Fem!Dean Series - She is Righteous - Supernatural
Title: She is Righteous
Author: Elivira
Category: Supernatural
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 2,967
Pairings: Light Deanna/Cas
Spoilers: Up to Season 6
Summary: The more time Castiel spends with Deanna Winchester. The more he learns what it means to be human. - Because in the end everything he has ever choose to do has been for her.
Author's Note This all started out as a short 150 word drabble but turned into some more during a bus ride to Tokyo. This is a different kind of writing than I normally do but it turned out okay and I like it well enough. I'm also posting this on fanfiction so if you prefer that it's over there as well. I had a lot of fun writing this. As you can probably tell, I put quotes from the show (though a few are made up) at the beginning of most of the sections and built on them.
1
Millennia go an older brother had told Castiel that he was destined to pull the righteous man from hell. He didn't think much on it and wondered if it was possible for human to be righteous. It isn't until he actually meets Deanna Winchester that he understands what humans truly are.
Before spending time on earth, Castiel know only what he has been told about the modern world; much has changed in the thousands of years since the last angel took a mortal vessel.
When Zachariah aproaches him and say that it is time, he leads a battalion against the gates of Hell.
2
"The first seal on Lucifer's cage will break when a righteous man sheds blood in hell. As he breaks so too shall it."
Castiel has waited millennia for this moment and as he stares at the young woman in front of him, torturing a screaming man with drips of acid, hot iron and harsh words, Castiel mourns that he is far too late. He thinks fleetingly that something must've been misunderstood because the righteous man is not a man.
The righteous man (woman) has already been broken and the seal with her (sixty five more seals and Lucifer is free). The woman in front of him looks young. Covered in blood and acid dripping from her bare hands. Her soul screams in pain, so bright in the darkness of hell. It is black and around the edges and Castiel still thinks that it is one of the most beautiful things he's ever seen.
She has spend forty years in hell, thirty the tortured and ten as the torturer, but is still shines brighter than anything else in this wretched place and without further thought he grips the woman's soul and pulls her from hell. (The one who begins it is also the only one who can stop it.)
After four (earth) months in the grave all that is left of her is bone and rotten flesh so Castiel puts her back together piece by piece until he thinks that he will never forget every molecule, atom and thought that makes up Deanna Winchester.
3
"I'm the one who gripped you by the shoulder and raised you from Perdition." - Castiel
The fear in Deanna Winchester's bright green eyes the first time she sees Castiel is not fully unexpected (but it elicits a small sliver of emotion that Castiel cannot yet identify) however the complete lack of faith in his Father, angels, and heaven in general is.
Is this woman truly the righteous man? Castiel knows that he had been too late to stop the seal from being broken, but he begins to think that this woman is shattered beyond repair. How else could she lack so much faith? Castiel finds it perplexing that Deanna Winchester, who had been raised a Hunter and has been hunting the supernatural since before she can remember dismisses the idea of angels, God, and heaven, because she truly believes that she hadn't deserved to be saved.
4
"Why would you fall? Why would you want to be one of us?"
"You don't mean that."
"I don't? A bunch of-of miserable bastards. Eating, crapping, confused, afraid."
"I don't know. There's loyalty... forgiveness... love."
"Pain."
"Chocolate cake."
"Guilt."
"Sex."
"Yeah, you got me there."
"I mean it. Every emotion, Deanna, even the bad ones... it's why I fell. It's why-why I'd give anything not to have to go back. Anything." - Deanna Winchester and Anna Milton
As Castiel watches the Winchester siblings, he is struck by how extremely human they are. He begins to question, begins to think, begins to feel and begins to wonder. Angels are not made for free will and he is lost without the conviction that what he is doing is right.
They find Anna, a fallen sister, a betrayer of the Host, and Castiel wonders how she could ever wish to be human, how she could every forsake heaven.
He observes the Winchester siblings and finally sees, for the first time what makes Deanna Winchester righteous; her need to do right, protect the innocent and save her brother from the darkness engulfing his soul, but most of all her belief that what she is doing is right.
Castiel mourns along with her, the tainted soul of Samuel Winchester; the only one of hell's special children still to walk he earth.
