What Once Was
Title: What Once Was
Part: 1/2
Pairing: Jack/Sun (Jack/Kate, Jin/Sun)
Rating: PG
Spoilers: 1.20 "Do No Harm" through 1.22 "Born to Run"
Disclaimer: Not Mine!
Dedication: For isis2015's birthday! A little bit of Sun to brighten your day, though this story is actually a little on the depressing side. Woops...
Sun has been trying to sleep for hours, but something will not let her rest. Camp is quiet and she is alone, lying silently in the dark and listening to everyone else sleep. It reminds her of the first few days on this island when the feeling of panic and confusion hung tensely in the air and she lay awake all night, listening for the sound of an airplane, a boat, anything. Jin slept soundly beside her then and in the morning when he would wake, she would lie again to protect him from worry, telling him she slept perfectly well and that she felt fine, despite how tired her eyes looked.
He doesn't sleep beside her now and her makeshift bed feels at once too big and too small. She doesn't know where he is. Probably at the beach. He has taken up residence near the raft, keeping watch over it as if it were his responsibility alone to keep it from being destroyed again. He wants to leave this place; she feels that in reality he just wants to leave her. She had betrayed him but in truth he had betrayed her long before, forgetting who he was and who she was and who they were meant to be together.
Frustrated and not wanting to pretend any more, Sun sits up and pushes off the thin blanket from her legs. Hurley is snoring and the leaves are rustling quietly, whispering things she wishes she could understand. The white plastic of the medical tent is still hanging there by the entrance to the caves, like an overpowering monument for the dead. The loose flaps flutter, ghosts in the darkness, and she finds herself moving toward it. No one is sleeping nearby; everyone has moved as far away from it as possible. Boone lies there inside, quiet, still…dead…She forces herself to think the word because it is reality. The thought of him lying there all alone makes her want to cry.
Except he's not alone.
Jack is sitting on the ground next to the haphazard operating table where they had placed Boone's body for the night, out of sight. His head is in his hands and his shoulders are shaking; he's crying but he's not making a sound.
“Jack?” Sun says softly, not wanting to startle him. “Are you all right?” Jack looks up at her, startled, his eyes shining brightly with tears in the dim light, and quickly looks away. He wipes his face, clearing his throat.
“I'm fine. I just...I wanted to clean up before the morning...before Shannon...” He stands up quickly and grabs the wet rag he had already been using and sets back to work on cleaning the dried blood off of Boone's battered face. He acts like maybe he can fool Sun into thinking she hadn't just witnessed him breaking down, but they both know it's a pointless ruse. Sun steps into the tent, her footsteps soft on the hard ground, and stops beside Jack.
Neither of them says anything as she places her hand over his and gently pries the blood-soaked cloth from his worn fingers; the silence stays there between them when she wraps her arm around his shoulder. It hurts her to see him like this; Jack has been everyone's rock for so long, helping everybody to just get through another day in this place.
“Jack, it is okay...” Sun whispers to him, rubbing her small hand over his right shoulder, resting her head on his left. She soothes him like she might a small child, trying to show him that it's okay for him to cry. “You did everything that you could.”
“I promised him,” Jack mumbles, his face still turned away from her. Sun hangs on when he tries to pull away, knowing enough to not let him shut her out.
“What did you promise?”
“I promised I'd fix him, that I'd save him. I said I'd-”
“Jack, you tried,” Sun states, surprised by how strong her voice sounds. She glances toward the tent's entrance, hoping she didn't wake anyone up. She grips both of Jack's shoulders now and turns him to her, he too weak to resist her and she too determined to let him try. “Please. Look at me, Jack.” When he doesn't meet her gaze she reaches out and places her hand under his chin, tilting his face upward. His cheeks are tear-stained and he sniffles and blinks, still trying to hide the evidence. But he does look at her, after a moment, and she stares intently into his reddened eyes, the pain that he is feeling written plainly there.
“Sun, I...”
“I am sorry that I spoke to you harshly earlier. About Boone's leg.” She doesn't need to apologize because she knows she was right, and Jack knows it. Jack had been ignoring the obvious truth that Boone was too far gone and he did need to hear it. But she is not the one who made the promise and she is not the one who bears the responsibility of saving lives on this island. She can't begin to imagine how he must feel, and for not recognizing that in that moment...for that, she is sorry.
“Don't apologize. You were right, I just...I couldn't let him go. I couldn't...I...I'm sorry.”
“You should try and sleep, Jack. You are too tired,” Sun looks up at him and rubs her thumb over his stubble-roughened cheek. She knows he will not listen to her but she has to try.
“I need to...” He gestures towards Boone's body. “I don't want Shannon to see him like this.” He pulls away from Sun's loose embrace and picks up the rag again, dipping it into the pink-tinged bucket of water that is sitting by his feet. Sun studies him for a moment. He is stubborn, like Jin, but he seems to listen if she presses hard enough. This is a time when he needs her to be the voice of reason much like she was earlier, but she can't bring herself to stand up again and make him stop. Deep down she knows he needs this, needs to do this in order to say good-bye and let go. So instead of insisting that he go to bed, she picks up another strip of cloth and steps toward him.
“May I help?”
Jack looks at her and she looks back; everything is still for a moment. And then he moves, giving her room to move close to the table. Sun takes the silent invitation and dampens the material and sets to work on Boone's neck, wiping the grime and blood from his skin.
“Thanks, Sun.” Jack says, almost too low to hear, but Sun can feel the gratitude deep in his voice. For the first time in a long while, she remembers what it feels like to be appreciated. As she murmurs you're welcome, a small smile plays at the corner of her delicate lips and she lets her hand brush over his for a fleeting moment, trying to tell him thank you as well.
