and Rivals" mini-season of THE REAL LIVEJOURNAL IDOL. It is based on the prompt "Satisfaction Guaranteed".
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