the light by which my spirit's born (Yoochun/Junsu)
Title: the light by which my spirit's born
Pairing: Yoochun/Junsu
Rating: Inexplicit
Summary: Change moves at its own pace. Most of the time.
Author's Notes: Written for the nuna_fanworks holiday fic exchange as a present for kandadze. The prompt was: "YooSu being 'dazed and confused' about their relationship." YooSu are usually my go-to guys from something light and funny and sexy. This ended up with more edges than I expected (likely because of what's been happening lately.)
Rana made sure everything else was good, as usual. And she found the title -- a gift from e.e.cummings.
Two weeks of holiday is nowhere near enough time to recover from the fifty-two weeks of 2006, so Yoochun is not pleased that he's counting the hours until the break's over. Damn Junsu and his inability to pick up the phone.
"I'm not leaving you another message because I'll just call you an asshole." Yoochun flips his phone shut with a snap, muttering, "Asshole."
"I think Yunho's talked to him," Jaejoong says, setting two bowls of noodles on the table.
"I'm not worried about his health. I'm...pissed off." He doesn't want to say hurt even though he knows that Jaejoong knows he is. Instead he pokes at the food in his bowl until Jaejoong pushes his spoon away, picks up a piece of meat, and feeds it to him. He meets Jaejoong's eyes as he scowls around the mouthful, and slowly the hurt fades under Jaejoong's steady gaze and tender smile.
"Junsu's being an asshole. This isn't new, Yoochun-ah."
"I hate it when he does this."
"But he's counting on you to understand. You know him best."
It's what Jaejoong doesn't say that makes Yoochun's face heat: he loves Junsu best. Even when he wants to punch the jerk. Yoochun sighs and starts to eat his dinner. Jaejoong reaches over to ruffle his new haircut. Speaking of jerks he loves.
The front door opens before he finishes his food, but no one calls a greeting. He starts to wonder if they should go check when he hears Changmin crow, "Junsu-hyung, welcome home! Let me give you a hug!"
"OhmyGod, what happened to you? Get away from me, you're oozing."
Jaejoong almost snorts his last mouthful of soup out his nose and Yoochun laughs at both the comment and Jaejoong's choking. Changmin's cold really is spectacular; the boy does nothing in half-measures. The door cracks open and Junsu slips into the room, leans against the wall by the door, and breaks into a wide grin. Changmin follows right behind, blowing his nose hard enough to start a coughing fit. Jaejoong has a jar in his hand before Changmin is finished.
"Time for the Tiger Balm!" Jaejoong's glee is reason enough for Changmin to back out of the room, let alone the pungent balm.
"Oh, no. Jaejoong. Hyung. Hyungnim. Can we get Yunho-hyung to do it?"
"My mother says it works better on a cough if you use friction to help it get warm. Yunho's too wimpy. And all your screaming bothers him. "
"But I like my nipples where they are!"
Junsu laughs, drowning out the rest of the bickering as the other two head toward the bedrooms. Yoochun smiles wider at the sound, but it's a Pavlovian response. He can see something in Junsu's eyes behind the laughter, and he's still...hurt. As both their smiles fade, Yoochun gets up, taking his bowl to the sink.
"Do you want something to eat?" Yoochun asks.
"No, my mother's been feeding me for two weeks." Junsu comes over to lean on the counter beside the sink. "I've been told I'm an asshole."
"Really? I never noticed."
"I'm sorry," Junsu says. And sounds like he means it. Yoochun feels Junsu's forehead with a wet, soapy hand. Junsu bats it away, irritated, and Yoochun smiles for real. But he sees that something in Junsu's eyes again, so this time he waits until Junsu licks his lips and says, "I...."
"Junsu." If it were anyone else Yoochun would pull him into a hug, but Junsu doesn't tolerate the skinship the rest of them welcome unless he instigates it. Yoochun gets the invitation he needs when Junsu runs fingers up Yoochun's arm and takes a half-step forward. Junsu heaves a relieved sigh and relaxes completely in Yoochun's embrace; it does a good job at erasing the past five days of being sent to voicemail.
"I told my Mom," Junsu says into Yoochun's neck after a couple of minutes of feeling each other breathe. Yoochun gets the feeling that he's going to have to be the prompter for this conversation.
"Told her what?"
"That I was in love."
Yoochun tenses--that was not what he expected--and Junsu squeezes him hard. He takes a deep breath and starts giving Junsu a light back rub, as much to relax himself as to soothe Junsu. "And what did she say?"
"She asked what the girl's name was."
After a few moments of silence, Yoochun is ready to punch the jerk again. Why does he always pick moments like this to become reticent? "And what did you say?"
