THE REAL LJ IDOL SEASON 8 WEEK 12 -- Some Assembly Required
THE SUM OF MY PARTS
I admit I have done wrong, and am deserving of judgment. However, I beg the court's indulgence and request that it considers the truly unique circumstances of my existence before it renders its decision.
By his own declaration, my creator abandoned me almost from the moment I first drew breath, leaving me completely alone to fend for myself in a strange and hostile environment. The man spent much of his early life fixated upon the idea of bringing new life into the world, but upon the instant of his success he refused to take any responsibility for me and soon fled from the house in revulsion. My creator has been described as "the modern Prometheus", but in every regard he more closely resembles Epimetheus; he never once considered the consequences of his actions beforehand, and frequently attempted to deny his errors after the fact. Surely my creator must have noted the nature of my form before he imbued it with the spark of life. If my visage is so frightful that even my own creator ran from me in disgust and horror when I first opened my eyes, is that not his own fault?
And so, barely a day after my "birth" I found myself utterly alone in a world of which I knew absolutely nothing. With no tutor or mentor to guide me and only instinct to work from, I was left to my own devices to build a life for myself.
For a time, I wandered the wilderness with no protection from the elements. By observing the creatures of the forest I learned to sustain myself with nuts and berries. Over time I found enough abandoned clothing to at least partially cover my nakedness. However, when in my travels I directly encountered humans, it always went badly: individually they fled from me in terror, and when they banded together they would attack me, though I had never done them any harm. Despite this, I yearned for companionship, and tried again to approach the race of men as a friend. For several months, I surreptitiously watched the De Lacey family in their remote cottage. By listening to them and noting how they interacted, I learned speech and the fundamentals of human behavior. Eventually I approached the patriarch of the house when he was alone. Being blind, the elder De Lacey accepted me into his home with grace and charity, and for a few short minutes I hoped that I had at last found some kith with whom I could share company. Alas, when the old man's children returned home they attacked me and drove me into the night... leaving me forlorn and bereft once more.
I can honestly say that up to this point I had never intentionally harmed anyone. I had suffered great pains at the hands of mankind, yet I had not struck back once, not even in self-defense. Surely this says something positive of my early nature? But it has been said that even the most docile dog will bite if abused long enough... and after all that I had experienced, I was rapidly approaching the limit of what I could endure.
For several weeks, I analyzed the nature of my existence, and tried to piece together a solution to my troubles. In my misery and loneliness, my mind turned to my creator... and I chose to seek him out, and demand satisfaction from him.
In my travels I continued to hide from the race of men, though I was sick from loneliness and had no shelter from the winter's wrath. Only once in my journey did I deliberately reveal myself, to save the life of a drowning child... and for my efforts I received a bullet wound from her guardian before I had an opportunity to explain what had occurred. Can any reasonable man truly blame me if my disposition towards mankind soured after that incident?
When at last I arrived here in Geneva, by pure chance I happened upon my creator's younger sibling. I had originally hoped that I might spirit the child away and eventually make him my willing companion... but like the rest of humanity, the youth was repulsed by my appearance. I initially did not intend to extinguish the life of the child, but upon discovering his relationship to my creator I became enraged... and with my prodigious strength I crushed his throat effortlessly. I confess that I took pleasure in the deed, insofar as I knew that it would cause my creator much distress. But at the time my action appeared just to me: I had been denied even the most basic forms of companionship and family, so it seemed only fair that my creator should lose his kith and kin, thereby suffering in the same way that I suffered. Similarly, I deliberately placed evidence of my crime upon the sleeping form of an innocent woman, knowing she would be blamed for the child's death, and causing more distress within the community. When I later learned that the woman was a servant for my creator's family, I briefly reveled in the discovery, knowing that my handiwork would instill even greater anguish in my creator's heart. But after my revels, I felt guilt and shame... for I knew that my deeds had distanced me even further from humanity.
