Special Needs [4/5]
Title: Special Needs
Author: elizabeth21r
Pairing(s): Tom/Bill
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot.
Warnings: OOC
Author's notes: I know this is a tricky subject and I might be horrible at describing it, so I'm sorry in advance. I was inspired by my little cousin who has been through a lot the last couple of years because of his disability. I dedicate this to him.
Thank you so so so much littlemrstom for the beta, I owe you ♥ Also, thanks to whoever offered me help with this short fic and of course, to every reader :) I'll be posting a chapter every other day so this will be completed by next week!
Banner made by chicaintcheap.
Summary:
"There are people out there who can see more than whether you can walk or not."
Bill hadn't met any of them in his nineteen years but Tom was determined to burst his bubble.
Only the soft sound of the radio filled the uncomfortable silence as Tom drove the car late at night. Bill was frowning in the passenger seat and Tom was trying hard not to take his eyes off the road, his arms occasionally hurting from the effort of moving them as little as possible.
"Could you please slow down?"
Tom took a deep breath and gently hit the brakes, not even glancing towards Bill. The younger boy had been a pain in the ass ever since they got in the car. Earlier that evening, Tom had desperately tried to persuade Bill to meet his friends, maybe drink a couple of beers and spend some quality time together. Bill kept telling Tom that he really didn't want to leave the house and now that Tom thought about it, he should have just respected the boy's decision.
"Tonight was a disaster," Bill whispered between his teeth.
Still not looking at him, Tom sighed. "I really don't understand you sometimes."
"What is it that you don't understand?" Bill snapped, turning towards Tom's direction. "The way they were all looking at me..."
"Jesus, Bill," Tom groaned. "Everyone was looking at you fine, they liked you. Stop being such a baby."
"A baby?" Bill asked aloud. "Seriously, Tom? If I'm being such a baby and it's pissing you off then maybe you can just stop talking to me."
Tom licked his lips and stopped himself before saying something stupid. He took his right hand off the gear lever and brought it to his face, running his fingers over his forehead.
"Bill," he tried, with as much a gentle voice as possible. "I really like you, okay?" he said, and for the first time, he looked towards Bill. The boy had turned his face to the window on his right, his elbow touched the surface of the door as his hand was placed under his chin, keeping his head steady. "And I care about you. I just wanted you to have fun and meet the few people I can call friends. Was it such a bad thing?"
"I told you I didn't want to leave the house," Bill snapped again, ignoring Tom's soft words. "I didn't feel like it. I didn't feel nice or comfortable. I didn't have fun. I don't like how people keep staring, I can't stand their eyes on me. Can you get this through your thick head?" he said, taking no breath. It sounded to Tom like Bill had said the exact same words a million times before. "If you can't then I think we should stop this right now."
Tom said nothing back. He knew Bill was angry and couldn't control the words coming out of his mouth. It was obvious how tired he was, his face was broken in a pained expression and black circles coloured the skin under his eyes.
He still looked as pretty as he'd be after ten hours of sleep to Tom.
Neither of them spoke for a while after that. Bill had switched off the radio, claiming he had a headache and Tom simply kept driving. All he wanted was to take Bill back to his place and leave, put some space between them so they could calm down. That was the only way he could keep himself from snapping at him, and it wasn't going to be pretty at all.
Sometimes Bill could become very difficult to deal with. It didn't make Tom regret his decision to approach him or ask him to try this. It just made him feel stupid for not finding a way to make things easier.
Bill took a deep breath and stretched his back, a groan escaping his lips. "These are really uncomfortable," he said, clearly referring to the seats of the car.
Tom rolled his eyes. "You could've stayed at my place, like I said a hundred times, so you wouldn't have to spend so much time on them."
The tension between them was back and Bill turned towards Tom, his hands still touching the small of his back. "Oh, really Tom?" he asked. "I told you I have to take a shower today. Would you take care of that?" he added, his eyes challenging Tom to state the obvious. Of course he couldn't take care of that. "Please," he finally said, burying his hands in his pockets.
"You know what?" Tom's voice broke and the car suddenly stopped. "You're home," he snapped, getting out of the car and slamming the door shut behind him.
As he walked towards Bill's house and rang the bell for Simone, not once did he turn towards the car's direction. He was extremely pissed, and when Simone was next to him, she noticed it herself. He took a deep breath, slowly letting it out, trying to calm down as she worriedly looked at him. He didn't like fighting. He knew he wasn't going to sleep well that night.
"What happened?" Simone asked, and Tom threw his hands in the air.
