021.) Here we go. Here's to 1 year!
It's easy to believe the movies and the cliches they extol, to fall for the idea that there's always a happy ending, a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, a somebody for everybody. What makes us believe in it, I wonder? That driving need to escape reality for the fleeting minutes and hours we sit before a screen, telling ourselves to believe? That need to believe there's something out there, that there's some sort of plan for us? That someone else is out there looking for us?
I think that's a part of human nature: we're constantly looking for something else, whether it be because we're longing to find a missing piece, a missing link within ourselves, or just to know we're not alone. It may be an active search or it may simply be a sub-conscious longing for something more, but the result is the same. There's a need for something else.
At least, that's what I believe. To be honest, I've never been one of those people who bases my self-worth on the impressions of others. I've never measured my own importance with what everybody around me thinks of me. It's how I find I'm comfortable in a society that says I'm too overweight, too short, too dark, too alternative. My eyes aren't crystal blue, my teeth are crooked, my nose is scattered with little freckles, I wear size 14 jeans on a good day and my voice is more akin to sandpaper than the soft tinkling of a bell.
I don't fit into the classic idea of what the Perfect Woman is today, but I'm happy with that. I'm me, and I wouldn't have it any other way, and to hell with anybody who has anything to say about how I should be.
So, that being said, I've always been fairly confident in who I am, what I can do. I've learnt to ignore what people expect of me, and to strive towards and live up to what I know I can do. I've been self-reliant since I was old enough to be self-aware.
I still think that's a good thing, but now, it's funny to see how blind to some things I've been. While I've been so self-obsessed with closing off everybody else around me, I've closed off parts of me I've never realised I've had. I was never on a search for something more, so content in what I had in myself that I nearly missed that special something for me if it hadn't been for pure serendipity.
Fate, destiny... Whatever you want to call it, it was pure coincidence that we were both at that party at the same time. I had already been there for a while, and the boys were daring me to give the next drunkard that staggered in a kiss. They'd been taking a jab at my recent single status, and, bolstered by a Miller or two and some bravado, I took up the dare.
Childish, idiotic. A dare I would never have taken under normal circumstances... On top of that, who would walk through that door than trouble itself? Without thinking, I threaded my way through the crowd and the pulsing, driving bass of the distorted music until I stood before him. He had been looking across the crowd, perhaps for an acquaintance or two, but he turned to follow me with his eyes when I stopped in front of him. He looked puzzled, amused, and curious. Those large, blue eyes of his almost rendered me still, and if I had wasted a moment further, chances are I would have turned tail and fled - dare and Miller induced courage forgotten.
Instead, I stood up onto my toes, set my hands onto his shoulders, and pressed my lips to his. He jumped in surprise - I could feel his shoulders tense - and the kiss almost ended there as I was about to pull away and flee, but then his lips softened and I found myself trapped in the warm circle of his arms, my breath ripped from me and butterflies madly erupting into a frantic flutter in my stomach.
That was the 17th of May in 2005, and it hasn't changed. I've been on a whirlwind rollercoaster ride since we've met and I only pray it's never going to stop. For, as cheesy as this all sounds, I think I've found that one thing I've been lacking in my life. So, despite the fact that I wasn't aware and I was never looking for it, now that I've found it I don't think I could survive losing it.
He's given me so much, and I've learned so much. He gives me strength I never possessed, and the will to do anything. He's taught me how to love; not the silly, romantic notions of what love is, but how to love the way a person loves another, selflessly and completely.
It's only been a year but I've changed and grown into the woman I've always strived to be. That's the ultimate irony in this: for all my own determination and will, I'm a better person now all because of someone else's strength, love, and faith in me.
So, that independent, stubborn and self-serving Ella is still with me, but I'm learning how to bring down my barriers, trust in someone else's opinion and advice, and to open myself to something more than just a physical need for someone else's company. It's frightening, and sometimes I feel those walls threatening to rise up and shut me off from something painful or embarrassing, but I know at the end of the day my weaknesses are taken as part of a whole, and I'm grateful for that.
It's why I love him.
But then I read Avril's guide, so there's been a change of plans.
Bam LOL I fucked your brother and then your dog like a bitch in heat hihihi AND IT WAS GUD
Say that to my face bitch! WHATS YOUR NAME YOU GUTLESS WONDER Grow some balls to give your name you limp fuck I'll take you on
Btw I demand my boobs get a journal because they are awesum kthanx
Hey check out our new music video: clicky
Nevermind screw you all I'm going on Hiatus! BRBLOLZ
... Hey, wow, that was so much easier. :* (I'm not bipolar, I swear.)