how the fuck do you give this shit a title?
.........................
god.... damn.. never thought this would end up this way. never thought that.. that.. he'd.. -sighs-
-sighs and brings legs to my chest.. closes eyes-
what a past, so much.. confusion? -scratches head-..
you following me?
you probably wouldn't be right now.. because frankly.. my head.. is zooming around in so many fucking circles.. and my body wants to pass out from the emotions that i've been feeling for the past.. friggen.. week..
so... i know.. you're all wondering.. how.. why.. ya'll fucked before.. is it love? am i baiting him... thinking horrible thoughts and that my intentions were horrible. well.. you're thinking.. the wrong way.. heres what happened.. because i'd rather tell it myself. right here.. then having to explain it a thousand and one times to each individual...
everyone knows.. -rubs face- that lance and i.. well.. yeah.. had.. quiet the um.. friendship.. before.. and... i think the thing that drew me to him was. well.. he was.. a freak -laughs a little- just.. a dork.. with smiley faces that um.. really meant ways of having sex. wanting sex.. ok.. we joked around and.. i dont know.. felt wild. just was stupid together.. and he made me.. laugh.. i guess.. at that point. hadn't really laughed in a while.. i liked it.. liked him.. he was a cool guy..
things happened.. relationships fell apart.. grew.. i backed away..and we went our seperate ways.. one night.. dont remember why.. dont remember when.. but.. we talked. exchanged hellos.. talked about old jokes.. started to laugh.. and the laughing turned into holding our stomachs cause we couldn't breathe from all the stupid memories.. then .. just. damn.. yeah.. then we started talking more about what was new in our lives.. and the stuff just flew out.. suddenly.. we just confided in each other.. it was so easy.. to just.. talk and not shut up.. so.. we ended up talking again the next day.. and the next.. and the next.. and the next... just being stupid.. and when we'd have problems.. he'd come to my house.. i'd come to his.. if we just didn't understand something.. and just wanted to talk while the other just.. listened.. that was all.. we never touched.. never shared an embrace other than a hug or two in a hello or goodbye.. but something.. touched us deeper than.. human contact.. something.. bigger.. something i couldn't explain.. and it brought back a .. glow inside me that i haven't had since. well.. since my mom died.. shane.. he knew it.. right away.. perceptive bastard.. he never knew who it was.. and i wouldn't tell.. i didn't know where we were going or what direction was up.. and.. and lance and i.. we. .tried to fight it as much as we could.. but.. one night.. it just happened.. the words flew out like. poetry.. soft and . easy.. like they were.. meant to be said.. and i've never had.. such an amazing.. rush.. than i've had since i heard him say those three words.. or just.. the way he looks at me.. he gave me... a necklace.. it was beautiful.. it was to us.. and the love we shared.. we didn't know what the fuck we were doing or where anythign was gonna lead.. all we knew was.. we .. had to be around each other.. it was.. intoxicating.. and.. then..talk of um.. -picks at jeans nevously- seperation and.. -sighs- i dont know.. -closes eyes- i do know.. that it wasn't planned.. and my intentions were never.. ever. to have anyone hate me. and it hurts to say people do..
theres a web.. crushes and likes that i had before the feeling i had with lance became so strong.. and .. i just.. -swallows- i dont know.. i .. i -sighs and rubs face-.. im with josh.. and my mind is saying.. well.. you know.. lance is.. going through so much because of this.. going through so so much.. and he.. has two.. beautiful children.. and.. they .. they should have a family.. get the fuck out and. leave them alone.. but my heart.. its listening to every sweet word he says about how.. he.. needs me to breathe. how.. hes not happy and couldn't be a good parent.. couldn't be good at anything.. if he lost me.. how.. how much he loves me.. and is so so sorry for being scared and running away.. and that he will fight for me..