After committing these crimes, I secluded myself in the Alpine mountains, far away from the eyes of men... but instinctively I knew that some day I would confront my creator once more. And so I was not surprised some months later when I spied the man walking alone upon a glacier near my hiding place. I had every reason to destroy him, but I did not do so... though I took some delight in his distress when I admitted my misdeeds to him. Yet while I despised the man for the horrid existence he had bestowed upon me, I attempted to explain my plight to him, and swore a solemn vow: if he would but create a female being like myself to be my mate, I would never trouble mankind again.
I beg the court to consider this request to my creator in the light of my circumstances. In every way imaginable I was utterly alone, and despised by virtually all of humanity. I had at last accepted the fact that there was no way I could live among the race of men; they would judge me by my form as opposed to my deeds. It was only after my repeated attempts to approach humanity in friendship had been violently rebuffed that I finally responded with violence in return. Yet though I had been horribly abused by mankind, ultimately the only thing I truly wanted was a single companion to share my existence with... and if my creator had fulfilled my request, I would have left humanity to their own devices for the rest of my days.
I concede that I threatened my creator when he initially refused my appeal, but my passions were upon me in that moment. Eventually I attempted to reason with the man again; I argued that what I desired was both natural and just... as well as the best solution available, not only for myself but for the rest of mankind as well. At length he grudgingly agreed to my demand... but even as he made this promise to me, I knew that he had no desire to keep it.
I soon discovered that my mistrust in my creator was well-placed. I followed the man as he went abroad, and though he initially started work upon the project, I watched him destroy the form that would have been my companion. When I confronted him and reminded him of his oath, he spurned me completely. My rage came upon me once again, and a simple thought ran through my mind: If I were to be left alone and abandoned, then so too would be my creator. If I could not have justice, then I would have retribution.
I will not attempt to mitigate my next actions: I first sought out my creator's closest friend, and strangled him. Much later, I followed my creator back to his homeland, and throttled his bride to death upon their wedding night. I confess that my actions were deliberate; that I took the lives of these two individuals with malice in my heart. My intention was to make my creator experience a fraction of the agony that I endured every waking moment: to be friendless and bereft of companionship. And in that regard, I succeeded. But I ask the court to believe me when I say I took no pleasure in these murders. Indeed, I felt nothing but guilt and shame afterward. I came to realize that I was becoming the fiend my creator accused me of being -- a monster that knew only hatred and spite, and destroyed anything good and beautiful that it could not possess.
Though I could not bring myself to take my own life, I eventually fled to the northern polar wastes to separate myself from the rest of humanity... with my creator in hot pursuit. I deliberately left clues and messages to goad the man on, though I am not entirely sure why. Sometimes I wished only to torment him further; other times I hoped that my creator might succeed in terminating my wretched existence, bringing an end to my miseries. But that was not to be: ultimately my creator succumbed to exhaustion and starvation, and he passed peacefully from this world. This discovery utterly destroyed my desire to live -- making him suffer had been my only reason for being in those last few months. Once he, my last connection to humanity, was gone, I realized the depths to which I had sunk... and though I still felt justified in my vengeance, I also believed that my sins had placed me beyond redemption. I fled across the wastes until I found a wrecked vessel, crushed by the ice. I entered the shattered hulk and set the derelict aflame, intending it to be my funeral pyre. Soon the heat and smoke overtook me, and I thought I had breathed my last.
I know not how long I remained unconscious. When I became aware of my senses again, I found my body completely entombed in ice. At first I believed that I was receiving divine punishment in Judecca, as described in Master Alighieri's grand opus; a fitting place for me, considering how I had tormented my own creator. But in time I realized that I was quite alive... and discovered that my creator had built better than he knew. Though fire pained me, my flesh was quite resistant to flame, and the heat from the burning wreck had only blistered my skin. However, the inferno had melted the ice under the vessel, and my form had sunk under the waters before they refroze. I was unable to free myself from my predicament; my muscles could not budge the frozen walls which surrounded me. Though deprived of air, I did not suffocate... and much later, when the pangs of hunger and thirst came upon me, I found that I could not starve. Unable to move even a fraction, I had no choice but to endure this frozen hell... and ponder the circumstances which had lead me to this fate; a fate that I believed I truly deserved.