"I said it wasn't a girl." Yoochun's not sure if he wants to hear anymore, so, of course, Junsu keeps the words flowing on his own. "She said that's common in boys my age and I'd get over it. I said half a million fangirls can't be wrong."
"You did not!" Yoochun pushes Junsu back because it's entirely possible that he did, and Yoochun needs to see Junsu's eyes. They're amused, so he didn't, but there is also the resignation that Yoochun can finally put a word to.
"I said that I didn't think I would get over it."
"Did you tell her...?"
Junsu shakes his head. "And she didn't ask. We spent the next five days praying."
"And not answering your phone. Or just my calls?"
Junsu has the decency to blush faintly. "Everything I wanted to say.... I couldn't say it over the phone." He laces his fingers behind Yoochun's neck, rubbing at the newly shorn fringe of hair high up on the nape with his thumb. And not saying anything else.
"You bring me this close," Yoochun pushes Junsu's arms away with his elbows and shows Junsu the tiny space between his finger and thumb, "to violence, like no one else can."
"I bring you this close to a lot of things," Junsu says in his unique attempt at a sexy voice, his hands settling at Yoochun's waist.
Cheesy jokes, outrageous fibs, ridiculous insinuations--Yoochun can't help smiling because he loves them all. "Why you?" he says, reaching up to cup the side of Junsu's neck and rub his thumb along Junsu's jaw. "Jaejoong would have made so much more sense. Both of his moms love me and he has a much better body."
"But I know how to use mine," Junsu says, eyes narrowing in annoyance even as he slides his hands to the small of Yoochun's back to pull him closer. "Anyway, I'm the one who should be asking that question. You're moody, and mean to me, and lock yourself in your room and won't get any fresh air. And you're too nice to everybody, except me. And you wear flip-flops in the winter. And--"
The good thing about falling in love with your best friend is that you know him very, very well. When Junsu talks like this, he really just wants somebody to shut him up, to show him that someone is paying attention enough to recognize it's bullshit. Yoochun just rests his lips against Junsu's mouth, lets Junsu's talking do the work for him. It never takes more than a couple of syllables before Junsu leans in just enough to stop the words himself.
Junsu keeps leaning this time and Yoochun catches him gladly, takes control of the kiss. He tries to tell Junsu through the firm brushes of their lips that they are strong in this together. He hopes his gentle bites, and licks to soothe them, are a reminder that things will get better. He's next to certain, though, that the way he lingers lets Junsu know how much he is loved.
"Oh yeah. That's why," Junsu breathes against Yoochun's lips. He spreads his fingers over Yoochun's back and Yoochun shivers, because he knows his best friend.
Junsu does know how to use his body and he uses every part of it when he's serious about giving a kiss. He doesn't usually get this serious in the middle of the kitchen, but Yoochun's not about to complain. Will never, ever complain about being backed up against a wall, pressed between a stable surface and Junsu's hips and chest. He should feel overwhelmed, smothered in Junsu's single-minded attention, but instead he feels safe, like this is the only place where he can be completely open and himself. He does just that, lets Junsu settle between his legs, taste and explore his skin, get an even tighter hold on his heart. It's when Junsu returns to his mouth again--licking in, sliding in, pressing in--that he gets light-headed enough to have to pull away.
"Just so you know," Yoochun pauses to pant another couple of breaths, "I told my mom a while ago. About us. She said she knew already because half a million fangirls couldn't be wrong."
"She didn't! Did she? I can never tell, you both have such a weird sense of humour," Junsu says, batting at Yoochun's shoulder. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"Didn't want to pressure you, make you feel like you had to do the same. Anyway, it's not like we can tell anyone else."
"I'm going to buy you a ring."
"Really?" Yoochun glances down at Junsu's crotch while wearing one of his more lecherous grins. They'd joked about buying each other "rings" before.
Junsu stays serious, though, and brings Yoochun's left hand to his lips. "The kind of ring that tells the world. When we're ready to tell the world."
"We won't be allowed to." Now Yoochun understand the resignation that Junsu was feeling earlier.
"We'll find a way. Or we'll make that way, Yoochun-ah. Cut the trail ourselves."
Yoochun wants to make a joke, a smart remark to break the spine-chilling seriousness of Junsu's expression, but he can't. He knows Junsu can do it. Will do it. Just as he knows Junsu won't be breaking that trail alone. He threads the fingers of their joined hands, bringing them both to his chest, over his heart. "We won't need to cut it ourselves, Junsu. We'll have help."
Junsu smiles, not a shred of resignation or doubt remaining, and Yoochun is surprised again--always--at the way it lightens his heart. "I knew that!" Junsu says, confidence shining as bright as his smile.