5
"Destiny, God's plan, it's all a bunch of lies, you poor stupid son of a bitch! Just a way for your bosses to keep me and keep you in line! You know what's real? People. Families. That's real. And you're gonna watch 'em all burn?" - Deanna Winchester to Castiel
Castiel truly believes that he is stopping the apocalypse by freeing Sam and by the time he realizes his error it is too late. The final seal breaks and Lucifer is free (Two siblings; the beginning and the end of The End). Castiel is faced with how truly wrong he had been and how absolutely his brothers have lost their way.
6
Michael and Lucifer, Cain and Abel, and now Sam and Deanna Winchester. A pattern repeated over and over for centuries. Castiel remembers that the Prophet Chuck Shurley had once called himself a cruel capricious God and Castiel thinks that the prophet might have been right about about one thing; his Father is cruel.
Castiel know that if something permanent is done about both Micheal and Lucifer, they will only try again in another millennium. Their pawns will have different faces but e same use, because God seems to like this pattern.
Castiel wonders if he can kill his brothers, he thinks of Gabriel, wings burnt black against the ground, his own weapon in his chest, and thinks that yes, yes he can.
7
“When I told Dad I was scared of the thing in my closet, he gave me a .45! I was nine years old! He was supposed to say "Don't be afraid of the dark!" - Sam Winchester
Castiel knows how Deanna Winchester was raised and he wishes it could have been different. Her and her brother’s roles have been planned out since before their parents had even met.
Heaven had pushed Mary Campbell and John Winchester together. (Two ancient bloodlines; one for the Devil and one for Michael.) Their children were destined from the beginning to carry out the End of Days.
Mary was killed by the yellow eyed demon and John swore revenge. With a four year old Deanna and a six month old Sam, John Winchester was introduced to the world of hunters.
His children were soldiers and he was their commander. Castiel thinks that heaven has gone too far.
8
"I mean, angel inside of you, its kind a like being chained to a comet." - Jimmy Novak
Castiel had taken for granted that Jimmy Novak had been a devout man. There had never been any question whether or not Castiel's vessel would allow Castiel to possess him. Michael and Lucifer are not so lucky. Not that Castiel would wish for Sam and Deanna to consent to be, as Deanna so eloquently put it, "Rental tuxes for the apocalypse prom."
9
"Destiny? Don't give me that holy crap. Listen Castiel, even if there is a God, he's either dead, - and that's the generous theory - or he's up and kicking, and doesn't give a rats ass about any of us. I mean look around you man, the world is in the toilet! We are literally at the End of Days here, and he's off somewhere, drinking booze out of a coconut!" - Deanna Winchester
Castiel searches for his missing Father and, even though Deanna thinks that it is a waste of time, he looks in all the corners of the earth and tries sustain the belief that God has not abandoned them (him). Castiel's Grace slowly drains away and all he has done has been for Deanna Winchester. Castiel wouldn't take it back for anything.
(He was created to serve and that is what he's doing.)
Castiel has forsaken heaven for Deanna and would do so again in a heartbeat.
10
"You know why God cast me down? Because I loved him. More than anything. And then God created... you. The little, hairless apes. And then he asked all of us to bow down before you. To love you, more than him! And I said, Father, "I can't," I said, "these human beings, they're flawed, murderous." And for that, God had Michael cast me into hell! Now tell me, does the punishment fit the crime? Especially when I was right. Look what six billion of you have done to this thing. And how many of you blame me for it." - Lucifer
Lucifer always said that it would happen in Detroit.
Castiel knows the moment that Sam says "Yes" (just one word can mean so much). with his last remaining sliver of Grace, he can feel his brother enter his true vessel. Deanna's grief is practically palpable. 'The plan can still work,' he tells himself as Lucifer leaves, taking Sam with him. 'Sam could still being back control.' But he knows it is an empty hope.
11
"Are you stoned?"
"Generally, yes." - Deanna Winchester and Castiel
Deanna had once confided in him about a future that Zachariah had shown her. She told Castiel that he was fallen completely, all of his Grace gone, and that he had been perpetually stoned (he had to ask what 'stoned' meant and she'd smiled a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes).
