I love you like a love song, baby...
For those of you that were around when I posted about this certain guy who I've been in love with for forever, this is one of those posts. For those of you that weren't around for those posts then, well, it's not too hard to figure out. So on with the blog....
The last time I saw him was over a year ago, Easter of 2010. The last time I saw him he was in a bad mood and wasn't being very friendly. That made me so mad and it actually kinda hurt. The last time I saw him he was newly engaged to his girlfriend, whihc made things a lot worse--for me at least. They got married June 5, I didn't go, because I mean hell, I've been in love with him for as long as I can remember, he's the only guy I've ever actually had more than just a crush on, so on and so forth. So anyways, let's get to the point of this whole thing.
I saw him today in Sunday School and Church. I knew a week ago that he would be in town for the weekend. His wife was in the state but in another town visiting family, which made me feel a whole lot better. I haven't met her yet and honestly I'm not sure if I even want to. But I knew he would be here so all weekend I've been psyching myself up for it, wondering how it would be between us, wondering how it would feel and how much it would hurt. I wasn't expecting what actually happened.
I walked in the building where we have the nursery and the men's class and the young adult's class (the one we're in). I saw him standing there with his mom and the men, talking and what not. That's when it started to feel like someone was squeezing my heart and refusing to let go. So I steered left into the room, a little (okay, a LOT) nervous, and started messing around in my purse to make it seem like I didn't know he was there. Then I heard people walking in the room and his mom (who's also the teacher, in case you don't remember, and his dad's the pastor) gets all excited 'cause I was there and then the best thing ever happend. He said my name in that special only he can do. It's something he started doing when I was probably about 12 or 13 maybe. I can't even replicate it, it's something only he can do; he does it every time we see each other. So to hear it after more than a year made me feel great. And he had this huge grin on his face when he said it.
That's when I really got nervous Mainly 'cause it was running through my head "What's going to happen next? How is this going to go?" But it went fine. He gave me a big hug and we started talking instantly. We talked until it was time for class to start. There was this one special look though, that really got my heart racing. His mom added me to the prayer list because I'm moving off for school this week. When she mentioned where and that I'm leaving them, he looked over at me and gave me this small smile behind his hand (he had his hand over his mouth and his elbow propped on his knee, that's why) and it just...made me feel good.
Then it was time to go to worship service. His dad preached, yada yada yada. Me and my grandmother were sitting behind him and his mom. Afterwards, when it was time to leave, my grandmother got his attention and started talking to him, then he turned to me and gave me a smile and asked if I was about to head out. So we small talked for a minute then I just kinda milled about talking to people about me moving and what not, mostly his mom. Then he moved out to the front where everybody exits and talks to his dad and he pretty much set up a "recieving line" for hugs and "It's good to see you's" and all that. Then I head straight for him and he held his arms out for another hug and was all "It was good to see you!" and I made the comment it's been over a year. We made some more small talk since there was no one waiting and he was all "You have a Facebook, I have a Facebook even though I'm hardly ever on, so we can keep in touch. We'll keep in touch some how." and it just...made me feel good. I don't think I've ever had this good of an experience with him (in the past 2 or 3 years at least).
I wouldn't say he's changed, but he's definitely different. His green eyes are still the prettiest I've ever seen, his hair is still perfect, his smile still makes me feel good, and he's just the same guy but different. I guess marriage does that to you; makes everything different. He's still the same guy just a litlte more grown up and adult-like. It didn't hurt as much as I thought it would seeing him. I kept thinking over these past few months that when I saw him again all those feelings that I try so hard to keep buried would come rushing to the surface and I would have a break down. But it wasn't too bad. Every once in awhile, during Sunday School, my heart would give a little squeeze and I'd check out for a moment (mainly 'cause he was sitting next to me) but other than that, it all wasn't so bad. I guess I psyched myself up so much that it got a little out of hand. I'm just glad it was all okay. But not matter how many times I keep thinking that it was all okay, I still can't help but to think of all the times I screwed things up. There's still all the really good memories but all the bad ones came back full force; guess that's what happens when you screw things up with someone like that. All in all though I think I'm fine, now.
I still love him and still wish that it was me. But I can't change that. I think today made me realize that it doesn't matter how much I want it, I'm never going to get it so I have to try my best to let it go. I can bury the feelings as long as I want, they'll still come back, but this time I think I'll be okay. I feel like maybe our relationship has changed and taken on a more mature quality, which feels just fine. I don't know when I'll get to see him again since I'm moving and he lives in Pittsburgh but whenever it happens I think it will be just fine.