"Seriously, Mrs. Kaulitz, sometimes it's just..." he stopped, hitting his forehead with his fist.
Simone turned around and saw her son's figure through the window; his head was bowed as he probably stared at his knees, a usual thing for him to do when he was upset about something. His long neck created a beautiful curve and his mother couldn't help but feel bad. Feel bad for him, for his behavior, for the fact that Bill couldn't even do differently sometimes. She knew it was difficult. Bill was difficult.
She turned back to Tom again and noticed how he hung his own head, looking at his shoes. Simone touched his shoulder, making him look up. "I told you," she said, her voice never holding a warning tone. She was always sweet and understanding. "It needs time and patience."
Tom nodded and simply walked towards his car before he started complaining about Bill to his own mother. He opened the passenger's door without looking at it and walked to the front of the car, leaving Simone to deal with Bill and take him home all alone.
As he discreetly tried to observe the scene, Tom couldn't help but feel his heart clenching inside. The Bill he had dealt with in the car completely vanished as soon as the door opened, his cold expression now looked more like a very hurt one. He looked small and innocent wrapped inside his mother's arms.
How could someone be two different people in such a short period of time? How could it get so confusing?
Tom felt the need to run towards Bill and apologize for making him go out, ask him when they'll see each other again; he didn't though. He knew all of this would be probably forgotten tomorrow, and he didn't want to be the one who'd taken the step back. He'd been too damn angry at Bill.
Simone kissed Tom goodbye, her eyes apologetic as he looked towards Bill and received the cold shoulder in return. Tom got in the car and with short and sharp movements started it, driving noisily far away from the source of his short temper. He needed a drink for now, in the peace of his house and the soft sounds of music. And some sleep.
The next day would be better. It always was.
~~
"Bill? Is everything alright?"
His mother's worried voice startled Bill as it echoed in the silence of the room. The water around him was icy cold and he was trembling, but he didn't feel like leaving yet. It was quiet in the bathroom and his mother's disappointed and questioning eyes couldn't reach him. He was alone.
"Yeah, I'm fine," he answered, his voice rough and cold. He sunk his back even lower in the frozen water and rested his head on the edge of the bathtub. Bill usually enjoyed his long, relaxing baths during the night. All the different aromas he so carefully chose every time created a unique and kind of heavy aura that served the purpose of completely blocking the rest of the world.
Moving his right arm out of the water, he frowned as he stared at his wrinkled fingers. He had to have been a long time in there, judging by the concern in his mother's voice. All he wanted was to sleep but all he managed was to freeze in the bathtub while thinking about everything. Why was he such an awful person?
Tom's hurt expression couldn't stop pressing in Bill's brain. All Tom ever tried to do was make him happy and lift his spirits and that was Bill's way of repaying him? How much more of a jerk could he be
Sometimes even Bill ran out of excuses for himself. In Tom's case, he always reasoned that the other boy made his choice; he knew what he was getting into when he chose to be with Bill. That was Bill's number one excuse every time he was being an ass to Tom. 'It's not my fault,' he kept saying to himself, he chose to go through this.
He tried reassuring himself with the same words this time, but it wasn't enough. He had no reasonable explanation for his stupid and completely impatient behavior towards Tom.
Bill wasn't a saint. No one had forced him to be in this relationship and he wasn't having a bad time. He couldn't blame Tom every time he was having a bad day.
He felt truly ashamed. Who knew what Tom was thinking about him now. What if he got fed up? This wasn't the first time Bill had been a baby while Tom unsuccessfully tried to lighten his mood by taking him out, helping him escape his brain's misery. It happened a lot but Bill was trying, he really was. He was trying to listen to Tom and see things his way and make his wishes come true.
He knew he wasn't anyone's wish come true and Tom probably deserved more and that made him nervous and distant. He didn't mean to lash out on Tom and humiliate him, make him doubt his choice of beginning something new together. That was never his goal. He felt like shit and more importantly, he was afraid Tom was making the wrong assumptions.
They had an instant connection ever since their first meeting. Tom had answered questions that Bill hadn't even asked and he had started feeling something big and heavy weigh on his chest. It had been like an intense wave of love, ridiculous as it sounded, towards a person he hadn't even know for more than a couple of hours. Not a common "Valentine's Day" love, but a deeper feeling he felt he had shared with Tom before they even started dating.
He had been the first person that didn't give Bill a weird feeling, it was the first time after a very long time that Bill had felt his presence mean something. That him being there had mattered. Once Tom had been so straightforward and honest, Bill couldn't help but feel even more excited. He had felt blessed that Tom crossed his way and all he swore to do was try to slowly give all of it back through their relationship. But all he did was the opposite sometimes.
