this probably will only ever make sense to me
this is my last-ditch effort. this is me, pretending like i don't care, like i'm just scribbling down random thoughts that are so easy to tell him. i'm so sick of this shit.
but anyways. i have been so apathetic lately that it's really starting to bug me. actually it's not really bothering me very much at all, because i'm so fucking apathetic right now, but i feel like it should bother me and that tugs on my tranquility a little bit.
i dreamt that i visited sosha in italy, and the dream was just so weird but realistic that i haven't been able to stop thinking about it since i had it two nights ago. then i think about other things, like how i haven't had an actual ::relationship:: since him, and that just seems really unusual to me, but at the same time really logical when i think about who i was when i was with my ex-boyfriends and it made sense for her to be in a ::relationship:: with them, but i can't see the person i am now being in a ::relationship:: with anyone. maybe i just don't know the right people at this point. but it's been so long that i feel like maybe it's me and my fucked up view of ::relationships:: and what they are supposed to be and who i am supposed to be when i am in one. then i get all overly analytical of my childhood and myself and the people in my life, and i think that maybe deep down all i really believe in is polyamory but my strict protestant background won't let me accept that and even if it did i've seen too many horrbible examples of polyamory to ever give it credibility in my mind but then i've seen a lot of horrible examples of monogamy also- and then i say fuck it, get some coffee, and ride my bike. and i think about apathetic things like that refrgerator magnet that says "I'm no quitter" and has the picture of an ambitious-looking woman smoking, and laugh to myself, then feel embarrased about the pedestrians staring at me, then don't really care
but anyways. i have been so apathetic lately that it's really starting to bug me. actually it's not really bothering me very much at all, because i'm so fucking apathetic right now, but i feel like it should bother me and that tugs on my tranquility a little bit.
i dreamt that i visited sosha in italy, and the dream was just so weird but realistic that i haven't been able to stop thinking about it since i had it two nights ago. then i think about other things, like how i haven't had an actual ::relationship:: since him, and that just seems really unusual to me, but at the same time really logical when i think about who i was when i was with my ex-boyfriends and it made sense for her to be in a ::relationship:: with them, but i can't see the person i am now being in a ::relationship:: with anyone. maybe i just don't know the right people at this point. but it's been so long that i feel like maybe it's me and my fucked up view of ::relationships:: and what they are supposed to be and who i am supposed to be when i am in one. then i get all overly analytical of my childhood and myself and the people in my life, and i think that maybe deep down all i really believe in is polyamory but my strict protestant background won't let me accept that and even if it did i've seen too many horrbible examples of polyamory to ever give it credibility in my mind but then i've seen a lot of horrible examples of monogamy also- and then i say fuck it, get some coffee, and ride my bike. and i think about apathetic things like that refrgerator magnet that says "I'm no quitter" and has the picture of an ambitious-looking woman smoking, and laugh to myself, then feel embarrased about the pedestrians staring at me, then don't really care