A Certain Smile - Part 7/7
A Certain Smile - Part 7/7
Jensen doesn’t ring the bell when he gets to Jared’s house. The windows are dark and Jared’s car isn’t in the driveway.
He sits down on the front stoop and loosens his bowtie, then undoes it completely seconds later. The cement steps are ice cold and unforgiving underneath him and the air is turning chilly. The moonlight competes with the streetlights, cool white-blue against warm yellow-orange. Neither reaches where he sits.
He’s exhausted and fighting to keep his eyes open and the next thing he knows he’s being shaken awake.
“Jensen.” Jared’s voice is soft and concerned. Stirring from his uncomfortable sleep, Jensen forgets for a moment where he is and that Jared’s not his to touch. Before his eyes blink fully open he’s already reaching for Jared’s face instinctively.
Jared doesn’t pull back. He stays bent down in front of him, those delicately slanted hazel eyes wide and beautiful in the darkness, his bottom lip trembling slightly.
“Jen, what are you doing here?” It’s not accusatory or angry, but Jared sounds tired, so very tired.
“Waitin’ for you,” Jensen mumbles weakly. His tongue is heavy in his dry mouth. He swallows hard and sits up completely, wincing a little as his sore back muscles shift. Jared gently covers Jensen’s hand with his and pulls his touch away, putting Jensen’s hand back in his own lap.
“It’s three in the morning, Jensen.”
“’know. Where you been? Danneel?”
Jared’s face twists in puzzlement.
“What? Why would I…?” Jensen regrets saying her name as it’s perfectly clear that their dance meant absolutely nothing. He already knew that.
“Nevermind. I just thought maybe…”
“You thought wrong. Christ, Jensen…she wanted to talk about you being there with Katie.” Jared replies tersely but then his shoulders slump. “What do you think…” He sighs. “I don’t want to fight.”
“Neither do I.” Jared doesn’t appear to believe him and Jensen lets the silence rest between them for a long moment. He doesn’t want to speak; he’s incapable of saying anything that won’t ruin things even more.
Jared starts to pull back and Jensen quickly pushes upward, presses his lips to Jared’s softly. The kiss is short and sweet and barely there. Jared doesn’t kiss him back. It still feels like everything.
“I miss you.”
Jared shivers, closes his eyes against Jensen’s whisper.
Jared takes a deep breath and then his strong hands find both of Jensen’s arms. His fingers grip Jensen’s biceps firmly. He moves Jensen away in one calm controlled movement. It makes Jensen feel like a child being reminded of his place.
“No. Don’t.”
“I’m sorry, Jared. God, I’m sorry.”
Jared stands and backs up and Jensen bites his lip to keep the tears from welling. The distance is only a few feet, but Jared may as well have walked away completely for all that it means.
“It wasn’t about the stupid play. I hope you know that.” Jensen says quietly. Jared puts his hands on his hips and looks down the street, teeth worrying his lip. He sniffles once and nods his head.
“Yeah. I know that.” Jensen can tell it takes a great deal of effort on Jared’s part to turn back and face him. “I don’t see how it changes anything.”
“Chris knows. Katie too. About us.” Jared doesn’t look surprised. “It all…became too real all of a sudden. And you…you terrify me. I was terrified. Still am.”
Jared laughs lightly, dismayed.
“Jensen, you don’t think I’m scared too? We’re both scared.”
“It’s different.”
“How is it different?” Jared’s voice cracks in disbelief.
“You…everything works out for you. You decide to do something, you do it. You want it, it’s yours. You need it, you figure out a way to get it. You’re good at everything you do and everyone who meets you loves you. Me? I’m not like that.”
“You’re exactly like that. It’s only that you’re quieter about it.” Jared retorts with a shake of his head. “It’s only that you never cared what anyone else thought of you before. And now you do.”
“Yes. No. I don’t know.” Jensen sighs in frustration and runs a hand through his hair. “All I know is that I’m living by someone else’s rules. I used have a corner of the world that was mine and if I’m not there anymore, where am I?”
“You’re with me.” Jared responds. “You’d be with me.” Jared stares at him like the answer is obvious and Jensen is an idiot for not understanding how simple this all really is. “I don’t know why you assume this is so easy for me, Jensen. It’s just as hard for me as it is for you. Just as hard.”
Jensen looks up at Jared, seeing the anger flaring up within him and singeing the already tattered remnants of his compassion. He doesn’t know what to say to tamp it down.
Jared walks a few steps down the driveway and then turns back. He sets his mouth into a determined line.
“I’m moving to New York. Next week, after graduation.”
“You’re what?”