Tom had been brave enough to act with complete honesty from the beginning. Even when he felt he needed time and didn't talk to Bill for long, he never lied and he never hid his intentions. He treated Bill as an equal and probably asked for the same in return. Bill hadn't been honest and his stubbornness was making things difficult now that he couldn't quite explain to Tom how he felt and most importantly why he felt it. Bill knew he was probably coming off as very uptight and socially awkward for no apparent reason to Tom; but his boyfriend didn't know what Bill had been through.
Tom had no idea that Bill hadn't been honest - no, that Bill had blatantly lied about his condition and that lie was basically suffocating them. Tom couldn't understand and it was all Bill's fault.
Bill rubbed his eyes with wet hands. At times like these he could only sit back and contemplate. There were huge, tall walls all around him, an idea he had built for himself that kept getting further away. Self-pity wasn't his cup of tea, which was why he kept telling himself it was other people who made him feel like that, that they were the ones that pitied him and he never intended to give that impression. Just a tiny touch from Tom and the delusion was destroyed. It's all in your head.
Bill's guilt weighed hard on him, making the water freezing cold and his body shiver. He felt imprisoned in his frozen bubble, unable to move or get out, and Tom was reaching out to him but Bill couldn't hold his hand. He didn't know if he really wanted to or if he even deserved it.
Breathing out, the air hit the water below him, making it change direction and disturb its peace. He leaned his head back on the bathtub and opened his eyes, looking up at the white bathroom ceiling. The water was too cold and his skin was getting red, but Bill's body refused to listen to his brain and followed the same course with his unmoving legs. He wanted to just stay completely still and enjoy it for once. His chest was barely moving with every small breath and his arms lay limp on the sides of the bathtub.
How much more different would things be if Tom had showed up sooner in his life? Just a little sooner and he wouldn't have to be so silly and unreasonable. He would have dealt with things in a different way if he'd had another person to support him outside of his family. If he had known back then that there truly could be another person whose eyes would shine every time they turned his way. Things would have been different if Tom wasn't so damn late.
Bill sighed and tried to smile through his frozen face. Maybe Tom was late, but he was there now and that was all that mattered. And Bill wasn't going to lose him just because he was afraid of his stupid bubble finally breaking.
Author: elizabeth21r
Pairing(s): Tom/Bill
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot.
Warnings: OOC
Author's notes: I know this is a tricky subject and I might be horrible at describing it, so I'm sorry in advance. I was inspired by my little cousin who has been through a lot the last couple of years because of his disability. I dedicate this to him.
Thank you so so so much littlemrstom for the beta, I owe you ♥ Also, thanks to whoever offered me help with this short fic and of course, to every reader :) I'll be posting a chapter every other day so this will be completed by next week!
Banner made by chicaintcheap.
Summary:
"There are people out there who can see more than whether you can walk or not."
Bill hadn't met any of them in his nineteen years but Tom was determined to burst his bubble.
Only the soft sound of the radio filled the uncomfortable silence as Tom drove the car late at night. Bill was frowning in the passenger seat and Tom was trying hard not to take his eyes off the road, his arms occasionally hurting from the effort of moving them as little as possible.
"Could you please slow down?"
Tom took a deep breath and gently hit the brakes, not even glancing towards Bill. The younger boy had been a pain in the ass ever since they got in the car. Earlier that evening, Tom had desperately tried to persuade Bill to meet his friends, maybe drink a couple of beers and spend some quality time together. Bill kept telling Tom that he really didn't want to leave the house and now that Tom thought about it, he should have just respected the boy's decision.
"Tonight was a disaster," Bill whispered between his teeth.
Still not looking at him, Tom sighed. "I really don't understand you sometimes."
"What is it that you don't understand?" Bill snapped, turning towards Tom's direction. "The way they were all looking at me..."
"Jesus, Bill," Tom groaned. "Everyone was looking at you fine, they liked you. Stop being such a baby."
"A baby?" Bill asked aloud. "Seriously, Tom? If I'm being such a baby and it's pissing you off then maybe you can just stop talking to me."
Tom licked his lips and stopped himself before saying something stupid. He took his right hand off the gear lever and brought it to his face, running his fingers over his forehead.
"Bill," he tried, with as much a gentle voice as possible. "I really like you, okay?" he said, and for the first time, he looked towards Bill. The boy had turned his face to the window on his right, his elbow touched the surface of the door as his hand was placed under his chin, keeping his head steady. "And I care about you. I just wanted you to have fun and meet the few people I can call friends. Was it such a bad thing?"
