(no subject)
So last night all I dreamt about was how messy it would be to try to eat or drink without a tongue. Cuz Cyn brought over this totally wicked film Oldboy and my brain is so broken that what it chose to fixate on was the one character who cut off his own tongue and not even how cool that is but rather what a mess he must make when he tries to eat now.
I'm not well.
Cuz clearly that's a newsflash to everyone here.
In my ongoing quest to be as cheap and lazy as humanly possible I'm bunging some bacon in the oven later and calling it BLT Night. Cuz last week I threw some store-bought meatballs in a bun with some tomato sauce and cheese and they all reacted like it was the second coming of Sandwich Jesus. Apparently you CAN get away with calling a sandwich dinner as long as there is broiled cheese involved. Oh, and meat. I made the mistake of trying this totally yummy mashed white kidney beans concoction someone on my f-list posted and I thought it tasted awesome but Fratboy turned up his not-inconsiderable Fratnose at it and asked 'what is this, some kind of vegan thing'? In pretty much the same tone of voice you'd use to inquire whether you were being served LEPROSY ON A BUN. Between him and Cyn I'd sooner shave my own eyebrows off than ever attempt to serve any meal without meat ever again, that mighty is their vegan wrath.
And since I'm eating all the bacon in the world for dinner tonight clearly there's no point eating a salad for lunch. So I'm having cheesecake instead. Except it is taking too long to defrost so I'm taking the edge off with some chips and ice cream. Cuz BLT Night is no time to diet dammit. Or, rather, PMS week is no time to diet and who am I to argue with PMS?
Mmmmmmmm, cheesecake is melting...
So fuck you Lunch Douches and all your showy, jazz-hands lunches made up of your showy, jazz-hands gourmand dinner leftovers. Sure I could learn to cook like that but hell I'm already fabulously attractive and frigging hilarious and just how much WIN can you expect one tiny frame to hold??! It's yet another humanitarian effort on my part to allow those less fortunate to feel temporarily superior to me for their mad cooking skillz and it is a kindness I would be willing to make even if it didn't mean I got to be completely lazy AND eat cheesecake for lunch.
No, really.
Me and Mother Theresa, I'm just sayin'.
Anyways I have to apologize to my bestest and most fabulous Niter but I HAD to steal this for here. Because before Fratboy suckered me into a lifetime of indentured servitude filled my life with such domestic bliss, the fact that this guy tattoed a moustache on his finger would have been total spanish fly to me...
There is something really wrong with me.
Fortunately there is something EVEN MORE WRONG with him. Erm. I think. Which is worse, being the douche who tattoos a Mexican Moustache on your finger or being the chick who would sleep with him because of it?...
Regardless, I haven't smooshed about my small people or talked about my vagina much lately. What's up with that? Ha. I'm asking that like you'd know. Then again maybe you do. It's a bit rash of me to discount you like that innit? I apologize. Me, my pussy my bean thing and my adorable little beasts are all very very sorry, okay?
Woo. Somebody should really take this keyboard away cuz my TARD knows no bounds today...
I'm not well.
Cuz clearly that's a newsflash to everyone here.
In my ongoing quest to be as cheap and lazy as humanly possible I'm bunging some bacon in the oven later and calling it BLT Night. Cuz last week I threw some store-bought meatballs in a bun with some tomato sauce and cheese and they all reacted like it was the second coming of Sandwich Jesus. Apparently you CAN get away with calling a sandwich dinner as long as there is broiled cheese involved. Oh, and meat. I made the mistake of trying this totally yummy mashed white kidney beans concoction someone on my f-list posted and I thought it tasted awesome but Fratboy turned up his not-inconsiderable Fratnose at it and asked 'what is this, some kind of vegan thing'? In pretty much the same tone of voice you'd use to inquire whether you were being served LEPROSY ON A BUN. Between him and Cyn I'd sooner shave my own eyebrows off than ever attempt to serve any meal without meat ever again, that mighty is their vegan wrath.
And since I'm eating all the bacon in the world for dinner tonight clearly there's no point eating a salad for lunch. So I'm having cheesecake instead. Except it is taking too long to defrost so I'm taking the edge off with some chips and ice cream. Cuz BLT Night is no time to diet dammit. Or, rather, PMS week is no time to diet and who am I to argue with PMS?
Mmmmmmmm, cheesecake is melting...
So fuck you Lunch Douches and all your showy, jazz-hands lunches made up of your showy, jazz-hands gourmand dinner leftovers. Sure I could learn to cook like that but hell I'm already fabulously attractive and frigging hilarious and just how much WIN can you expect one tiny frame to hold??! It's yet another humanitarian effort on my part to allow those less fortunate to feel temporarily superior to me for their mad cooking skillz and it is a kindness I would be willing to make even if it didn't mean I got to be completely lazy AND eat cheesecake for lunch.
No, really.
Me and Mother Theresa, I'm just sayin'.
Anyways I have to apologize to my bestest and most fabulous Niter but I HAD to steal this for here. Because before Fratboy suckered me into a lifetime of indentured servitude filled my life with such domestic bliss, the fact that this guy tattoed a moustache on his finger would have been total spanish fly to me...
There is something really wrong with me.
Fortunately there is something EVEN MORE WRONG with him. Erm. I think. Which is worse, being the douche who tattoos a Mexican Moustache on your finger or being the chick who would sleep with him because of it?...
Regardless, I haven't smooshed about my small people or talked about my vagina much lately. What's up with that? Ha. I'm asking that like you'd know. Then again maybe you do. It's a bit rash of me to discount you like that innit? I apologize. Me, my pussy my bean thing and my adorable little beasts are all very very sorry, okay?
Woo. Somebody should really take this keyboard away cuz my TARD knows no bounds today...