i miss sporks
once again the computer has distracted me from my studies. actually its wrong for me to blame the machine, it is innocent. i am the one avoiding productivity.
just got back from feeding myself. suitemate lindsey was kind enough to accompany me even though she already ate. for some reason im never hungry whenever everyone else is. shane ate with us too. i like shane because hes outgoing and will initiate and maintain conversation. i first met him when he randomly came up to me at the store and helped me decide which kind of ice cream to buy. it gets annoying when people make you do all the talking. i usually end up rambling about something completely uninteresting so its nice for someone to take the pressure off once i a while.
tomorrow is ashley's official birthday. we celebrated it two weeks ago with sara t's so i dont have to worry about getting a present which is nice. i think we're gonna go to a toga party at some frat. since i tie dyed my sheets i will have to be a greek hippie i guess. should be fun though, it always is with the girls.
now on to my problem. i have manifested a problem for myself out of complete boredom. for some reason i am unsatisfied. with what, i am not sure, just i feel the desire for something more. after contemplating it i've come to the conclusion that this need has derived from my lack of interests. i have tons of energy but nowhere to channel it. so lately i have been almost to the point of wanting something bad to happen. something to disrupt the ease of my life so i have something to focus on. everything in my life right now is just "fine." and you can't get more boring and average than "fine." maybe i need a conflict to make me think, make me struggle, make me cry. i just want to feel some strong emotion, even if its negative. i have an urge to do something bad, something im not suposed to, something destructive. Emma Goldman said "crime is naught but misdirected energy." perhaps i simply need to try something new. i thought rock climbing sound different and maybe exciting. i'll just have to try and find a facility. im also having evonne teach me polish. so far i know how to say hi, bye, i, me, you, and "im hungry." i think knowing the fundamentals of a few different languages would be a useful skill, especially since i want to travel so much. the thing i want most is my camera. my parents gave me a manual focus camera for my birthday, but it wasnt the one i wanted so i returned it. they have yet to buy me another one. i always see good pictures as im walking about. its amazing how much more you notice when you're forced to slow down. sometimes i'll opt to walk home from class rather than take the bus. often i'll be in complete awe of the natural beauty of campus. i believe nature can be more beautiful than anything created by man. i feel so inspired at times, so creative, but alas i dont have a camera or anything else to do, so i just feel like burning something.
i finally miss my horse. this past year i took riding for granted and forgot what a luxury it is. i remember the days i would ride every day after school, ride any horse i could. i would sit in class and write down training plans to execute, and drill myself so hard my legs would get rubs from the saddle and bleed through my jeans. it stung horribly and i still have scars from that. i remember i would read books and magazines and watch videos and just be totally enamored with the sport. i worked so hard, and every step of progress was so rewarding. and then i just lost it. for some reason riding lost its glamour and wasnt as much fun anymore. i guess doing anything for 10 years of your life is going to get old after a while. it became a chore to go ride my horse, and i hated practicing drills and manuevers. jumping was the only thing i still enjoyed, but when the lack of practice started to effect my jumping it was all down hill. i miss having something i cared so much about, theres just this void in my life right now, waiting for something new.
i really miss being good at something. its been a month since the last time i've ridden and it would take several months to get my muscles back to the way were in my prime. once you stop riding it becomes so much harder because there is no form of excercize you can do that mimics riding and strengthens those muscles. sometimes i just miss the smell of my horse. no not the nasty odor of manure that you usually smell at farms and fairs and such. the clean pleasant smell of a horse, a sweet scent sort of like sawdust and fresh cut grass. i miss the sensation of communicating with a horse. not just riding or "sitting" but that feeling of communication, when your muscles and body weight dictate every motion of this huge animal. its really amazing to have that level of understanding. with enough practice one can learn how to how to move just his right shoulder or hind leg and nothing else. you can learn to shape and curve his body, dictate the speed, momentum, length of stride, which are all different things but related. so then when you jump, you have developed this sense of your horse so that you have an "eye" and know exactly when and where your horse will take off for a fence, how he will jump it (at what arc and angle) and how many strides it will be until you get there so that you can make any necessary corrections. and all of this becomes vital when you have a 3'6" fence in front of you, because if the horse doesnt make it over neither do you. wow this is probably the most boring entry ever. no one cares about horses. im stupid. i guess i have to do hw now...