"I told you I didn't want to leave the house," Bill snapped again, ignoring Tom's soft words. "I didn't feel like it. I didn't feel nice or comfortable. I didn't have fun. I don't like how people keep staring, I can't stand their eyes on me. Can you get this through your thick head?" he said, taking no breath. It sounded to Tom like Bill had said the exact same words a million times before. "If you can't then I think we should stop this right now."
Tom said nothing back. He knew Bill was angry and couldn't control the words coming out of his mouth. It was obvious how tired he was, his face was broken in a pained expression and black circles coloured the skin under his eyes.
He still looked as pretty as he'd be after ten hours of sleep to Tom.
Neither of them spoke for a while after that. Bill had switched off the radio, claiming he had a headache and Tom simply kept driving. All he wanted was to take Bill back to his place and leave, put some space between them so they could calm down. That was the only way he could keep himself from snapping at him, and it wasn't going to be pretty at all.
Sometimes Bill could become very difficult to deal with. It didn't make Tom regret his decision to approach him or ask him to try this. It just made him feel stupid for not finding a way to make things easier.
Bill took a deep breath and stretched his back, a groan escaping his lips. "These are really uncomfortable," he said, clearly referring to the seats of the car.
Tom rolled his eyes. "You could've stayed at my place, like I said a hundred times, so you wouldn't have to spend so much time on them."
The tension between them was back and Bill turned towards Tom, his hands still touching the small of his back. "Oh, really Tom?" he asked. "I told you I have to take a shower today. Would you take care of that?" he added, his eyes challenging Tom to state the obvious. Of course he couldn't take care of that. "Please," he finally said, burying his hands in his pockets.
"You know what?" Tom's voice broke and the car suddenly stopped. "You're home," he snapped, getting out of the car and slamming the door shut behind him.
As he walked towards Bill's house and rang the bell for Simone, not once did he turn towards the car's direction. He was extremely pissed, and when Simone was next to him, she noticed it herself. He took a deep breath, slowly letting it out, trying to calm down as she worriedly looked at him. He didn't like fighting. He knew he wasn't going to sleep well that night.
"What happened?" Simone asked, and Tom threw his hands in the air.
"Seriously, Mrs. Kaulitz, sometimes it's just..." he stopped, hitting his forehead with his fist.
Simone turned around and saw her son's figure through the window; his head was bowed as he probably stared at his knees, a usual thing for him to do when he was upset about something. His long neck created a beautiful curve and his mother couldn't help but feel bad. Feel bad for him, for his behavior, for the fact that Bill couldn't even do differently sometimes. She knew it was difficult. Bill was difficult.
She turned back to Tom again and noticed how he hung his own head, looking at his shoes. Simone touched his shoulder, making him look up. "I told you," she said, her voice never holding a warning tone. She was always sweet and understanding. "It needs time and patience."
Tom nodded and simply walked towards his car before he started complaining about Bill to his own mother. He opened the passenger's door without looking at it and walked to the front of the car, leaving Simone to deal with Bill and take him home all alone.
As he discreetly tried to observe the scene, Tom couldn't help but feel his heart clenching inside. The Bill he had dealt with in the car completely vanished as soon as the door opened, his cold expression now looked more like a very hurt one. He looked small and innocent wrapped inside his mother's arms.
How could someone be two different people in such a short period of time? How could it get so confusing?
Tom felt the need to run towards Bill and apologize for making him go out, ask him when they'll see each other again; he didn't though. He knew all of this would be probably forgotten tomorrow, and he didn't want to be the one who'd taken the step back. He'd been too damn angry at Bill.
Simone kissed Tom goodbye, her eyes apologetic as he looked towards Bill and received the cold shoulder in return. Tom got in the car and with short and sharp movements started it, driving noisily far away from the source of his short temper. He needed a drink for now, in the peace of his house and the soft sounds of music. And some sleep.
The next day would be better. It always was.
~~
"Bill? Is everything alright?"
His mother's worried voice startled Bill as it echoed in the silence of the room. The water around him was icy cold and he was trembling, but he didn't feel like leaving yet. It was quiet in the bathroom and his mother's disappointed and questioning eyes couldn't reach him. He was alone.
"Yeah, I'm fine," he answered, his voice rough and cold. He sunk his back even lower in the frozen water and rested his head on the edge of the bathtub. Bill usually enjoyed his long, relaxing baths during the night. All the different aromas he so carefully chose every time created a unique and kind of heavy aura that served the purpose of completely blocking the rest of the world.
