this is getting silly
Really...boys are way more trouble than they're worth.
I'm starting to think that this relationship was a mistake. I mean...when I'm with him everything is great. There's conversation, we get along well, the sex is fantastic. But when we're not together...I miss him. I miss him a helluva lot. More than I think I even want to admit.
And...last week after we got back from the hotel I sort of instigated my "let's define our relationship" talk. Well more like...hey I'm falling for you and it scares me so I just wanted to touch base and see if you were feeling at all the same way because it really seems like sometimes you don't care at all. Which is pretty much what I told him... to which he said that he was sorry, that he didn't want me to feel that he didn't care at all, because he does. He says that he's trying to focus on himself for now (which is good because he kinda let everyone walk all over him and he messed up his schooling and whatnot). I know he's got a lot going on! With his grandmother having dementia (some crazy shit going on there), trying to figure out the school stuff, trying to get enough credits to go to school, work, dan's wedding, the web comic he's trying to put out, the other video game stuff, and now he's part of some play that goes up the end of November. So he's busy. I understand that. I like that he's busy, I like that he's actually doing something with his life!!
But I don't like feeling like EVERYTHING else is more important to him than I am. I am an attention whore. Do I want to be the most important thing? No. I get that a lot of things come before me. And a lot of things in my life come before him.
But it's been over a week now that I've seen him. We do talk at least a little everyday...but every time we plan to hang out, stuff comes up. Almost always on his end, though I think there was one day I had to stay late at work. But still...he's blown me off and not really given me a reason twice. The last time I even hinted we should do something together was Monday. And guess what? we didn't. So I figured that if he wants to hang out with me he'll instigate it. But it's now almost Friday and no dice.
I like to think that I am pretty understanding. I know that I can get irrationally jealous and I freak out pretty easily. But when someone apologizes to me it's over...and yesterday he said that he was sorry, that he didn't want me to think that he was ignoring me...and then we talked a lot about his grandma and how freaked out he was. I'm trying to be supportive. I'm trying to be understanding.
but at the end of the day I'm going to bed alone and a little bit sad. It's frustrating, and not just in a sexual sense. Because everyone knows I get cranky if I don't get laid enough. Well that's definitely not happening. It would be one thing if we hung out all the time and just couldn't find the time/place. But we don't even hang out anymore, not really. In all honesty we've spent less than a day together in the past two, almost three, weeks. Fuck, that doesn't seem right to me!
I don't want to add more stress to his plate, but we can compromise...I mean I don't want to give him an ultamatum (sp?) but I think we need to see each other at least once a week. I don't like limiting myself...so I think I'll start with twice a week and go down to once a week but once a week would definitely have to involve sex. I can't be in a relationship like this because it's borderline long distance. Damn if it were anyone else but fucking Jeremy I would have just ended it...the cons are starting to outweigh the way he makes me feel. Because if 95% of the time I'm not with him anyways, it doesn't fucking matter.
So...I think after the wedding if things haven't settled down a bit we'll need to have a serious discussion about this.
I'm starting to think that this relationship was a mistake. I mean...when I'm with him everything is great. There's conversation, we get along well, the sex is fantastic. But when we're not together...I miss him. I miss him a helluva lot. More than I think I even want to admit.
And...last week after we got back from the hotel I sort of instigated my "let's define our relationship" talk. Well more like...hey I'm falling for you and it scares me so I just wanted to touch base and see if you were feeling at all the same way because it really seems like sometimes you don't care at all. Which is pretty much what I told him... to which he said that he was sorry, that he didn't want me to feel that he didn't care at all, because he does. He says that he's trying to focus on himself for now (which is good because he kinda let everyone walk all over him and he messed up his schooling and whatnot). I know he's got a lot going on! With his grandmother having dementia (some crazy shit going on there), trying to figure out the school stuff, trying to get enough credits to go to school, work, dan's wedding, the web comic he's trying to put out, the other video game stuff, and now he's part of some play that goes up the end of November. So he's busy. I understand that. I like that he's busy, I like that he's actually doing something with his life!!
But I don't like feeling like EVERYTHING else is more important to him than I am. I am an attention whore. Do I want to be the most important thing? No. I get that a lot of things come before me. And a lot of things in my life come before him.
But it's been over a week now that I've seen him. We do talk at least a little everyday...but every time we plan to hang out, stuff comes up. Almost always on his end, though I think there was one day I had to stay late at work. But still...he's blown me off and not really given me a reason twice. The last time I even hinted we should do something together was Monday. And guess what? we didn't. So I figured that if he wants to hang out with me he'll instigate it. But it's now almost Friday and no dice.
I like to think that I am pretty understanding. I know that I can get irrationally jealous and I freak out pretty easily. But when someone apologizes to me it's over...and yesterday he said that he was sorry, that he didn't want me to think that he was ignoring me...and then we talked a lot about his grandma and how freaked out he was. I'm trying to be supportive. I'm trying to be understanding.
but at the end of the day I'm going to bed alone and a little bit sad. It's frustrating, and not just in a sexual sense. Because everyone knows I get cranky if I don't get laid enough. Well that's definitely not happening. It would be one thing if we hung out all the time and just couldn't find the time/place. But we don't even hang out anymore, not really. In all honesty we've spent less than a day together in the past two, almost three, weeks. Fuck, that doesn't seem right to me!
I don't want to add more stress to his plate, but we can compromise...I mean I don't want to give him an ultamatum (sp?) but I think we need to see each other at least once a week. I don't like limiting myself...so I think I'll start with twice a week and go down to once a week but once a week would definitely have to involve sex. I can't be in a relationship like this because it's borderline long distance. Damn if it were anyone else but fucking Jeremy I would have just ended it...the cons are starting to outweigh the way he makes me feel. Because if 95% of the time I'm not with him anyways, it doesn't fucking matter.
So...I think after the wedding if things haven't settled down a bit we'll need to have a serious discussion about this.