She told him, with tears in her eyes, but Sam had said "Yes" in Detroit and she didn't know why because she hadn't been there. She hadn't spoken to him in four years (he had always wondered why the siblings had started hunting together again) and the world was overrun with the Croatoan virus. Croatian had been his brother's end game. She had cried for something that Sam hadn't done yet and he had held her.
12
"Hey, ass-butt!" - Castiel
In the end it's Sam who saves them all. Castiel finds it horribly heart-wrenching to see Lucifer's cruel smile on Sam's face as he snaps Bobby's neck and with a snap of his fingers Castiel is gone. The last thing he hears is Deanna scream his name. Castiel thinks that later Deanna will tell him to work on his insults.
13
One moment Castiel knows nothing the next he stands in the field beside Bobby's dead body, right where he had stood before Lucifer had blown him up. Castiel can feel his newly returned grace humming just under his skin and he thinks that only his Father could have brought him back. Without a second thought he cups Deanna's bloody face in his hand and heals her, something he hasn't been able to do in a long time. In the next moment he brings Bobby back and thinks how much more he now understands.
14
"So what's it all come up to? It's hard to say. But me, I'd say this is a test... And I think they did all right. Up against, Good, Evil, angels, Devils, destiny, and God himself, they made their own choice. They chose family. And, well... isn't that kind of the whole point? No doubt - endings are hard. But then again... nothing really ever ends, does it?" - The Prophet Chuck Shurley
Deanna hugs him goodbye and leaves to fulfill her promise to Sam but not without telling him that he if he ever needs help "kicking ass" she'll be there in an instant. He doesn't doubt it but they both know he won't call.
Castiel wants her to be happy and she'll be happy with Lisa, not just happy but safe, he won't pull her back into hunting. Deanna Winchester has kicked destiny in the ass and she deserves a rest.
15
Heaven is in disarray, (angels don't know what to do with freedom) and Raphael thinks that restarting the Apocalypse is God's will. Deanna and Sam have given up so much and Castiel will not let it all be for nothing. He says no.
Castiel frees Sam from hell and thinks of how the Winchesters have changed him.
16
"Those first weeks back in heaven were surprisingly difficult. Explaining freedom to Angels is a bit like teaching poetry to fish.
"What does God want?"
"God wants you to have freedom."
"What does he want us to do with it?"
If I knew then what I know now I might've said, “It’s simple. Freedom is a length of rope. God wants you to hang yourself with it." - Castiel
There is a civil war in heaven; his allies against Raphael's and the first thing he thinks to do is contact Deanna. So he hides himself from sight and appears in her yard. She is there looking happier than he's ever seen her and suddenly the King of Hell (who should be dead) is there offering him an alternative.
Deanna has a life here with Lisa; a home, a son, and a girlfriend. Who is he to pull her back into a world with the monsters in the closet are real.
He turns to Crowley (an angel and demon) because he truly believes that it will keep her, Deanna Winchester, safe.
17
Seven months later Deanna Winchester is hunting again and Castiel has no other choice but to betray her. Raphael must be stopped and Castiel needs the power that purgatory will give him.
18
"Look, Deanna, he's our friend too okay? And I would die for him, I would. But. I'm praying we're wrong here." - Sam Winchester
Castiel watches as Deanna tries so hard to have faith in him (to believe that he hasn't betrayed her). They don't see him but he's there watching them struggle to believe that he is looking for Crowley. Heaven fights amongst itself and Castiel is torn between his friendship with the Winchesters and his need to do what he believes is right.
When they find out he is working with Crowley (even if he knows that deep down they already knew) he finds it hard to meet her eyes. She had tried so hard to believe in him and he had (he knows the moment he vows to open the gates of Purgatory) betrayed her and everything she believes in. He stares at the flames of the ring of holy fire, trapping him in place and wondered how far he has allowed himself to fall.
19
Castiel doesn't like demons; in fact if someone had told him two years ago that he would be making deals with them in the future he would've smote them on principle. Demons are lying, double-crossing, disgusting, abominations (though the demons would say the same about angels) and he should have made it clear that toying with Deanna's family counted as hurting her.
Demons have always been good at finding loopholes.