Moving his right arm out of the water, he frowned as he stared at his wrinkled fingers. He had to have been a long time in there, judging by the concern in his mother's voice. All he wanted was to sleep but all he managed was to freeze in the bathtub while thinking about everything. Why was he such an awful person?
Tom's hurt expression couldn't stop pressing in Bill's brain. All Tom ever tried to do was make him happy and lift his spirits and that was Bill's way of repaying him? How much more of a jerk could he be
Sometimes even Bill ran out of excuses for himself. In Tom's case, he always reasoned that the other boy made his choice; he knew what he was getting into when he chose to be with Bill. That was Bill's number one excuse every time he was being an ass to Tom. 'It's not my fault,' he kept saying to himself, he chose to go through this.
He tried reassuring himself with the same words this time, but it wasn't enough. He had no reasonable explanation for his stupid and completely impatient behavior towards Tom.
Bill wasn't a saint. No one had forced him to be in this relationship and he wasn't having a bad time. He couldn't blame Tom every time he was having a bad day.
He felt truly ashamed. Who knew what Tom was thinking about him now. What if he got fed up? This wasn't the first time Bill had been a baby while Tom unsuccessfully tried to lighten his mood by taking him out, helping him escape his brain's misery. It happened a lot but Bill was trying, he really was. He was trying to listen to Tom and see things his way and make his wishes come true.
He knew he wasn't anyone's wish come true and Tom probably deserved more and that made him nervous and distant. He didn't mean to lash out on Tom and humiliate him, make him doubt his choice of beginning something new together. That was never his goal. He felt like shit and more importantly, he was afraid Tom was making the wrong assumptions.
They had an instant connection ever since their first meeting. Tom had answered questions that Bill hadn't even asked and he had started feeling something big and heavy weigh on his chest. It had been like an intense wave of love, ridiculous as it sounded, towards a person he hadn't even know for more than a couple of hours. Not a common "Valentine's Day" love, but a deeper feeling he felt he had shared with Tom before they even started dating.
He had been the first person that didn't give Bill a weird feeling, it was the first time after a very long time that Bill had felt his presence mean something. That him being there had mattered. Once Tom had been so straightforward and honest, Bill couldn't help but feel even more excited. He had felt blessed that Tom crossed his way and all he swore to do was try to slowly give all of it back through their relationship. But all he did was the opposite sometimes.
Tom had been brave enough to act with complete honesty from the beginning. Even when he felt he needed time and didn't talk to Bill for long, he never lied and he never hid his intentions. He treated Bill as an equal and probably asked for the same in return. Bill hadn't been honest and his stubbornness was making things difficult now that he couldn't quite explain to Tom how he felt and most importantly why he felt it. Bill knew he was probably coming off as very uptight and socially awkward for no apparent reason to Tom; but his boyfriend didn't know what Bill had been through.
Tom had no idea that Bill hadn't been honest - no, that Bill had blatantly lied about his condition and that lie was basically suffocating them. Tom couldn't understand and it was all Bill's fault.
Bill rubbed his eyes with wet hands. At times like these he could only sit back and contemplate. There were huge, tall walls all around him, an idea he had built for himself that kept getting further away. Self-pity wasn't his cup of tea, which was why he kept telling himself it was other people who made him feel like that, that they were the ones that pitied him and he never intended to give that impression. Just a tiny touch from Tom and the delusion was destroyed. It's all in your head.
Bill's guilt weighed hard on him, making the water freezing cold and his body shiver. He felt imprisoned in his frozen bubble, unable to move or get out, and Tom was reaching out to him but Bill couldn't hold his hand. He didn't know if he really wanted to or if he even deserved it.
Breathing out, the air hit the water below him, making it change direction and disturb its peace. He leaned his head back on the bathtub and opened his eyes, looking up at the white bathroom ceiling. The water was too cold and his skin was getting red, but Bill's body refused to listen to his brain and followed the same course with his unmoving legs. He wanted to just stay completely still and enjoy it for once. His chest was barely moving with every small breath and his arms lay limp on the sides of the bathtub.
How much more different would things be if Tom had showed up sooner in his life? Just a little sooner and he wouldn't have to be so silly and unreasonable. He would have dealt with things in a different way if he'd had another person to support him outside of his family. If he had known back then that there truly could be another person whose eyes would shine every time they turned his way. Things would have been different if Tom wasn't so damn late.
Bill sighed and tried to smile through his frozen face. Maybe Tom was late, but he was there now and that was all that mattered. And Bill wasn't going to lose him just because he was afraid of his stupid bubble finally breaking.