i.....
i honestly think it kinda takes a chunk outta me every time someone flatters me or compares them selves to how good i am or something like that. i really don't know why... i don't think it should bother me as much as it does.
i don't know where i stand in my own life. it just seems so static and standstill that i can't make anything of it, instead of living as a musical phrase i'm just measure, by measure, by note.. i really kind of wish i were more on the normal side. i used to cherish being the only lefty in my class or being 230958 years ahead of anyone in math.. but now it just kinda seems like it sets me apart from everyone else and gives them a new reason (as if they needed it) to ostracize me.. Hanging out in increased periods of time with mah outta-school friends at least has reduced the time i have to think about all this (which .... in turn, makes me feel like shit again) but i just wind up thinking about how much i don't enjoy my situation, a pseudo feeling if you will..
all aspects of my music are starting to reflect this. the stream of conciousness emanating from my mind is either hopeless, lofty romantic or somehow affiliated with doom, the end of anything, etc.
either way, bouncing back and forth from hopelessness and how i feel. it helps me escape sometimes, where i can weave myself into an intricate story told through music instead of through my misdoings of school, ostracizion and what not..
i think it's getting worse.. unfortunately. at every red light i some how imagine myself letting go of the brakes, letting go of everything and somehow transcending earth, life, all sorts of logic in general as the oncoming traffic smashes into me.. that's..... probably gotta stop.
i should be happy now... but i'm not.
i don't know where i stand in my own life. it just seems so static and standstill that i can't make anything of it, instead of living as a musical phrase i'm just measure, by measure, by note.. i really kind of wish i were more on the normal side. i used to cherish being the only lefty in my class or being 230958 years ahead of anyone in math.. but now it just kinda seems like it sets me apart from everyone else and gives them a new reason (as if they needed it) to ostracize me.. Hanging out in increased periods of time with mah outta-school friends at least has reduced the time i have to think about all this (which .... in turn, makes me feel like shit again) but i just wind up thinking about how much i don't enjoy my situation, a pseudo feeling if you will..
all aspects of my music are starting to reflect this. the stream of conciousness emanating from my mind is either hopeless, lofty romantic or somehow affiliated with doom, the end of anything, etc.
either way, bouncing back and forth from hopelessness and how i feel. it helps me escape sometimes, where i can weave myself into an intricate story told through music instead of through my misdoings of school, ostracizion and what not..
i think it's getting worse.. unfortunately. at every red light i some how imagine myself letting go of the brakes, letting go of everything and somehow transcending earth, life, all sorts of logic in general as the oncoming traffic smashes into me.. that's..... probably gotta stop.
i should be happy now... but i'm not.