Lisa and Ben are innocent and there was once a time when Castiel wouldn't have cared but he has changed, the Winchesters have changed him.
Castiel hadn't known that Crowley planned to hold Ben and Lisa as leverage. Demons truly are despicable.
Castiel is surprised when Deanna asks him to erase Ben and Lisa's memories of her but he can understand her need to keep them safe. If she still trusts him that much then maybe, (after all this is over) she will forgive him.
20
"You know, I've been here for very long time. And I remember many things. I remember being at shoreline. Watching a little great fish heave itself up on the beach, and an older brother saying, "Don't step on that fish, Castiel. Big plans for that fish." I remember the Tower of Babel, all 37 feet of it, which I suppose was impressive at the time. And when it fell, they howled divine wrath. But come on, dry dung can only be stacked so high. I remember Cain and Abel...David and Goliath...Sodom and Gomorrah. And of course, I remember the most remarkable event - remarkable because it never came to pass. It was averted by two siblings, an old drunk, and a fallen angel. The grand story. And we ripped up the ending, and the rules, and destiny, leaving nothing but freedom and choice. Which is all well and good, except... Well, what if I've made the wrong choice?" - Castiel
Castiel has been around for millennium but he has never truly cared for anything the way he does for Deanna and Samuel Winchester. As he prays to his Father (not that he thinks He'll answer) he thinks how they changed him; what they have taught him.
Angels are made to be soldiers, and to be anything else goes against everything they've ever been taught. The Winchesters showed free will, (something he never wanted until he got it) and once he had that, what to do with it.
Castiel sits on a bench in a garden and prays, really prays, that he is doing the right thing (he owes Deanna Winchester at least that much). He prays for guidance from a Father who he knows has long since left him. He gives his reasons and prays that they are enough.
Castiel will open the gates of purgatory with the King of Hell because he wants nothing more than for Deanna Winchester to be safe (with heaven at war she will always be in danger). He truly believes that this will help to accomplish that.
"I'm asking you father; one last time. Am I doing the right thing? Am I on the right path? You have to tell me; you have to give me a sign. Because if you don't I'm going to cho- I'm going to do whatever I... whatever I must."
Author: Elivira
Category: Supernatural
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 2,967
Pairings: Light Deanna/Cas
Spoilers: Up to Season 6
Summary: The more time Castiel spends with Deanna Winchester. The more he learns what it means to be human. - Because in the end everything he has ever choose to do has been for her.
Author's Note This all started out as a short 150 word drabble but turned into some more during a bus ride to Tokyo. This is a different kind of writing than I normally do but it turned out okay and I like it well enough. I'm also posting this on fanfiction so if you prefer that it's over there as well. I had a lot of fun writing this. As you can probably tell, I put quotes from the show (though a few are made up) at the beginning of most of the sections and built on them.
1
Millennia go an older brother had told Castiel that he was destined to pull the righteous man from hell. He didn't think much on it and wondered if it was possible for human to be righteous. It isn't until he actually meets Deanna Winchester that he understands what humans truly are.
Before spending time on earth, Castiel know only what he has been told about the modern world; much has changed in the thousands of years since the last angel took a mortal vessel.
When Zachariah aproaches him and say that it is time, he leads a battalion against the gates of Hell.
2
"The first seal on Lucifer's cage will break when a righteous man sheds blood in hell. As he breaks so too shall it."
Castiel has waited millennia for this moment and as he stares at the young woman in front of him, torturing a screaming man with drips of acid, hot iron and harsh words, Castiel mourns that he is far too late. He thinks fleetingly that something must've been misunderstood because the righteous man is not a man.
The righteous man (woman) has already been broken and the seal with her (sixty five more seals and Lucifer is free). The woman in front of him looks young. Covered in blood and acid dripping from her bare hands. Her soul screams in pain, so bright in the darkness of hell. It is black and around the edges and Castiel still thinks that it is one of the most beautiful things he's ever seen.
She has spend forty years in hell, thirty the tortured and ten as the torturer, but is still shines brighter than anything else in this wretched place and without further thought he grips the woman's soul and pulls her from hell. (The one who begins it is also the only one who can stop it.)