my heart.. is quivering in my chest.. and im literily shaking .. i can't think straight.. can't even fucking type.. what im writing? probably makes no god damn sence.. to anyone.. and.. im just.. im so scared.. im so so so scared and im freaking the fuck out and just.. from falling in love to being berated my someone whose like my brother for holding in something like this.. to being pushed away.. to running away from it.. to tj.. to nat.. to josh telling me he loves me.. to me and em actually having conversations and me praying to every availible higher source that she doesn't hate me and my insides dieing when i looked at her knowing.. god damn .. i.. i love lance. and.. oh just .. fuck.. what the fuck why.. i .. i . dont know.. and .. now.. just.. blasts from my pasts.. only being able to be tolerated.. not wanted to be understood just tolerated.. i feel like i can't breath can't sleep can't keep my feet on the floor my heart is crying and swelling.. and my mind .. it just fucking hurts.. and im in this damn whirlwind and i wanna grab onto the fucking wall and scream for it to stop but it doesn't.. it wont.. the feelings.. they're not dieing. .they're to real.. to deep for that. i can't make them go away and i dont know if i want them to but i dont know if they should.. my heart and mind actually feels like its duking it out somewhere in the middle of my throat and i dont want to lose ANYONE.. i know that im one fucked up individual.. especially right now.. but god dammit people who actualy are in this whole pile of shit.. i LOVE you.. some how .. some way. .god ifucking care about you.. and it kills me inside so bad to even THINK about losing ANY of you at ALLLLLLLLL i wanna take something and shake it so hard and i wanna curl in a corner and cry myself to sleep.. i .. god fucking shit fuck ass cunt and all differen't kinds of swears.. i know you can't understand this and thats OK because frankly im not even going to look up for editing.. this is my journal.. well you got it.. raw and uncut.. i hope you have a shovel to actually dig through it for meaning.. because this.. is what my insides feel like.. i dont want to let lance go i dont and i dont want to let josh go and i dont want em to be hurt and i want those babies to have an amazing family and i want everyone to be ok .and i want nat to stop crying and i want tj to find happiness and i want to leave earth and never come back but i wanna crawl inside a buble with lance -sighs- cause i want him .. and ifeel so fucking BAD for that so fucking bad but i can't help who i love and i dont know god dammit. i care about josh but fuck hes gonna hate me till no end because im a girl whose head isn't screwed on right right now and the poor boy probably feels like hes been lead on all the way to fuckin guam.. but my feelings for him were real.. i had a crush on him in the begining and god hes fun to hang out with but im in love with lance.. crush/love.. and .. just.. big difference.. i probably made a mistake.. ok your right... alllllll of you who said it was to fast. you happy yes im admiting it i was WRONG i shouldn't have jumped so fast but god i just wanted to be fucking loved -kicks table really hard and watches it and everythign on top of it fly all over the place- well..... fuck..
when this is over.. if i hit the update button.. everyone whose ever said i love you to me in the past week will probably start thinking that THEY were the crazy one because.. im such a mess.. just.. a mess.
-takes comforter.. lays on the floor.. pulls it over me completely.. and just.. fuckin.. lays there-
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[Edit; can't sleep.. weird huh? so whad i do.. i made a new journal background..kinda.. eh.. describes the way i feel. in a way.. yeah]
god.... damn.. never thought this would end up this way. never thought that.. that.. he'd.. -sighs-
-sighs and brings legs to my chest.. closes eyes-
what a past, so much.. confusion? -scratches head-..
you following me?
you probably wouldn't be right now.. because frankly.. my head.. is zooming around in so many fucking circles.. and my body wants to pass out from the emotions that i've been feeling for the past.. friggen.. week..
so... i know.. you're all wondering.. how.. why.. ya'll fucked before.. is it love? am i baiting him... thinking horrible thoughts and that my intentions were horrible. well.. you're thinking.. the wrong way.. heres what happened.. because i'd rather tell it myself. right here.. then having to explain it a thousand and one times to each individual...
everyone knows.. -rubs face- that lance and i.. well.. yeah.. had.. quiet the um.. friendship.. before.. and... i think the thing that drew me to him was. well.. he was.. a freak -laughs a little- just.. a dork.. with smiley faces that um.. really meant ways of having sex. wanting sex.. ok.. we joked around and.. i dont know.. felt wild. just was stupid together.. and he made me.. laugh.. i guess.. at that point. hadn't really laughed in a while.. i liked it.. liked him.. he was a cool guy..
things happened.. relationships fell apart.. grew.. i backed away..and we went our seperate ways.. one night.. dont remember why.. dont remember when.. but.. we talked. exchanged hellos.. talked about old jokes.. started to laugh.. and the laughing turned into holding our stomachs cause we couldn't breathe from all the stupid memories.. then .. just. damn.. yeah.. then we started talking more about what was new in our lives.. and the stuff just flew out.. suddenly.. we just confided in each other.. it was so easy.. to just.. talk and not shut up.. so.. we ended up talking again the next day.. and the next.. and the next.. and the next... just being stupid.. and when we'd have problems.. he'd come to my house.. i'd come to his.. if we just didn't understand something.. and just wanted to talk while the other just.. listened.. that was all.. we never touched.. never shared an embrace other than a hug or two in a hello or goodbye.. but something.. touched us deeper than.. human contact.. something.. bigger.. something i couldn't explain.. and it brought back a .. glow inside me that i haven't had since. well.. since my mom died.. shane.. he knew it.. right away.. perceptive bastard.. he never knew who it was.. and i wouldn't tell.. i didn't know where we were going or what direction was up.. and.. and lance and i.. we. .tried to fight it as much as we could.. but.. one night.. it just happened.. the words flew out like. poetry.. soft and . easy.. like they were.. meant to be said.. and i've never had.. such an amazing.. rush.. than i've had since i heard him say those three words.. or just.. the way he looks at me.. he gave me... a necklace.. it was beautiful.. it was to us.. and the love we shared.. we didn't know what the fuck we were doing or where anythign was gonna lead.. all we knew was.. we .. had to be around each other.. it was.. intoxicating.. and.. then..talk of um.. -picks at jeans nevously- seperation and.. -sighs- i dont know.. -closes eyes- i do know.. that it wasn't planned.. and my intentions were never.. ever. to have anyone hate me. and it hurts to say people do..
