(no subject)
Have you ever just felt so damaged that you didn't know how to communicate and mesh with other people? I feel so many contradictory sides to myself right now often times I feel as if I'm losing my mind. Part of me feels so headstrong, so self assured, and so complete since everything has happened. The other part of me feels so lost and confused to the point that I feel like I'm drowning. I don't want to drown anymore.
For so long I had identified as a masochist and now that I don't anymore I feel lost. But, I shouldn't feel lost because I know exactly what I need in my life. As I have stated so many times I realize that my wants and needs are often very different things. Right now as much as I love Amy and Adam I have realized that they cannot give me what I need. They don't have the time to invest in me. I need someone who has more time for me. After all, I am a very needy creature.
I need someone who understands. I need compassion but force at the same time. I feel so different than I did before I got sick that I fear I will spin out of control. Prime example I am not supposed to be drinking, smoking, or going into environments polluted with smoke. Right now, I am drunk, and smoked several cigs with friends tonight. I have started smoking pot again and as much as it calms my nerves and keeps my spirits in a sunny disposition it is horrible for my health.
Submissive boys are annoying. Yes, they serve their purpose. After all it's nice for them to clean my house and cater to my every whim, but at the same time they allow me to walk all over them and do as I wish. That is what I want, but so very much not what I need. I need peace. I need someone that is calm, loving, caring, but firm and often harsh when the time is appropriate.
I want to date but am terrified to. Every person I have talked to wants me to jump in the bed with them. They have problems understanding that I'm not like that anymore. I have too much self respect to whore myself out just to feel good. Yes, I am hedonistic to a certain caliber, but at the same time my hedonism is very different than most. I enjoy relationships. I crave love, emotional support and attention. I need to be needed. I desire to be wanted. But at the same time it has to be more than sexual. Yes being desired physically is awesome, but at the same time it fades if nothing of substance is behind it. I crave that substance right now but I am so afraid to open up to people... I just want to feel whole again!
For so long I had identified as a masochist and now that I don't anymore I feel lost. But, I shouldn't feel lost because I know exactly what I need in my life. As I have stated so many times I realize that my wants and needs are often very different things. Right now as much as I love Amy and Adam I have realized that they cannot give me what I need. They don't have the time to invest in me. I need someone who has more time for me. After all, I am a very needy creature.
I need someone who understands. I need compassion but force at the same time. I feel so different than I did before I got sick that I fear I will spin out of control. Prime example I am not supposed to be drinking, smoking, or going into environments polluted with smoke. Right now, I am drunk, and smoked several cigs with friends tonight. I have started smoking pot again and as much as it calms my nerves and keeps my spirits in a sunny disposition it is horrible for my health.
Submissive boys are annoying. Yes, they serve their purpose. After all it's nice for them to clean my house and cater to my every whim, but at the same time they allow me to walk all over them and do as I wish. That is what I want, but so very much not what I need. I need peace. I need someone that is calm, loving, caring, but firm and often harsh when the time is appropriate.
I want to date but am terrified to. Every person I have talked to wants me to jump in the bed with them. They have problems understanding that I'm not like that anymore. I have too much self respect to whore myself out just to feel good. Yes, I am hedonistic to a certain caliber, but at the same time my hedonism is very different than most. I enjoy relationships. I crave love, emotional support and attention. I need to be needed. I desire to be wanted. But at the same time it has to be more than sexual. Yes being desired physically is awesome, but at the same time it fades if nothing of substance is behind it. I crave that substance right now but I am so afraid to open up to people... I just want to feel whole again!