echoes in the infinite abyss
i'm trying to think of a way to describe it... but there's just nothing. not enough words have been invented yet, i've decided. not nearly enough.
all i know is, there is something hollow inside of me. and all of the time, there are echoes inside of it, things far off and not discernable. more like a dream that you only remember that you had once. so thin... like watercolor. but they hurt. they echo off of every wall- miles and miles of hollow tunnels. infinities of emptiness. and always those watercolor echoes. they haunt me.
and then something thick and real pushes its way into my subconcious. and it's like the tunnels fill with blood, miles and miles of it, and i am drowning in it, and there is no air left, only mouthfuls of thick copper blood. thick and pulsing and pounding in my ears. they say when you asphyxiate, you experience an acute euphoria as you die. it feels almost like euphoria. it feels like something.
i feel like glass. or rather, i feel like i was once encased in glass that has shattered, and now is embedded in my skin. everything that comes near pushes those shards deeper and deeper, until i don't even feel like myself anymore. i am not anywhere near to inside of my body, everything is numb and dull, and then all i can feel are thick and cold nails pressing into my head. slowly. agonizingly slow.
i never know when i'll be able to be me again. when i'll be able to feel like me- when music will sound real again, instead of like meaningless noise. when i will feel the warmth of sunshine, instead of only the dim awareness that it exists. when there will be magic inside of everything i touch. persephone again. fucking females and fruit. fertility will be our demise. every mythology says so.
it's too much. every part of it. in this moment, i want out. i feel trapped and overwhelmed and just... absolutely inequipped to process all of it. i don't know how people do it. reality seems so far away. i want to think of myself as brave. but sometimes i just don't know if i can do it. i really just don't know.
every step i take will be through shards of broken glass. i know that. and i have no idea where to go from here. and yet i shuffle along, moving through infinities of emptiness, broken and bloodied and lost. i don't know what i'm doing, or where i'm going.
i just pray that somewhere... somewhere out in the infinite abyss is something that will make sense. something that would make this worth it. i know there's a greater chance that that'll never happen. it has to be that way. there would be no point if i was just guaranteed success. but i guess i have to try.
i can't stand living with my ghosts anymore.