just got back from feeding myself. suitemate lindsey was kind enough to accompany me even though she already ate. for some reason im never hungry whenever everyone else is. shane ate with us too. i like shane because hes outgoing and will initiate and maintain conversation. i first met him when he randomly came up to me at the store and helped me decide which kind of ice cream to buy. it gets annoying when people make you do all the talking. i usually end up rambling about something completely uninteresting so its nice for someone to take the pressure off once i a while.
tomorrow is ashley's official birthday. we celebrated it two weeks ago with sara t's so i dont have to worry about getting a present which is nice. i think we're gonna go to a toga party at some frat. since i tie dyed my sheets i will have to be a greek hippie i guess. should be fun though, it always is with the girls.
now on to my problem. i have manifested a problem for myself out of complete boredom. for some reason i am unsatisfied. with what, i am not sure, just i feel the desire for something more. after contemplating it i've come to the conclusion that this need has derived from my lack of interests. i have tons of energy but nowhere to channel it. so lately i have been almost to the point of wanting something bad to happen. something to disrupt the ease of my life so i have something to focus on. everything in my life right now is just "fine." and you can't get more boring and average than "fine." maybe i need a conflict to make me think, make me struggle, make me cry. i just want to feel some strong emotion, even if its negative. i have an urge to do something bad, something im not suposed to, something destructive. Emma Goldman said "crime is naught but misdirected energy." perhaps i simply need to try something new. i thought rock climbing sound different and maybe exciting. i'll just have to try and find a facility. im also having evonne teach me polish. so far i know how to say hi, bye, i, me, you, and "im hungry." i think knowing the fundamentals of a few different languages would be a useful skill, especially since i want to travel so much. the thing i want most is my camera. my parents gave me a manual focus camera for my birthday, but it wasnt the one i wanted so i returned it. they have yet to buy me another one. i always see good pictures as im walking about. its amazing how much more you notice when you're forced to slow down. sometimes i'll opt to walk home from class rather than take the bus. often i'll be in complete awe of the natural beauty of campus. i believe nature can be more beautiful than anything created by man. i feel so inspired at times, so creative, but alas i dont have a camera or anything else to do, so i just feel like burning something.
i finally miss my horse. this past year i took riding for granted and forgot what a luxury it is. i remember the days i would ride every day after school, ride any horse i could. i would sit in class and write down training plans to execute, and drill myself so hard my legs would get rubs from the saddle and bleed through my jeans. it stung horribly and i still have scars from that. i remember i would read books and magazines and watch videos and just be totally enamored with the sport. i worked so hard, and every step of progress was so rewarding. and then i just lost it. for some reason riding lost its glamour and wasnt as much fun anymore. i guess doing anything for 10 years of your life is going to get old after a while. it became a chore to go ride my horse, and i hated practicing drills and manuevers. jumping was the only thing i still enjoyed, but when the lack of practice started to effect my jumping it was all down hill. i miss having something i cared so much about, theres just this void in my life right now, waiting for something new.
i really miss being good at something. its been a month since the last time i've ridden and it would take several months to get my muscles back to the way were in my prime. once you stop riding it becomes so much harder because there is no form of excercize you can do that mimics riding and strengthens those muscles. sometimes i just miss the smell of my horse. no not the nasty odor of manure that you usually smell at farms and fairs and such. the clean pleasant smell of a horse, a sweet scent sort of like sawdust and fresh cut grass. i miss the sensation of communicating with a horse. not just riding or "sitting" but that feeling of communication, when your muscles and body weight dictate every motion of this huge animal. its really amazing to have that level of understanding. with enough practice one can learn how to how to move just his right shoulder or hind leg and nothing else. you can learn to shape and curve his body, dictate the speed, momentum, length of stride, which are all different things but related. so then when you jump, you have developed this sense of your horse so that you have an "eye" and know exactly when and where your horse will take off for a fence, how he will jump it (at what arc and angle) and how many strides it will be until you get there so that you can make any necessary corrections. and all of this becomes vital when you have a 3'6" fence in front of you, because if the horse doesnt make it over neither do you. wow this is probably the most boring entry ever. no one cares about horses. im stupid. i guess i have to do hw now...