Jesus Saves
Jesus saves. Well, if Jesus saves, when is it my turn to be saved?
I feel myself spiraling into a deep depression. I can't sleep, yet I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to eat. I'm at the lowest weight I've been in over a year, and very little of that is due to healthy reasons. Gina's pregnancy has really gotten to me. Everything. The realization that I have failed as a mother. I have failed my children in providing them the discipline they need, and I don't know how to change that without making them hate me. They are all I truly have left in this world, and I couldn't bear to have them hate me. I'm at a crossroads to which I have no idea which path to take.
I wish I could make Gina realize how her selfishness in wanting to keep this baby is killing me ...the family unit. My family is divided over this. I fight with my siblings because I am sick and tired of hearing the same crap from them. They have always been the ones that I was able to truly lean on because I've never really had anyone else. Now I am alone. I have never felt so alone in my life. I can't stop crying. I can't stop feeling so empty. I even find myself hating my own children. Loving them so much that I hate them for them not loving me back. There are times that I think that everyone around me, especially my children, would be better off if I weren't here, but I'm just too much of a coward to do anything about it.
I hate feeling like this. I hate not being "me". Two months ago I was all excited about the Black Sabbath concert coming up in May. Right now I just don't care. I am trying to force myself to keep moving, but there are times that I just don't want to.
I just wish I could convey to my children how their selfishness and destructive ways are killing me inside.
I feel myself spiraling into a deep depression. I can't sleep, yet I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to eat. I'm at the lowest weight I've been in over a year, and very little of that is due to healthy reasons. Gina's pregnancy has really gotten to me. Everything. The realization that I have failed as a mother. I have failed my children in providing them the discipline they need, and I don't know how to change that without making them hate me. They are all I truly have left in this world, and I couldn't bear to have them hate me. I'm at a crossroads to which I have no idea which path to take.
I wish I could make Gina realize how her selfishness in wanting to keep this baby is killing me ...the family unit. My family is divided over this. I fight with my siblings because I am sick and tired of hearing the same crap from them. They have always been the ones that I was able to truly lean on because I've never really had anyone else. Now I am alone. I have never felt so alone in my life. I can't stop crying. I can't stop feeling so empty. I even find myself hating my own children. Loving them so much that I hate them for them not loving me back. There are times that I think that everyone around me, especially my children, would be better off if I weren't here, but I'm just too much of a coward to do anything about it.
I hate feeling like this. I hate not being "me". Two months ago I was all excited about the Black Sabbath concert coming up in May. Right now I just don't care. I am trying to force myself to keep moving, but there are times that I just don't want to.
I just wish I could convey to my children how their selfishness and destructive ways are killing me inside.