I fully expected to remain interred in my icy prison for the rest of eternity... and indeed, it seemed an eternity passed before I felt the frozen walls of my crypt shudder violently. As the tremors repeated themselves with ever-increasing frequency, I eventually realized that the ice which surrounded me was breaking up as it melted... and some time later, the walls which encased me thinned enough for me to extricate myself. I swam from floe to floe until I encountered land... and with great trepidation, I sought out humankind, to see what had become of them during my imprisonment.
I was shocked and amazed at the world that I found, containing technological wonders that my creator and his ilk had never even conceived. But when I determined the date, I was utterly dumbfounded -- I had been entombed in the ice for two full centuries! I had survived that long without food, drink, or even air! Prior to this discovery, I had assumed that my natural life span was the same as mankind's; now I knew not what to think... but soon I discovered something even more amazing:
The world at large knew the tale of my creation and my various misdeeds... and dismissed it as fiction. In the memory of mankind I was not merely dead: I had, in fact, never existed! I was considered to be nothing more than a bogeyman; a cautionary tale to those that would dabble in "God's domain". My creator's research had been utterly ignored; he, too, was reckoned to be a figment of a female author's imagination. As an aside, I was both bemused and disgusted when I found that the common man referred to my "fictional" counterpart by my creator's familial name, considering how often the man tried to deny me. However, in retrospect I suppose it is fitting: in every way that matters, I am my creator's progeny. But I digress...
I soon learned that the story of my existence had become so corrupted in the public consciousness that it was very likely no one would recognize me as the creature of legend -- the most popular image of "The Monster" came from a so-called motion picture series produced some eighty years previously... and the only thing in common between that fictional representation and myself was our unusual height. In all other ways, I bore no resemblance to the simple-minded brute depicted in the cinema.
But perhaps what amazed me most about this brave new world was the subculture I uncovered, consisting mostly of members of the younger generation, which took great delight in what the mass of humanity considered grotesque and bizarre. There were thousands of people who willingly dressed, decorated, and in some cases scarred themselves to appear as freakishly as possible to the common man. Though the antics of these individuals often confused and bewildered me, I knew that there was a chance -- a rather reasonable chance -- that I could walk among these people without being attacked or molested. Here, at long last, was the fellowship I sought! A generation of humanity that embraced horror and disgust, and made it their badge of honor. And since none of them knew of my misdeeds, I could approach them without fear of rejection. I could "hide in plain sight" among these youths, and completely dismiss my past. It was so tempting, and seemed so easy...
But I could not bring myself to do this. In the wee hours of the night, my conscience whispered to me, and reminded me of my sins... and despite all that I had endured, I had not yet taken the proper path to seek redemption.
I made my way back here to Geneva, to the site of my earliest transgressions. The court may recall how I publicly revealed myself, and insisted that I be charged with the crimes I committed here. The court will also please note that I persisted in my claims even after I was initially dismissed as a charlatan and a fraud, despite my unusual appearance. It took one of your "investigative reporters" several weeks to find records in your archives which confirmed my declarations: that what had been accepted as fiction for centuries was based in solid fact. Eventually the scientific community examined me and confirmed the truly unique nature of my physical form, thus removing all doubt regarding my origins. Once again, I insisted that I be taken into custody and judged in a court of law... and so, we find ourselves here today, to determine what punishment I should receive.
I will not deny that I hope my tale of woe might move the court to show some leniency in its decision. Additionally, various learned men have petitioned the court to grant me clemency, stating that my destruction would be an enormous loss to science. While I appreciate their efforts on my behalf, I find their claims that my nature puts me beyond human justice to be foolhardy. As I stated in the beginning: I admit I have done wrong, and am deserving of judgment. However, despite my sins I believe my most recent behavior shows that I am capable of redemption. I could have continued to evade humanity's wrath... but I chose otherwise. I deliberately placed myself before this court because I finally realized something which even my creator failed to grasp:
A truly moral man takes responsibility for his actions... and accepts the consequences of what he has done.
Having said my piece, I will now patiently await the court's decision, and I will accept whatever punishment the court deems appropriate.