Yoochun smiles back.
Pairing: Yoochun/Junsu
Rating: Inexplicit
Summary: Change moves at its own pace. Most of the time.
Author's Notes: Written for the nuna_fanworks holiday fic exchange as a present for kandadze. The prompt was: "YooSu being 'dazed and confused' about their relationship." YooSu are usually my go-to guys from something light and funny and sexy. This ended up with more edges than I expected (likely because of what's been happening lately.)
Rana made sure everything else was good, as usual. And she found the title -- a gift from e.e.cummings.
Two weeks of holiday is nowhere near enough time to recover from the fifty-two weeks of 2006, so Yoochun is not pleased that he's counting the hours until the break's over. Damn Junsu and his inability to pick up the phone.
"I'm not leaving you another message because I'll just call you an asshole." Yoochun flips his phone shut with a snap, muttering, "Asshole."
"I think Yunho's talked to him," Jaejoong says, setting two bowls of noodles on the table.
"I'm not worried about his health. I'm...pissed off." He doesn't want to say hurt even though he knows that Jaejoong knows he is. Instead he pokes at the food in his bowl until Jaejoong pushes his spoon away, picks up a piece of meat, and feeds it to him. He meets Jaejoong's eyes as he scowls around the mouthful, and slowly the hurt fades under Jaejoong's steady gaze and tender smile.
"Junsu's being an asshole. This isn't new, Yoochun-ah."
"I hate it when he does this."
"But he's counting on you to understand. You know him best."
It's what Jaejoong doesn't say that makes Yoochun's face heat: he loves Junsu best. Even when he wants to punch the jerk. Yoochun sighs and starts to eat his dinner. Jaejoong reaches over to ruffle his new haircut. Speaking of jerks he loves.
The front door opens before he finishes his food, but no one calls a greeting. He starts to wonder if they should go check when he hears Changmin crow, "Junsu-hyung, welcome home! Let me give you a hug!"
"OhmyGod, what happened to you? Get away from me, you're oozing."
Jaejoong almost snorts his last mouthful of soup out his nose and Yoochun laughs at both the comment and Jaejoong's choking. Changmin's cold really is spectacular; the boy does nothing in half-measures. The door cracks open and Junsu slips into the room, leans against the wall by the door, and breaks into a wide grin. Changmin follows right behind, blowing his nose hard enough to start a coughing fit. Jaejoong has a jar in his hand before Changmin is finished.
"Time for the Tiger Balm!" Jaejoong's glee is reason enough for Changmin to back out of the room, let alone the pungent balm.
"Oh, no. Jaejoong. Hyung. Hyungnim. Can we get Yunho-hyung to do it?"
"My mother says it works better on a cough if you use friction to help it get warm. Yunho's too wimpy. And all your screaming bothers him. "
"But I like my nipples where they are!"
Junsu laughs, drowning out the rest of the bickering as the other two head toward the bedrooms. Yoochun smiles wider at the sound, but it's a Pavlovian response. He can see something in Junsu's eyes behind the laughter, and he's still...hurt. As both their smiles fade, Yoochun gets up, taking his bowl to the sink.
"Do you want something to eat?" Yoochun asks.
"No, my mother's been feeding me for two weeks." Junsu comes over to lean on the counter beside the sink. "I've been told I'm an asshole."
"Really? I never noticed."
"I'm sorry," Junsu says. And sounds like he means it. Yoochun feels Junsu's forehead with a wet, soapy hand. Junsu bats it away, irritated, and Yoochun smiles for real. But he sees that something in Junsu's eyes again, so this time he waits until Junsu licks his lips and says, "I...."
"Junsu." If it were anyone else Yoochun would pull him into a hug, but Junsu doesn't tolerate the skinship the rest of them welcome unless he instigates it. Yoochun gets the invitation he needs when Junsu runs fingers up Yoochun's arm and takes a half-step forward. Junsu heaves a relieved sigh and relaxes completely in Yoochun's embrace; it does a good job at erasing the past five days of being sent to voicemail.
"I told my Mom," Junsu says into Yoochun's neck after a couple of minutes of feeling each other breathe. Yoochun gets the feeling that he's going to have to be the prompter for this conversation.
"Told her what?"
"That I was in love."
Yoochun tenses--that was not what he expected--and Junsu squeezes him hard. He takes a deep breath and starts giving Junsu a light back rub, as much to relax himself as to soothe Junsu. "And what did she say?"
"She asked what the girl's name was."
After a few moments of silence, Yoochun is ready to punch the jerk again. Why does he always pick moments like this to become reticent? "And what did you say?"