After four (earth) months in the grave all that is left of her is bone and rotten flesh so Castiel puts her back together piece by piece until he thinks that he will never forget every molecule, atom and thought that makes up Deanna Winchester.
3
"I'm the one who gripped you by the shoulder and raised you from Perdition." - Castiel
The fear in Deanna Winchester's bright green eyes the first time she sees Castiel is not fully unexpected (but it elicits a small sliver of emotion that Castiel cannot yet identify) however the complete lack of faith in his Father, angels, and heaven in general is.
Is this woman truly the righteous man? Castiel knows that he had been too late to stop the seal from being broken, but he begins to think that this woman is shattered beyond repair. How else could she lack so much faith? Castiel finds it perplexing that Deanna Winchester, who had been raised a Hunter and has been hunting the supernatural since before she can remember dismisses the idea of angels, God, and heaven, because she truly believes that she hadn't deserved to be saved.
4
"Why would you fall? Why would you want to be one of us?"
"You don't mean that."
"I don't? A bunch of-of miserable bastards. Eating, crapping, confused, afraid."
"I don't know. There's loyalty... forgiveness... love."
"Pain."
"Chocolate cake."
"Guilt."
"Sex."
"Yeah, you got me there."
"I mean it. Every emotion, Deanna, even the bad ones... it's why I fell. It's why-why I'd give anything not to have to go back. Anything." - Deanna Winchester and Anna Milton
As Castiel watches the Winchester siblings, he is struck by how extremely human they are. He begins to question, begins to think, begins to feel and begins to wonder. Angels are not made for free will and he is lost without the conviction that what he is doing is right.
They find Anna, a fallen sister, a betrayer of the Host, and Castiel wonders how she could ever wish to be human, how she could every forsake heaven.
He observes the Winchester siblings and finally sees, for the first time what makes Deanna Winchester righteous; her need to do right, protect the innocent and save her brother from the darkness engulfing his soul, but most of all her belief that what she is doing is right.
Castiel mourns along with her, the tainted soul of Samuel Winchester; the only one of hell's special children still to walk he earth.
5
"Destiny, God's plan, it's all a bunch of lies, you poor stupid son of a bitch! Just a way for your bosses to keep me and keep you in line! You know what's real? People. Families. That's real. And you're gonna watch 'em all burn?" - Deanna Winchester to Castiel
Castiel truly believes that he is stopping the apocalypse by freeing Sam and by the time he realizes his error it is too late. The final seal breaks and Lucifer is free (Two siblings; the beginning and the end of The End). Castiel is faced with how truly wrong he had been and how absolutely his brothers have lost their way.
6
Michael and Lucifer, Cain and Abel, and now Sam and Deanna Winchester. A pattern repeated over and over for centuries. Castiel remembers that the Prophet Chuck Shurley had once called himself a cruel capricious God and Castiel thinks that the prophet might have been right about about one thing; his Father is cruel.
Castiel know that if something permanent is done about both Micheal and Lucifer, they will only try again in another millennium. Their pawns will have different faces but e same use, because God seems to like this pattern.
Castiel wonders if he can kill his brothers, he thinks of Gabriel, wings burnt black against the ground, his own weapon in his chest, and thinks that yes, yes he can.
7
“When I told Dad I was scared of the thing in my closet, he gave me a .45! I was nine years old! He was supposed to say "Don't be afraid of the dark!" - Sam Winchester
Castiel knows how Deanna Winchester was raised and he wishes it could have been different. Her and her brother’s roles have been planned out since before their parents had even met.
Heaven had pushed Mary Campbell and John Winchester together. (Two ancient bloodlines; one for the Devil and one for Michael.) Their children were destined from the beginning to carry out the End of Days.
Mary was killed by the yellow eyed demon and John swore revenge. With a four year old Deanna and a six month old Sam, John Winchester was introduced to the world of hunters.
His children were soldiers and he was their commander. Castiel thinks that heaven has gone too far.
8
"I mean, angel inside of you, its kind a like being chained to a comet." - Jimmy Novak
Castiel had taken for granted that Jimmy Novak had been a devout man. There had never been any question whether or not Castiel's vessel would allow Castiel to possess him. Michael and Lucifer are not so lucky. Not that Castiel would wish for Sam and Deanna to consent to be, as Deanna so eloquently put it, "Rental tuxes for the apocalypse prom."