The last time I saw him was over a year ago, Easter of 2010. The last time I saw him he was in a bad mood and wasn't being very friendly. That made me so mad and it actually kinda hurt. The last time I saw him he was newly engaged to his girlfriend, whihc made things a lot worse--for me at least. They got married June 5, I didn't go, because I mean hell, I've been in love with him for as long as I can remember, he's the only guy I've ever actually had more than just a crush on, so on and so forth. So anyways, let's get to the point of this whole thing.
I saw him today in Sunday School and Church. I knew a week ago that he would be in town for the weekend. His wife was in the state but in another town visiting family, which made me feel a whole lot better. I haven't met her yet and honestly I'm not sure if I even want to. But I knew he would be here so all weekend I've been psyching myself up for it, wondering how it would be between us, wondering how it would feel and how much it would hurt. I wasn't expecting what actually happened.
I walked in the building where we have the nursery and the men's class and the young adult's class (the one we're in). I saw him standing there with his mom and the men, talking and what not. That's when it started to feel like someone was squeezing my heart and refusing to let go. So I steered left into the room, a little (okay, a LOT) nervous, and started messing around in my purse to make it seem like I didn't know he was there. Then I heard people walking in the room and his mom (who's also the teacher, in case you don't remember, and his dad's the pastor) gets all excited 'cause I was there and then the best thing ever happend. He said my name in that special only he can do. It's something he started doing when I was probably about 12 or 13 maybe. I can't even replicate it, it's something only he can do; he does it every time we see each other. So to hear it after more than a year made me feel great. And he had this huge grin on his face when he said it.
That's when I really got nervous Mainly 'cause it was running through my head "What's going to happen next? How is this going to go?" But it went fine. He gave me a big hug and we started talking instantly. We talked until it was time for class to start. There was this one special look though, that really got my heart racing. His mom added me to the prayer list because I'm moving off for school this week. When she mentioned where and that I'm leaving them, he looked over at me and gave me this small smile behind his hand (he had his hand over his mouth and his elbow propped on his knee, that's why) and it just...made me feel good.
Then it was time to go to worship service. His dad preached, yada yada yada. Me and my grandmother were sitting behind him and his mom. Afterwards, when it was time to leave, my grandmother got his attention and started talking to him, then he turned to me and gave me a smile and asked if I was about to head out. So we small talked for a minute then I just kinda milled about talking to people about me moving and what not, mostly his mom. Then he moved out to the front where everybody exits and talks to his dad and he pretty much set up a "recieving line" for hugs and "It's good to see you's" and all that. Then I head straight for him and he held his arms out for another hug and was all "It was good to see you!" and I made the comment it's been over a year. We made some more small talk since there was no one waiting and he was all "You have a Facebook, I have a Facebook even though I'm hardly ever on, so we can keep in touch. We'll keep in touch some how." and it just...made me feel good. I don't think I've ever had this good of an experience with him (in the past 2 or 3 years at least).
I wouldn't say he's changed, but he's definitely different. His green eyes are still the prettiest I've ever seen, his hair is still perfect, his smile still makes me feel good, and he's just the same guy but different. I guess marriage does that to you; makes everything different. He's still the same guy just a litlte more grown up and adult-like. It didn't hurt as much as I thought it would seeing him. I kept thinking over these past few months that when I saw him again all those feelings that I try so hard to keep buried would come rushing to the surface and I would have a break down. But it wasn't too bad. Every once in awhile, during Sunday School, my heart would give a little squeeze and I'd check out for a moment (mainly 'cause he was sitting next to me) but other than that, it all wasn't so bad. I guess I psyched myself up so much that it got a little out of hand. I'm just glad it was all okay. But not matter how many times I keep thinking that it was all okay, I still can't help but to think of all the times I screwed things up. There's still all the really good memories but all the bad ones came back full force; guess that's what happens when you screw things up with someone like that. All in all though I think I'm fine, now.
I still love him and still wish that it was me. But I can't change that. I think today made me realize that it doesn't matter how much I want it, I'm never going to get it so I have to try my best to let it go. I can bury the feelings as long as I want, they'll still come back, but this time I think I'll be okay. I feel like maybe our relationship has changed and taken on a more mature quality, which feels just fine. I don't know when I'll get to see him again since I'm moving and he lives in Pittsburgh but whenever it happens I think it will be just fine.