"i like the way you're everything i ever wanted"
I have to blog because my head is so stuffed up with thoughts that it's driving me crazy!!
So second semester of my senior year (just last year, it feels so weird saying that) we had this band intern. Totally hot, totally awesome, totally...amazing. Up on the podium he was all serious business, but off the podium he played cards with people, he joked around with some of us, he was basically one of us when he wasn't working on something. It was pretty awesome. I looked forward to band so much more 'cause I knew I would get to see him.
Me and one of my good friends were always goofing off with him. She's crazy anyways and acted any crazier around him. I was more mellow about it, but I still flirted. Like allll the time. It was fun! And there were moments he flirted back, with me, and never her. Usually something like that would bother me but this didn't. For once I had a guy's attention all to myself, even if it was usually for only ten minutes. When the bell to end that block rang I was always so sad.
The year moved along. The annual band banquet rolled around. Every year that thing is supposed to be about the seniors. Even though it sucked for us, I couldn't focus on that. All I could focus on was the fact that he found a way to make my last name into a new nickname to go along with the band director's, and I kept thinking about the two or three hugs I got from him that night, and I kept thinking about the picture I got with him. He's so awesome it's ridiculous.
Around this time my sister died. For a week before it happened I was an emotional wreck 'cause my parents were fighting a whole lot more than usual and it was a whole lot worse than usual, too. I would leave the house bawling my eyes out, then walk into school dry-eyed before going to the bathroom and breaking down again. People noticed, he noticed, the band director noticed how distracted I was in band. I wasn't even fooling around like normal. I almost had a breakdown five minutes into class, and of course it was on a day where he started our warm-up and tuning. And then after she died, see it was his birthday like the day before the funeral. I left him a comment on Facebook telling him happy birthday and that I hope he does well wherever he decides to go after his graduation. What did he do? He sent me an inbox message in return telling me thank you and that the director filled him in, and basically he just made me crush on him even more. It was ridiculous.
So anyways. After all that he was still awesome. He said he would never forget his first band, etc. I was sad that I wouldn't get to see him anymore. He went off to be the assistant band director at a school two and a half hours away from town. Well one night on Facebook I was chatting with two friends. He got online, and since it was during summer he stayed on for like three hours. So I started joking around with my friends about how hot he is, and how I'd totally do him, and shit like that. Then I was like "I should totally ask him if he'd have sex with me" and I was just joking but one of them told me I should do it. So I clicked on his name on the chat and started it with "I have to ask you something" and from there things were good. HE flirted with ME first, even though I flaked out on asking him that question. I kept saying it's totally not appropriate and things like that. He even got someone he's friends with in the band to send me an inbox message, trying to get the question out of me. He talked to one of my friends I was talking to at that moment, and I almost fell for it that too, but figured it out before I made a fool of myself. When I kept saying it was totally inappropriate HE reminded ME that he wasn't my teacher anymore. Around midnight he said he was going to bed but he kept the flirting on and then we finally said goodnight to each other. I, like some kind of idiot, screencapped the conversation to send to my two friends instead of copy-pasting (the screencaps got deleted and I don't have the conversation anymore, best conversation ever!).
After that, things were blown to hell and back. OH my gosh. Me and my friend, the one that dared me to ask me the question, yeah. We conversed over the inbox message I sent with the conversation in it. She was all like "There was totally flirting going on!" and stuff like that. And then, one of us said something about cell phone numbers and how he should have ours, blah, blah, blah. So I was like "Okay send him a message with our numbers attached" and I was totally nonchalant/brave about it. Normally I would never do something like that. She did it, but she didn't put both of our numbers like I said. She sent him a message saying that I wanted him to have my number, put my number on it, left herself completely out of it, and BAM! Ruined. I got kinda pissed about it but didn't show it. After that she apologized to him like three times on chat and each time he said "Let's just not talk about it anymore." My heart? Crushed. She felt so bad and I couldn't stay mad at her 'cause she kept on saying she fucked up and ruined things. Even though I wanted to say "YES YOU SO FUCKING DID!!!" I didn't. I kept my cool.
Once that whole shabang was over he and I didn't talk again. I wanted to talk to him every time he was online, to say something about all that, or I don't know, just to talk to him. But I never did it 'cause I'm a wimp when it comes to boys. Then LMI (Lake Martin Invitational, it's a marching band competition the band hosts) and guess who was the drum major judge? HIM! And did I get to go to LMI and see him like my friend did?! No! My niece and nephew were there that weekend. I thought about all day that Saturday. I wanted to see him so bad! But I didn't get to go, and even my mom said I could go for a little bit if I wanted, but once again, I didn't.
It's been almost a year since I've seen/talked to him. I'd all but forgotten about those good times until a few nights ago when I had this dream. He was the star of it and he hasn't been the star of my dreams for a loooooong time. But apparently he and I were hosting this party at this house that looked like a fucking mansion on the inside; it was awesome. The party had all my high school friends there, and it was a great party. Soon it was over and get this: everything magically cleaned itself up!! Wish that would happen in real life! Anyways. So the stuff was cleaned up, then it was just me and him. After that we just kind of....attacked each other, in a good way. Like we were running all over the house making out everywhere (believe me, it was HOTTT) trying to find the bedroom. I won't go into the details of how Twitter and Facebook appeared in this dream, ha. We found the bedroom and right as we were about to go at like energizer bunnies on crack I woke up. I squeezed my eyes shut, telling myself "Go back to sleep, go back to sleep!" 'cause I didn't want it to ever end.
That dream? Got me thinking about him again. It's ridiculous. My mind has been such a jumbled mess all week because of that dream. I wish it had never happened; at the same time I'm glad it did. Now, I just want to jump in my car and drive the two and a half hours to where he's at. Hell, I don't even know if he's living there or if he's still living in the town he went to college in. They're not that far apart so it's plausible. But I know nothing anymore. Except that I'm crushing hard again, my brain hurts, he's still good-looking according to some of the pictures he's been tagged in the past couple of months, and I still want to get in my car and GO! I hope he judges at LMI again this year 'cause this year I'm definitely going.
I hope I wasted noone's time with this but I had to get it out.