It's 3:47am and I can't sleep
Still?
Always.
I have not been a good sleeper since I was a little girl when I was woken up regularly by Very Bad Things.
And so it can be scary to fall asleep. And so exhausting and predictable to wake up again in the middle of the night.
For a long time I filled that void with babies and those were the very best of years.
Then I filled it with alcohol when my body wouldn't make any more babies and those were okay years.
For a very brief time I filled with chocolate and those were very yummy but short lived fat couple of months. Oh god so yummy.
Now I just lie there and feel the void as it expands and contracts around me.
Someday I will fall into that void as we all must and then I'll be really pissed at myself for wasting so many hours outside of the void worrying about the void but it is very hard to reason with a body that won't sleep.
It's also really hard to accept some nights that my 40-something self is no stronger or smarter than my 20-something self who still wrestles with the same demons and still feels the need to come here and confess them like dirty little secrets.
I vaguely recall that those years were filled with way more fun though. Thank god there was no selfie stick back then because I would not have been immune to my own charm.
It's hard to have fun by yourself at 4 in the morning when you can't sleep. Or is it? I need to stop fighting the inevitable and start working with it. Reading Cards Against Humanity is always good for a giggle.
But I'm tired of being a consumer of content.
For a very long time I was a good little contributor and a funny one at that.
Then a lot more Bad Shit happened, shit like friends dying or trying to kill themselves. Things that are very hard to make sense of let alone laugh through.
Are these my Character Building years or some shit?
As always it feels like there's a Really Big Answer just staring me in the face waiting for me to see it.
I'm looking.
I'll get there.
Always.
I have not been a good sleeper since I was a little girl when I was woken up regularly by Very Bad Things.
And so it can be scary to fall asleep. And so exhausting and predictable to wake up again in the middle of the night.
For a long time I filled that void with babies and those were the very best of years.
Then I filled it with alcohol when my body wouldn't make any more babies and those were okay years.
For a very brief time I filled with chocolate and those were very yummy but short lived fat couple of months. Oh god so yummy.
Now I just lie there and feel the void as it expands and contracts around me.
Someday I will fall into that void as we all must and then I'll be really pissed at myself for wasting so many hours outside of the void worrying about the void but it is very hard to reason with a body that won't sleep.
It's also really hard to accept some nights that my 40-something self is no stronger or smarter than my 20-something self who still wrestles with the same demons and still feels the need to come here and confess them like dirty little secrets.
I vaguely recall that those years were filled with way more fun though. Thank god there was no selfie stick back then because I would not have been immune to my own charm.
It's hard to have fun by yourself at 4 in the morning when you can't sleep. Or is it? I need to stop fighting the inevitable and start working with it. Reading Cards Against Humanity is always good for a giggle.
But I'm tired of being a consumer of content.
For a very long time I was a good little contributor and a funny one at that.
Then a lot more Bad Shit happened, shit like friends dying or trying to kill themselves. Things that are very hard to make sense of let alone laugh through.
Are these my Character Building years or some shit?
As always it feels like there's a Really Big Answer just staring me in the face waiting for me to see it.
I'm looking.
I'll get there.