less panic, more thought
I spent the week going through so many highs and lows that I can't even count them. I would have minor heart attacks every time my phone vibrated, and while I was convinced that I wouldn't get it, I was also positive that I would. I focused on the little things -- how I would tell the friends I made at my past summer job that were expecting me to come back, how I would react if I got it, how I would react if didn't, how I would finally get to buy myself a really good travelling backpack, or what kind of trip I would take next summer instead.
I thought that I would either immediately burst into tears of sorrow or glee, that my body would either convulse or dance. That there would be a lot of hugging and talking and joking.
Instead... All I could say was "thank you." I'm not thinking about the little things anymore, it's not the details that I'm focusing on. I'm going to be living in Ghana, Zambia or Malawi for four months. The months leading up to it will be hard and challenging, and I'll have a lot of work to do... but I can do it. I know I can. But I'm still in shock. It's a lot to digest, it's a lot to think about. The idea that I will be changing my surrounding so much, that for four months I'll be doing development work. I'll be living the participatory approach. It's a pretty big thing.
I know I want it, I know that this will be something that will shape who I am, that will make a better a person. Hopefully, I can help give someone else a better life as well.
I'm excited, but that subdued excitement that's still growing. I can feel it, in my stomach, bubbling, wait to get out, but not quite ready yet. I want to be excited, but I also know that's serious. That it will be tough. Should I be dancing? Is it right to jump up and down? Yet, I caught myself smiling while staring out into space just a few minutes ago, and my heart is swelling, my chest growing tight when I think about how proud I am that I was able to come this far.
It's something that I have to get used to, but I know I can. I know I'll be ready.
I thought that I would either immediately burst into tears of sorrow or glee, that my body would either convulse or dance. That there would be a lot of hugging and talking and joking.
Instead... All I could say was "thank you." I'm not thinking about the little things anymore, it's not the details that I'm focusing on. I'm going to be living in Ghana, Zambia or Malawi for four months. The months leading up to it will be hard and challenging, and I'll have a lot of work to do... but I can do it. I know I can. But I'm still in shock. It's a lot to digest, it's a lot to think about. The idea that I will be changing my surrounding so much, that for four months I'll be doing development work. I'll be living the participatory approach. It's a pretty big thing.
I know I want it, I know that this will be something that will shape who I am, that will make a better a person. Hopefully, I can help give someone else a better life as well.
I'm excited, but that subdued excitement that's still growing. I can feel it, in my stomach, bubbling, wait to get out, but not quite ready yet. I want to be excited, but I also know that's serious. That it will be tough. Should I be dancing? Is it right to jump up and down? Yet, I caught myself smiling while staring out into space just a few minutes ago, and my heart is swelling, my chest growing tight when I think about how proud I am that I was able to come this far.
It's something that I have to get used to, but I know I can. I know I'll be ready.