(no subject)
here again i find myself convulsing in this tropical hell. i find myself racked by the invasive sobs of homosexual schoolboys everywhere.
the most disgusting and disappointing position i could possibly end up in.
i try talking rationally. try to recall what i'm doing and why. then i cringe to remember that i have no ambition. that i was complacently listening to what everyone said about the future and important status and i let them prod me along moving forward like a docile herd animal.
right into a big reeking barn with the other bovines and poultry. screeching so loud i lose my breath. lose my composure and find myself suffocating again in a state of which i was surely incapable before.
but here i am. affirmation that i am alone does not make me want to conquer the world. to do the dishonest business of diplomats. don't want to live some pathetic life which consists of being a shining american star in some sad secondary country.
i realize i was wasting away. decaying in the imaginary rays of an embrace. letting myself die.
no more kicking, no more screaming in sleep. lulling myself into delusion it hurts too much to break.
my mind is infested. i can't erase you and i'll never get myself back. the only passion left in me is a sharp, dry hatred for this place. it bites at the back of me, sinking jaws into the core of my pathetic chest. chews and spits. splatters me into a pollock on the bathroom mirror. oh but i will get back. and you will never see me again.
the most disgusting and disappointing position i could possibly end up in.
i try talking rationally. try to recall what i'm doing and why. then i cringe to remember that i have no ambition. that i was complacently listening to what everyone said about the future and important status and i let them prod me along moving forward like a docile herd animal.
right into a big reeking barn with the other bovines and poultry. screeching so loud i lose my breath. lose my composure and find myself suffocating again in a state of which i was surely incapable before.
but here i am. affirmation that i am alone does not make me want to conquer the world. to do the dishonest business of diplomats. don't want to live some pathetic life which consists of being a shining american star in some sad secondary country.
i realize i was wasting away. decaying in the imaginary rays of an embrace. letting myself die.
no more kicking, no more screaming in sleep. lulling myself into delusion it hurts too much to break.
my mind is infested. i can't erase you and i'll never get myself back. the only passion left in me is a sharp, dry hatred for this place. it bites at the back of me, sinking jaws into the core of my pathetic chest. chews and spits. splatters me into a pollock on the bathroom mirror. oh but i will get back. and you will never see me again.