theres a web.. crushes and likes that i had before the feeling i had with lance became so strong.. and .. i just.. -swallows- i dont know.. i .. i -sighs and rubs face-.. im with josh.. and my mind is saying.. well.. you know.. lance is.. going through so much because of this.. going through so so much.. and he.. has two.. beautiful children.. and.. they .. they should have a family.. get the fuck out and. leave them alone.. but my heart.. its listening to every sweet word he says about how.. he.. needs me to breathe. how.. hes not happy and couldn't be a good parent.. couldn't be good at anything.. if he lost me.. how.. how much he loves me.. and is so so sorry for being scared and running away.. and that he will fight for me..
my heart.. is quivering in my chest.. and im literily shaking .. i can't think straight.. can't even fucking type.. what im writing? probably makes no god damn sence.. to anyone.. and.. im just.. im so scared.. im so so so scared and im freaking the fuck out and just.. from falling in love to being berated my someone whose like my brother for holding in something like this.. to being pushed away.. to running away from it.. to tj.. to nat.. to josh telling me he loves me.. to me and em actually having conversations and me praying to every availible higher source that she doesn't hate me and my insides dieing when i looked at her knowing.. god damn .. i.. i love lance. and.. oh just .. fuck.. what the fuck why.. i .. i . dont know.. and .. now.. just.. blasts from my pasts.. only being able to be tolerated.. not wanted to be understood just tolerated.. i feel like i can't breath can't sleep can't keep my feet on the floor my heart is crying and swelling.. and my mind .. it just fucking hurts.. and im in this damn whirlwind and i wanna grab onto the fucking wall and scream for it to stop but it doesn't.. it wont.. the feelings.. they're not dieing. .they're to real.. to deep for that. i can't make them go away and i dont know if i want them to but i dont know if they should.. my heart and mind actually feels like its duking it out somewhere in the middle of my throat and i dont want to lose ANYONE.. i know that im one fucked up individual.. especially right now.. but god dammit people who actualy are in this whole pile of shit.. i LOVE you.. some how .. some way. .god ifucking care about you.. and it kills me inside so bad to even THINK about losing ANY of you at ALLLLLLLLL i wanna take something and shake it so hard and i wanna curl in a corner and cry myself to sleep.. i .. god fucking shit fuck ass cunt and all differen't kinds of swears.. i know you can't understand this and thats OK because frankly im not even going to look up for editing.. this is my journal.. well you got it.. raw and uncut.. i hope you have a shovel to actually dig through it for meaning.. because this.. is what my insides feel like.. i dont want to let lance go i dont and i dont want to let josh go and i dont want em to be hurt and i want those babies to have an amazing family and i want everyone to be ok .and i want nat to stop crying and i want tj to find happiness and i want to leave earth and never come back but i wanna crawl inside a buble with lance -sighs- cause i want him .. and ifeel so fucking BAD for that so fucking bad but i can't help who i love and i dont know god dammit. i care about josh but fuck hes gonna hate me till no end because im a girl whose head isn't screwed on right right now and the poor boy probably feels like hes been lead on all the way to fuckin guam.. but my feelings for him were real.. i had a crush on him in the begining and god hes fun to hang out with but im in love with lance.. crush/love.. and .. just.. big difference.. i probably made a mistake.. ok your right... alllllll of you who said it was to fast. you happy yes im admiting it i was WRONG i shouldn't have jumped so fast but god i just wanted to be fucking loved -kicks table really hard and watches it and everythign on top of it fly all over the place- well..... fuck..
when this is over.. if i hit the update button.. everyone whose ever said i love you to me in the past week will probably start thinking that THEY were the crazy one because.. im such a mess.. just.. a mess.
-takes comforter.. lays on the floor.. pulls it over me completely.. and just.. fuckin.. lays there-
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[Edit; can't sleep.. weird huh? so whad i do.. i made a new journal background..kinda.. eh.. describes the way i feel. in a way.. yeah]