9
"Destiny? Don't give me that holy crap. Listen Castiel, even if there is a God, he's either dead, - and that's the generous theory - or he's up and kicking, and doesn't give a rats ass about any of us. I mean look around you man, the world is in the toilet! We are literally at the End of Days here, and he's off somewhere, drinking booze out of a coconut!" - Deanna Winchester
Castiel searches for his missing Father and, even though Deanna thinks that it is a waste of time, he looks in all the corners of the earth and tries sustain the belief that God has not abandoned them (him). Castiel's Grace slowly drains away and all he has done has been for Deanna Winchester. Castiel wouldn't take it back for anything.
(He was created to serve and that is what he's doing.)
Castiel has forsaken heaven for Deanna and would do so again in a heartbeat.
10
"You know why God cast me down? Because I loved him. More than anything. And then God created... you. The little, hairless apes. And then he asked all of us to bow down before you. To love you, more than him! And I said, Father, "I can't," I said, "these human beings, they're flawed, murderous." And for that, God had Michael cast me into hell! Now tell me, does the punishment fit the crime? Especially when I was right. Look what six billion of you have done to this thing. And how many of you blame me for it." - Lucifer
Lucifer always said that it would happen in Detroit.
Castiel knows the moment that Sam says "Yes" (just one word can mean so much). with his last remaining sliver of Grace, he can feel his brother enter his true vessel. Deanna's grief is practically palpable. 'The plan can still work,' he tells himself as Lucifer leaves, taking Sam with him. 'Sam could still being back control.' But he knows it is an empty hope.
11
"Are you stoned?"
"Generally, yes." - Deanna Winchester and Castiel
Deanna had once confided in him about a future that Zachariah had shown her. She told Castiel that he was fallen completely, all of his Grace gone, and that he had been perpetually stoned (he had to ask what 'stoned' meant and she'd smiled a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes).
She told him, with tears in her eyes, but Sam had said "Yes" in Detroit and she didn't know why because she hadn't been there. She hadn't spoken to him in four years (he had always wondered why the siblings had started hunting together again) and the world was overrun with the Croatoan virus. Croatian had been his brother's end game. She had cried for something that Sam hadn't done yet and he had held her.
12
"Hey, ass-butt!" - Castiel
In the end it's Sam who saves them all. Castiel finds it horribly heart-wrenching to see Lucifer's cruel smile on Sam's face as he snaps Bobby's neck and with a snap of his fingers Castiel is gone. The last thing he hears is Deanna scream his name. Castiel thinks that later Deanna will tell him to work on his insults.
13
One moment Castiel knows nothing the next he stands in the field beside Bobby's dead body, right where he had stood before Lucifer had blown him up. Castiel can feel his newly returned grace humming just under his skin and he thinks that only his Father could have brought him back. Without a second thought he cups Deanna's bloody face in his hand and heals her, something he hasn't been able to do in a long time. In the next moment he brings Bobby back and thinks how much more he now understands.
14
"So what's it all come up to? It's hard to say. But me, I'd say this is a test... And I think they did all right. Up against, Good, Evil, angels, Devils, destiny, and God himself, they made their own choice. They chose family. And, well... isn't that kind of the whole point? No doubt - endings are hard. But then again... nothing really ever ends, does it?" - The Prophet Chuck Shurley
Deanna hugs him goodbye and leaves to fulfill her promise to Sam but not without telling him that he if he ever needs help "kicking ass" she'll be there in an instant. He doesn't doubt it but they both know he won't call.
Castiel wants her to be happy and she'll be happy with Lisa, not just happy but safe, he won't pull her back into hunting. Deanna Winchester has kicked destiny in the ass and she deserves a rest.
15
Heaven is in disarray, (angels don't know what to do with freedom) and Raphael thinks that restarting the Apocalypse is God's will. Deanna and Sam have given up so much and Castiel will not let it all be for nothing. He says no.
Castiel frees Sam from hell and thinks of how the Winchesters have changed him.