*******
“Where is Jack?” Kate asks, her voice urgent but respectfully quiet as she shoots a look across the caves to where Shannon in kneeling beside her brother's body. Sun turns to her and sighs, shaking her head.
“I do not know. After he brought Shannon here...he left. I think...I think he needed to be alone,” Sun tells Kate slowly, choosing her words carefully, not sure exactly how to say it.
“He should probably be resting, don't you think?” It's not really a question or a suggestion but a statement, full of worry. Sun nods, knowing that Kate's worry is well-placed. Her feelings for Jack, though Sun knows Kate thinks she keeps them well-hidden, are obvious. She cares for him deeply, but somehow Sun senses that Kate doesn't understand him. They're different in some fundamental way that keeps Kate from seeing what Jack needs from her and neither of them knows what to do with the strong connection they feel to one another.
“He was heading toward the beach.” Sun offers her the only piece of information she has, though it’s too vague to be of any real use. “Perhaps he is there.”
“Okay. Thanks,” Kate spins on her heel and runs from the caves, her long hair bouncing against her back as she hurries away. Sun moves to go back to Shannon but is stopped by Sayid walking through the trees. He approaches her quietly, his eyes on Shannon the entire time.
“How is she?” He inquires softly, only glancing away from Shannon once to acknowledge that he's speaking to her.
“She does not want to talk,” Sun says, stooping to gather her things, knowing Sayid will want to be alone with Shannon. “But perhaps, maybe, she will talk to you?”
“Perhaps,” Sayid nods and Sun tilts her head in understanding, excusing herself from his company and heading out into the jungle. Everyone has left and gone to the beach now, no one wanting to remain there with Boone's body and his brokenhearted sister. She had stayed because someone had to and only she seemed to realize it. Shannon needed her space but she did not need to be alone.
When she reaches the beach, everything seems brighter than usual after such a long time in the caves, the sun reflecting off the water and making her eyes narrow into a squint. People are still gathered around Claire, cooing over her new baby, and Sun's first instinct is to go over and join them. But just past the place where Claire is sitting, Michael and Jin are working on the raft, gesturing to one another wildly and sniping at each other with words neither understands. He must feel her watching because he stops and he turns to look at her, his dark eyes locking with hers across the vast expanse of sand.
And then he turns away pointedly and the space between them grows.
Jack's words echo in her head, telling her she needs to accept that Jin is leaving and that she should say good-bye. She hadn't realized it then, but perhaps he was her voice of reason just as much as she is his. She'd had the chance to say good-bye to Jin before but she hadn't had the courage, only the faint hope, as frail as the flower he held up for her, that things could change between them. Now he is the one who is leaving her, angry and resentful.
It hardly seems fair that he is the one who gets to be angry, that he is the one who gets to leave. Maybe he realizes how she felt, how she feels now, but maybe he has no clue. Did he understand that she was going to leave him? Does he know that she learned English so she could get away? Is he angry with her because she became friends with Michael and because she lied to him, or does he fully grasp the entire situation and is hurt because of what she had been planning? She would ask him but it wouldn't matter. They no longer speak the same language.
Charlie passes by and suddenly Sun is gripped by the urge to speak with Jack, just for the sake of having someone to talk to who seems to get where she's coming from.
“Charlie?”
“Yeah Sun?” He stops and twists toward her in the sand, clutching the stack of cloth he has in his hands close to his chest.
“Have you seen Jack?”
“I don't know. I haven't seen him since...y'know, Shannon came back. Kate was looking for him earlier - you might want to check with her.”
Sun nods, not bothering to tell Charlie that she was the one who had sent Kate to the beach in the first place. But Kate's not here, so wherever Jack has gone, she must still be looking for him. She walks down to the water's edge and takes off her shoes, letting the cold water wash over her toes. The waves roll in gently and the water is calm, but Sun knows at some point today it won't be so. Not a day passes now without a storm.
“Jack!” Hurley's voice startles Sun just as she starts to lose herself in her own thoughts and she turns to see Jack and Kate walking out of the jungle. Kate trudges along next to him but it is clear that they are not with one another, Jack walking back toward camp like he doesn't even know she's there.
Not bothering to put her shoes back on, the dry sand clings to her feet and small rocks on the beach dig into her skin as she heads to Jack. Now that he's here, things will have to happen. The grave will be dug and Boone will be buried; this will be over, even if it won't really end.
“Jack, do you need me to help you?” She falls into step alongside Kate and Jack shakes his head no, though he does pause and take a deep breath, contemplating whether or not that answer is true.
“Can you...” He hesitates, trying to figure out what it is he wants her to do. “Can you ask Hurley to get together some guys and start...” He gestures toward the graveyard where the lone grave marker for Scott rises from the ground. Jack looks to Kate then. “And can you ask Michael to meet me in the caves? To help carry Boone?”
“Yeah. Of course.” Kate seems happy to have been given a task and happier than Jack is back to assign them. She heads off toward the raft and Sun eyes Jack; his face is pale and haggard and his eyes are dark, bags underneath them that make him look so tired that it's amazing he is still standing upright.
“Jack...why don't you let someone else do this, have Michael and Sawyer go back to the caves. You need to sit down and eat something.”
“I'm not hungry.”
“It does not matter. You need to eat.”
“I don't...” Jack starts to protest, waving her off angrily, but seems to think better of being short with her. He promptly changes course. “Have you seen Locke?”
“John?”
“Yeah.”
“No...I have not. Why?”
“If you see him, let me know. I need to talk to him.” Jack doesn't explain why and Sun knows it's useless to ask. There's nothing but tension and stress in Jack's voice and one push too far and it's obvious he's going to break. If they can all just get Jack through today, maybe everything will be fine.
She lets him walk away and instead scans the beach for Hurley, not stopping to wonder why she's far more concerned about Jack than she is about Shannon.
TBC
Part Two