the strangest thing
i feel a dull aching for you all the time. you break my heart over and over again, and i never tire of you. you took my entire world and shook it like an etch-a-sketch, left me blank and empty and tired. you never belonged here in the first place. i don't know how you found your way in.
all these things. fragments, really. string them together, and you could tell a story, but it wouldn't be true. not really. you'll try anyway. take a marker and trace the lines between my scars. it makes a picture, but not the one you want to see. not the one i want either, but it is what it is. so we do what we do and we keep waking up and falling down, falling asleep, sleepwalking through days and days and days, one after the other and there is no end of the rainbow, no burst of conciousness to break the dream, no climax at all and no reward for all our hard work. no peak to reach at the top of our climb and no beautiful view from that height. just walking. sometimes walking towards something... more often walking away. there is so much empty space between us.
i have startling moments of clarity. moments where i know- know- that things are about to shift and change. most of the time, i've given up even trying to keep up with it all... i just try to pay attention and take note of the beauty that i get to see. the other night, i closed my eyes and all i could see were cells dying. i could actually feel them wither and die. and i knew that it was only one part of it, that actually new cells were being created and regenerated all the time, and that the dying was only one part of it, and a necessary part. i knew that. but all i could feel was death. it was the strangest thing.
i feel time rushing and swirling in heady gusts around me. there is too much, and i can't take it all in. it seems like there are so many more sensations than we have words or explanations for, and i have no way to describe all of the things that i experience. if i knew the words, i would spit them out, but i find that i'm only biting my tongue and spitting out blood. i have a feeling that if i could slit my wrists and press them against papers, i could paint rainbows from each end of the spectrum to the other.
i don't know what to think about any of this anymore. i am not today the person i was yesterday. there is so much happening, and it's changing all the time. all these things. all the time. and i'm exhausted from walking and climbing and running into fucking walls. so today i sit quietly and feel the world shifting around me again, feel futures dying and futures opening up. and i can't take it all in, so today i close my eyes and concentrate on the beauty, on the magic, on the love. i think about you and all the things you changed within me. the worlds that were created on your lips. it was the strangest thing.
rachel came and took joey away today, and i cried and cried.
there was never a future that didn't have you in it at some point or another. isn't that the strangest thing?