UGH!

[elizabethrae86]

I was supposed to go over Robert's because he wanted to make me dinner. My dad wanted to make me dinner too, because he felt bad about how I've been eating, and the money problems and everything, and so I said ok because I have been turning my dad down so much lately, and telling him things and then not doing them because stuff keeps coming up and changing. So Robert calls me on his way home, and I tell him all that, and that I'd come over after I showered to hang out with him for a couple hours. He gets all upset because he really wanted to make me dinner, and then he was bitching because it was pointless to come over for a little bit when I don't have the gas or money. OK he lives 5 minutes from me. He thought it was stupid to spend the same amount of gas to go see him and not eat that it would've taken to go see him and eat dinner. I told him it wasn't pointless because it wouldn't even make a dent in my gas, and we want to see each other. We got in this stupid arguement about it, and he's all "be responsible and don't come over then...you gotta do what you gotta do" or something, and UGH FUCKING UGH, so I said fine I'll talk to you later and hung up. UGH I'm so frickin pissed! He comes to see me all the time for 5 or 10 minutes before work or school or something, just so we can see each other, and I'm talking about longer and less gas and he's all....UGH! I'm so angry and upset! Now I have to stay home all night and I so didn't want to! I'm so fucking bored and sick of fucking cleaning...I wanted a break for a couple hours! GODDAMMIT! I hate when he does this. I wanted to be like ok fine, I won't waste the gas to see him, and I won't waste the minutes to talk to him on the phone, and I won't waste the electricity to talk tohim online....but of course that's retarded and I couldn't do that.....I love him but he drives me nuts sometimes. He thinks it's a waste of my time and gas to see him, and that's so not true! He is never a waste of anything for me. I hate how self loathing he is....most of the time he's got himself convinced that he treats me badly and he doesn't deserve me, and I'd be better off finding someone else. None of that is true at all. I told him we deserve each other, and there is noone in the entire world that I could be happier with, but he just can't convince himself. It's awesome that he thinks so highly of me, but it's like, omg Robert, I don't care if that is true(IT'S NOT), I don't want anyone else. I love you and only you and I will for the rest of my life.

OH I'm so agitated now, I just want to go over there and punch him hard, and then kiss him until his lips fall off....but if he doesn't want me to, then fine, I won't. Even though it's all I want to do.

*sigh* Now I'm gonna wander around the house the rest of the night, upset and mopey and bored and angry....I should just go to bed right now and get this day over with.