Kill Whitey 2008
Yeah, so Tuesday night was going to be all the WIN in the world and for the most part it was. Sex and the City came out on DVD, I scored it super-cheapo, some of the finest ladies in the land came over to watch it while drinking Cosnos, which are like Cosmos if by 'like' you mean just a similar colour while tasting of pink Crystal Light instead. Cuz. You know. Diets and all.
Then the ladies left and Cyn and I had our final smokes of the night when she decided she'd go home too, cuz she lives around the corner and every so often gets the urge to count her dildos or hump her own pillow or whatever it is she does when she's there and not here. That's her business, man. The point being she's back before Crispin wakes up so no one's ever the wiser and it's all good.
Usually.
Except under ordinary circumstances she generally does this after I've gone to bed too. Not while I'm on the porch beside her. Another important part to this story is understanding that I have a wonky front door which will not stay closed unless locked. So when we go out for our smokes or whathaveyou we have to lock the front door and usually just leave the keys hanging there until we're ready to go back in.
You see where I'm going with this, right?
Right. So Kneegs calls a cab and grabs the keys to go, cuz, you know, she'll totally need to let herself back in the house in the morning before everyone is awake. And I sit there on the porch, drunk and happy and watch her take the keys and get in a cab and leave. And it still doesn't occur to me that there's anything wrong here, not while I have another smoke, not while I pee on the porch cuz I'm totally classy like that some nights, not until I get up to go back inside and recognize. Duh. Bitch just locked you out and left.
No cellphone.
No money.
Neighbours all long since asleep so I'm too shamed to wake them up for help.
And it's a bajillion degrees of freezing out there.
And so passes the longest, coldest night of my life. I tried to break in every which way there possibly is but I am now well assured that my house is impenetrable. At least by rank amateurs. The kids are asleep upstairs and I'm too scared to leave them to go for help because in my totally rational mama brain that's exactly when a serial killer is going to manage to do what I clearly cannot which is break into the house and kill them all or a fire will burn the house down or whatever man, I cannot leave those babies alone in that house or they will all die and nothing you say will convince me otherwise dammit!
Motherhood. It's great for sanity. True story.
So anyway 6 or 7 very long cold hours pass while I sit there and weep because I'm too cold to move and eventually Kneegs comes back to find me...
It should be noted for the record that this is not ACTUALLY a photo of me, despite the amazing lifelikeness. It is too a word, shut it. Kneegs was too busy reassuring the cab driver that no, it wasn't a vagrant who'd crawled up on the porch to die to take an actual photo. Plus, you know, trying to keep me from actual death and all. So I had to find this photo to demonstrate the seriousness of it all. In real life I am clearly way skinnier. Duh. And vagina hairz may or may not have been intentionally overdramatized to make Polaks skitter.
Regardless Kneegs half carried me upstairs, flagellating herself the whole way and we rolled me up in all the blankets in the world and I lay down for a couple of hours because HAI! It's still a school day and I've got too much work to do since I'm covering for so many people to let a complete lack of sleep and hypothermia keep me from the office. Some gubberment worker I am.
And now I'm fine. I went to bed at 7:45 last night which is actually earlier than my kids. None of my extremeties have blackened or fallen off from the extremely dangerous September frostbite. It's a miracle that I wasn't attacked and killed by any of the rogue wolverines or raccoons or killer squirrels in my neighbourhood. So I'm very, very lucky.
Still.
Remember when my friends didn't kick me in the head and try to kill me??
Me neither.
To add insult to injury I went to bed too early last night to drink any of my beloved 0 carb, low cal, tasty vodka with diet soda best friend. And I woke up a full pound lighter this morning. Clearly I'm being persecuted by my friends AND my vodka. Because don't think I don't notice that no one else here is getting kicked in the head and being left out to die, people.
I'm watching you.
Then the ladies left and Cyn and I had our final smokes of the night when she decided she'd go home too, cuz she lives around the corner and every so often gets the urge to count her dildos or hump her own pillow or whatever it is she does when she's there and not here. That's her business, man. The point being she's back before Crispin wakes up so no one's ever the wiser and it's all good.
Usually.
Except under ordinary circumstances she generally does this after I've gone to bed too. Not while I'm on the porch beside her. Another important part to this story is understanding that I have a wonky front door which will not stay closed unless locked. So when we go out for our smokes or whathaveyou we have to lock the front door and usually just leave the keys hanging there until we're ready to go back in.
You see where I'm going with this, right?
Right. So Kneegs calls a cab and grabs the keys to go, cuz, you know, she'll totally need to let herself back in the house in the morning before everyone is awake. And I sit there on the porch, drunk and happy and watch her take the keys and get in a cab and leave. And it still doesn't occur to me that there's anything wrong here, not while I have another smoke, not while I pee on the porch cuz I'm totally classy like that some nights, not until I get up to go back inside and recognize. Duh. Bitch just locked you out and left.
No cellphone.
No money.
Neighbours all long since asleep so I'm too shamed to wake them up for help.
And it's a bajillion degrees of freezing out there.
And so passes the longest, coldest night of my life. I tried to break in every which way there possibly is but I am now well assured that my house is impenetrable. At least by rank amateurs. The kids are asleep upstairs and I'm too scared to leave them to go for help because in my totally rational mama brain that's exactly when a serial killer is going to manage to do what I clearly cannot which is break into the house and kill them all or a fire will burn the house down or whatever man, I cannot leave those babies alone in that house or they will all die and nothing you say will convince me otherwise dammit!
Motherhood. It's great for sanity. True story.
So anyway 6 or 7 very long cold hours pass while I sit there and weep because I'm too cold to move and eventually Kneegs comes back to find me...
It should be noted for the record that this is not ACTUALLY a photo of me, despite the amazing lifelikeness. It is too a word, shut it. Kneegs was too busy reassuring the cab driver that no, it wasn't a vagrant who'd crawled up on the porch to die to take an actual photo. Plus, you know, trying to keep me from actual death and all. So I had to find this photo to demonstrate the seriousness of it all. In real life I am clearly way skinnier. Duh. And vagina hairz may or may not have been intentionally overdramatized to make Polaks skitter.
Regardless Kneegs half carried me upstairs, flagellating herself the whole way and we rolled me up in all the blankets in the world and I lay down for a couple of hours because HAI! It's still a school day and I've got too much work to do since I'm covering for so many people to let a complete lack of sleep and hypothermia keep me from the office. Some gubberment worker I am.
And now I'm fine. I went to bed at 7:45 last night which is actually earlier than my kids. None of my extremeties have blackened or fallen off from the extremely dangerous September frostbite. It's a miracle that I wasn't attacked and killed by any of the rogue wolverines or raccoons or killer squirrels in my neighbourhood. So I'm very, very lucky.
Still.
Remember when my friends didn't kick me in the head and try to kill me??
Me neither.
To add insult to injury I went to bed too early last night to drink any of my beloved 0 carb, low cal, tasty vodka with diet soda best friend. And I woke up a full pound lighter this morning. Clearly I'm being persecuted by my friends AND my vodka. Because don't think I don't notice that no one else here is getting kicked in the head and being left out to die, people.
I'm watching you.