16
"Those first weeks back in heaven were surprisingly difficult. Explaining freedom to Angels is a bit like teaching poetry to fish.
"What does God want?"
"God wants you to have freedom."
"What does he want us to do with it?"
If I knew then what I know now I might've said, “It’s simple. Freedom is a length of rope. God wants you to hang yourself with it." - Castiel
There is a civil war in heaven; his allies against Raphael's and the first thing he thinks to do is contact Deanna. So he hides himself from sight and appears in her yard. She is there looking happier than he's ever seen her and suddenly the King of Hell (who should be dead) is there offering him an alternative.
Deanna has a life here with Lisa; a home, a son, and a girlfriend. Who is he to pull her back into a world with the monsters in the closet are real.
He turns to Crowley (an angel and demon) because he truly believes that it will keep her, Deanna Winchester, safe.
17
Seven months later Deanna Winchester is hunting again and Castiel has no other choice but to betray her. Raphael must be stopped and Castiel needs the power that purgatory will give him.
18
"Look, Deanna, he's our friend too okay? And I would die for him, I would. But. I'm praying we're wrong here." - Sam Winchester
Castiel watches as Deanna tries so hard to have faith in him (to believe that he hasn't betrayed her). They don't see him but he's there watching them struggle to believe that he is looking for Crowley. Heaven fights amongst itself and Castiel is torn between his friendship with the Winchesters and his need to do what he believes is right.
When they find out he is working with Crowley (even if he knows that deep down they already knew) he finds it hard to meet her eyes. She had tried so hard to believe in him and he had (he knows the moment he vows to open the gates of Purgatory) betrayed her and everything she believes in. He stares at the flames of the ring of holy fire, trapping him in place and wondered how far he has allowed himself to fall.
19
Castiel doesn't like demons; in fact if someone had told him two years ago that he would be making deals with them in the future he would've smote them on principle. Demons are lying, double-crossing, disgusting, abominations (though the demons would say the same about angels) and he should have made it clear that toying with Deanna's family counted as hurting her.
Demons have always been good at finding loopholes.
Lisa and Ben are innocent and there was once a time when Castiel wouldn't have cared but he has changed, the Winchesters have changed him.
Castiel hadn't known that Crowley planned to hold Ben and Lisa as leverage. Demons truly are despicable.
Castiel is surprised when Deanna asks him to erase Ben and Lisa's memories of her but he can understand her need to keep them safe. If she still trusts him that much then maybe, (after all this is over) she will forgive him.
20
"You know, I've been here for very long time. And I remember many things. I remember being at shoreline. Watching a little great fish heave itself up on the beach, and an older brother saying, "Don't step on that fish, Castiel. Big plans for that fish." I remember the Tower of Babel, all 37 feet of it, which I suppose was impressive at the time. And when it fell, they howled divine wrath. But come on, dry dung can only be stacked so high. I remember Cain and Abel...David and Goliath...Sodom and Gomorrah. And of course, I remember the most remarkable event - remarkable because it never came to pass. It was averted by two siblings, an old drunk, and a fallen angel. The grand story. And we ripped up the ending, and the rules, and destiny, leaving nothing but freedom and choice. Which is all well and good, except... Well, what if I've made the wrong choice?" - Castiel
Castiel has been around for millennium but he has never truly cared for anything the way he does for Deanna and Samuel Winchester. As he prays to his Father (not that he thinks He'll answer) he thinks how they changed him; what they have taught him.
Angels are made to be soldiers, and to be anything else goes against everything they've ever been taught. The Winchesters showed free will, (something he never wanted until he got it) and once he had that, what to do with it.
Castiel sits on a bench in a garden and prays, really prays, that he is doing the right thing (he owes Deanna Winchester at least that much). He prays for guidance from a Father who he knows has long since left him. He gives his reasons and prays that they are enough.
Castiel will open the gates of purgatory with the King of Hell because he wants nothing more than for Deanna Winchester to be safe (with heaven at war she will always be in danger). He truly believes that this will help to accomplish that.
"I'm asking you father; one last time. Am I doing the right thing? Am I on the right path? You have to tell me; you have to give me a sign. Because if you don't I'm going to cho- I'm going to do whatever I... whatever I must."