Barely giving in, bargaining, beginning.
Barely giving in, bargaining, beginning. The word play brings comfort as I remind myself where I currently stand - in the middle of starting and barely giving in. Funny how I find solace in identifying my location and in binding myself to categories and expected roles and behavior - and how difficult it is for me to let go of such roles.
How do you identify a student on leave of absence? Inasmuch as I refuse to answer this question, it hurts a little to let go of my status "working student". More than the name - and prestige some people attach to it-, it feels uneasy to say goodbye.
I can confront someone for something I firmly believe was unfair to others, yet it is not easy for me to say goodbye directly - even indirectly. I haven't formalized my LOA, yet the letters to professors and informal correspondences with friends, classmates and batchmates leave me speechless. A batchmate and friend volunteered to send/mail me a copy of Habermas' "Awareness on What is Missing" which I was supposed to read. Another wanted to meet and catch up, another said she supported me in all my endeavors and another struck me by saying that something drastic must've happened for I was too driven to quit. All these move me because I overlooked them. When did I stop appreciating the support and genuine friendship people around me have and offered me?
With bargaining for more time comes regret, and with regret comes despair. I've been here before, but now I choose to skip the regret and move past this.
Truth be told, I hate to leave - but the circumstances in one aspect of life are far too heartbreaking and overwhelming for me to handle. I know that I won't stop learning, that I will miss them - as I already do - and that I will miss studying. I only wish there was a better way for me to say "see you later" and "thank you". More importantly, I hope I could fully disclose the details and explain- but I can't. At best, I can wish them well, support them, hope we meet another day, and continue learning.
...or perhaps I can do better. The sooner I can figure this out, the sooner I can begin.
Bargaining.
How do you identify a student on leave of absence? Inasmuch as I refuse to answer this question, it hurts a little to let go of my status "working student". More than the name - and prestige some people attach to it-, it feels uneasy to say goodbye.
I can confront someone for something I firmly believe was unfair to others, yet it is not easy for me to say goodbye directly - even indirectly. I haven't formalized my LOA, yet the letters to professors and informal correspondences with friends, classmates and batchmates leave me speechless. A batchmate and friend volunteered to send/mail me a copy of Habermas' "Awareness on What is Missing" which I was supposed to read. Another wanted to meet and catch up, another said she supported me in all my endeavors and another struck me by saying that something drastic must've happened for I was too driven to quit. All these move me because I overlooked them. When did I stop appreciating the support and genuine friendship people around me have and offered me?
With bargaining for more time comes regret, and with regret comes despair. I've been here before, but now I choose to skip the regret and move past this.
Truth be told, I hate to leave - but the circumstances in one aspect of life are far too heartbreaking and overwhelming for me to handle. I know that I won't stop learning, that I will miss them - as I already do - and that I will miss studying. I only wish there was a better way for me to say "see you later" and "thank you". More importantly, I hope I could fully disclose the details and explain- but I can't. At best, I can wish them well, support them, hope we meet another day, and continue learning.
...or perhaps I can do better. The sooner I can figure this out, the sooner I can begin.
Bargaining.