"I said it wasn't a girl." Yoochun's not sure if he wants to hear anymore, so, of course, Junsu keeps the words flowing on his own. "She said that's common in boys my age and I'd get over it. I said half a million fangirls can't be wrong."
"You did not!" Yoochun pushes Junsu back because it's entirely possible that he did, and Yoochun needs to see Junsu's eyes. They're amused, so he didn't, but there is also the resignation that Yoochun can finally put a word to.
"I said that I didn't think I would get over it."
"Did you tell her...?"
Junsu shakes his head. "And she didn't ask. We spent the next five days praying."
"And not answering your phone. Or just my calls?"
Junsu has the decency to blush faintly. "Everything I wanted to say.... I couldn't say it over the phone." He laces his fingers behind Yoochun's neck, rubbing at the newly shorn fringe of hair high up on the nape with his thumb. And not saying anything else.
"You bring me this close," Yoochun pushes Junsu's arms away with his elbows and shows Junsu the tiny space between his finger and thumb, "to violence, like no one else can."
"I bring you this close to a lot of things," Junsu says in his unique attempt at a sexy voice, his hands settling at Yoochun's waist.
Cheesy jokes, outrageous fibs, ridiculous insinuations--Yoochun can't help smiling because he loves them all. "Why you?" he says, reaching up to cup the side of Junsu's neck and rub his thumb along Junsu's jaw. "Jaejoong would have made so much more sense. Both of his moms love me and he has a much better body."
"But I know how to use mine," Junsu says, eyes narrowing in annoyance even as he slides his hands to the small of Yoochun's back to pull him closer. "Anyway, I'm the one who should be asking that question. You're moody, and mean to me, and lock yourself in your room and won't get any fresh air. And you're too nice to everybody, except me. And you wear flip-flops in the winter. And--"
The good thing about falling in love with your best friend is that you know him very, very well. When Junsu talks like this, he really just wants somebody to shut him up, to show him that someone is paying attention enough to recognize it's bullshit. Yoochun just rests his lips against Junsu's mouth, lets Junsu's talking do the work for him. It never takes more than a couple of syllables before Junsu leans in just enough to stop the words himself.
Junsu keeps leaning this time and Yoochun catches him gladly, takes control of the kiss. He tries to tell Junsu through the firm brushes of their lips that they are strong in this together. He hopes his gentle bites, and licks to soothe them, are a reminder that things will get better. He's next to certain, though, that the way he lingers lets Junsu know how much he is loved.
"Oh yeah. That's why," Junsu breathes against Yoochun's lips. He spreads his fingers over Yoochun's back and Yoochun shivers, because he knows his best friend.
Junsu does know how to use his body and he uses every part of it when he's serious about giving a kiss. He doesn't usually get this serious in the middle of the kitchen, but Yoochun's not about to complain. Will never, ever complain about being backed up against a wall, pressed between a stable surface and Junsu's hips and chest. He should feel overwhelmed, smothered in Junsu's single-minded attention, but instead he feels safe, like this is the only place where he can be completely open and himself. He does just that, lets Junsu settle between his legs, taste and explore his skin, get an even tighter hold on his heart. It's when Junsu returns to his mouth again--licking in, sliding in, pressing in--that he gets light-headed enough to have to pull away.
"Just so you know," Yoochun pauses to pant another couple of breaths, "I told my mom a while ago. About us. She said she knew already because half a million fangirls couldn't be wrong."
"She didn't! Did she? I can never tell, you both have such a weird sense of humour," Junsu says, batting at Yoochun's shoulder. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"Didn't want to pressure you, make you feel like you had to do the same. Anyway, it's not like we can tell anyone else."
"I'm going to buy you a ring."
"Really?" Yoochun glances down at Junsu's crotch while wearing one of his more lecherous grins. They'd joked about buying each other "rings" before.
Junsu stays serious, though, and brings Yoochun's left hand to his lips. "The kind of ring that tells the world. When we're ready to tell the world."
"We won't be allowed to." Now Yoochun understand the resignation that Junsu was feeling earlier.
"We'll find a way. Or we'll make that way, Yoochun-ah. Cut the trail ourselves."
Yoochun wants to make a joke, a smart remark to break the spine-chilling seriousness of Junsu's expression, but he can't. He knows Junsu can do it. Will do it. Just as he knows Junsu won't be breaking that trail alone. He threads the fingers of their joined hands, bringing them both to his chest, over his heart. "We won't need to cut it ourselves, Junsu. We'll have help."
Junsu smiles, not a shred of resignation or doubt remaining, and Yoochun is surprised again--always--at the way it lightens his heart. "I knew that!" Junsu says, confidence shining as bright as his smile.
Yoochun smiles back.