(no subject)
Good lord am I ever Grumpy As Fuck these days. No idea why really. I mean, yeah I've got a toothache and a baby who thwarts all our attempts to help him sleep through the night. Whatever. Minor annoyances really. Certainly nothing to keep me feeling so foul this long.
It doesn't help that the weather gawds keep fucking with our attempts to go to Dance Cave. Sometime in May Cyn and I decided that the next Monday when it wasn't hotter than Satan's ballsack we'd head back to Cave and get our groove on.
It's almost August now. And wouldn't you know some days this week it's going to drop as low as 24 or 25 degrees. Tonight? 34.
Fuck you heat wave.
Grumpy, grumpy, grumpy. I want to DO something. I'm tired of running errands. I've been out of the house every day for the last several. Somehow going to stock up on toilet paper that is on sale is not flipping my furniture. Go figure. I'm all visited out. Visit here, visit there, come over, go away.
It still feels a bit like I'm on vacation or something. An extended, working vacation mind you. But it doesn't feel like real life yet. I don't know what real life is supposed to feel like when you have a kid. Hell, I wasn't that great at real life before I had a kid either. Ha.
I think I'm just missing that intrinsic Motherhood Gene, which I'd always suspected. I love this kid, but the thing is I get that he's not really mine. He's just on loan to me for a while. I get the priviledge of raising him, and yes I do view it as a priviledge. Right now I get all the cuddles I want and I can pass endless hours just making him laugh. Soon I get to teach him all about the world and get to be amazed at the way he's going to view it. It'll be fun. And frustrating at times no doubt. But at the end of the line is another woman (or man! woo!) who's going to come in and reap the rewards of all my hard work when they get to be his partner for life.
That's as it should be. I'll step aside and take my supporting role in his life. But then what? I feel like an ass really sitting here ruminating about something that's not going to happen for another 20 years. It's just the way my mind works I guess. The thing is, I'm sitting here at this self-imposed pinnacle and I'm a little confused. I did it. I reached the goal I set for myself, the one it felt like everyone on the planet was egging me towards. I have a fabulous husband who adores me. I have a beautiful, healthy son.
And there's this urge to just exhale at long last.
I can't afford to do that. It's still my life dammit, I just share it with a few more nifty people now. And realistically marriages fail and children grow up and move on. In the end it might still end up just being me, and I'd better be happy with myself and who I am. In some ways I wonder if this was all some elaborate Holy Grail quest I set for myself, never really thinking I'd ever find it, so that I could avoid the bigger questions of what I really want to accomplish for myself. So I could avoid failing at it.
So yeah. All this blathering to really say I love my husband, I love my kid but I still need to get off my ass and find my own passion. Only now I've got to figure it out while juggling the needs of a tiny person who needs me to wipe his ass, and a not so tiny person who needs me to do everything but. Ha.
Good thing I love a challenge.
I already feel less grumpy.
It doesn't help that the weather gawds keep fucking with our attempts to go to Dance Cave. Sometime in May Cyn and I decided that the next Monday when it wasn't hotter than Satan's ballsack we'd head back to Cave and get our groove on.
It's almost August now. And wouldn't you know some days this week it's going to drop as low as 24 or 25 degrees. Tonight? 34.
Fuck you heat wave.
Grumpy, grumpy, grumpy. I want to DO something. I'm tired of running errands. I've been out of the house every day for the last several. Somehow going to stock up on toilet paper that is on sale is not flipping my furniture. Go figure. I'm all visited out. Visit here, visit there, come over, go away.
It still feels a bit like I'm on vacation or something. An extended, working vacation mind you. But it doesn't feel like real life yet. I don't know what real life is supposed to feel like when you have a kid. Hell, I wasn't that great at real life before I had a kid either. Ha.
I think I'm just missing that intrinsic Motherhood Gene, which I'd always suspected. I love this kid, but the thing is I get that he's not really mine. He's just on loan to me for a while. I get the priviledge of raising him, and yes I do view it as a priviledge. Right now I get all the cuddles I want and I can pass endless hours just making him laugh. Soon I get to teach him all about the world and get to be amazed at the way he's going to view it. It'll be fun. And frustrating at times no doubt. But at the end of the line is another woman (or man! woo!) who's going to come in and reap the rewards of all my hard work when they get to be his partner for life.
That's as it should be. I'll step aside and take my supporting role in his life. But then what? I feel like an ass really sitting here ruminating about something that's not going to happen for another 20 years. It's just the way my mind works I guess. The thing is, I'm sitting here at this self-imposed pinnacle and I'm a little confused. I did it. I reached the goal I set for myself, the one it felt like everyone on the planet was egging me towards. I have a fabulous husband who adores me. I have a beautiful, healthy son.
And there's this urge to just exhale at long last.
I can't afford to do that. It's still my life dammit, I just share it with a few more nifty people now. And realistically marriages fail and children grow up and move on. In the end it might still end up just being me, and I'd better be happy with myself and who I am. In some ways I wonder if this was all some elaborate Holy Grail quest I set for myself, never really thinking I'd ever find it, so that I could avoid the bigger questions of what I really want to accomplish for myself. So I could avoid failing at it.
So yeah. All this blathering to really say I love my husband, I love my kid but I still need to get off my ass and find my own passion. Only now I've got to figure it out while juggling the needs of a tiny person who needs me to wipe his ass, and a not so tiny person who needs me to do everything but. Ha.
Good thing I love a challenge.
I already feel less grumpy.