“Misha and I. We already have a place lined up and everything.” Jared pauses, waiting for Jensen’s reaction, but Jensen can’t find his voice. It’s too much to process - New York. Misha. Next week.
“Misha?” He finally settles on one thing among many.
“We spent a lot of time together on the play and he wants to give New York a shot.” Jensen scours Jared’s tone for some sense of what Misha means, what he’s missed while he and Jared have been apart. A brief painful image of Jared and Misha flashes through his brain - kissing, touching, together in the way he and Jared are supposed to be. He doesn’t want to consider it. “We’re gonna pack up the Impala and go. I’ll sell the car for rent money once we get there.”
“You’re selling your car.”
“I won’t need it in the city.”
Jensen looks at the cherry red Impala sitting in the driveway and feels a stab of pain shoot through his chest. In a very short time, that car had become a part of his and Jared’s history and Jared’s going to sell it off like it’s nothing.
“What happened to school? To becoming an engineer?”
“Things change.”
“Yeah, I’d say so. You’re with Misha now and you’re moving to New York.” Jensen mutters more to himself than Jared.
“I am not with Misha,” Jared snaps. “He’s not like that. We’re friends.” He sighs in frustration. “No one is looking to come between us, not Misha, certainly not Danneel, not even Gen. I’d say you’re doing a pretty damn good job of that yourself.”
Jensen sinks into himself, ashamed. Jared shifts on his feet, sticking his hands in his pockets. He exhales slowly and regains a semblance of patience, trying to erase the harshness of the moment before.
“I’ve planned on moving to New York for a long time, Jensen. I think since the first time you mentioned that’s where you were going.”
Jensen’s head snaps up and Jared is staring at him meaningfully.
“You changed me. Not anyone else.”
They hold one another’s gaze for a long time. Jensen can’t bring himself to look away. He doesn’t want Jared to stop looking at him like that - like he’s forgiven, like he’s loved, like he’s his.
“Jay?” Jensen gets up and moves toward Jared slowly, not wanting to scare him off.
“Yeah?”
Jensen reaches down and takes the car keys from inside Jared’s pocket.
He doesn’t say anything more. He poses his question by going to the Impala and getting in.
Jared’s answer is the roar of the car engine in the dead of night.
*******
It’s not how he pictured their first time would be.
He’d figured on a cramped back seat or a twin sized bed that they’d both outgrown. He’d counted on being half in the moment and half listening for the sound of footsteps in the hall. Every happy imagining laced with an undercurrent of terror, constantly afraid of being discovered.
Jared falls backward as Jensen climbs on top of him, the springs of the large mattress squeaking. Jensen is pulling at the tails of his dress shirt, fingers pushing on the delicate buttons and tugging loose his black bowtie.
Even once he’s free of the button-down and the suit jacket, lying against the cool blankets in only his undershirt, he still feels overheated. He breaks away from Jensen’s kiss and strips his own shirt off, then pulls Jensen’s off too before their lips press back together.
The room is dark but his eyes are adjusting slowly, making out the details of the wood paneled walls and banal decorations. He contemplates reaching over and blindly trying to turn on one of the large lamps on the bedside table so he can see Jensen and everything that they’re doing, but he keeps getting distracted.
“Get these off, get ‘em off,” Jensen pleads with barely contained desperation, scrambling at the waistband of Jared’s pants. He doesn’t seem ashamed or worried as he tears at the fabric and groans, sliding his hands underneath and squeezing before Jared’s even managed to get his own hands to his waist to shove the garment down.
He pulls off the bed momentarily and lets the last of his clothes pool around his feet, stepping out of them and back toward Jensen without hesitation. Jared’s going to press Jensen back, lie down on top of him, when Jensen surges upward and meets him at the edge of the bed, hands grabbing his shoulders.
“Jared,” he breathes and their bodies are pressed tightly together like Jensen it trying to meld them both into one. “You’re so beautiful,” he whispers and turns, catching Jared off balance and sending him back onto the bed.
“Oh god,” Jared gasps as Jensen straddles his legs and leans forward, taking his hard cock firmly by the base and swallowing him down in one enthusiastic motion. It’s warm and wet and messy and it’s clear that Jensen doesn’t really know what he’s doing, and for some reason that just makes it better.
Jared reaches down and ropes his fingers in Jensen’s short hair and relaxes into the sensations, going wherever Jensen wants to take him. He never thought they’d be here, with each other again. Jensen wants him, has never stopped, and that’s enough to make Jared happy with whatever comes his way tonight.
He watches as Jensen slips up and down what he can take of his length, pink, shiny lips stretching around his girth and his cheeks flushed with exertion. Jensen’s eyes are closed but fluttering and he’s making tiny noises of pleasure as his mouth moves and his tongue slides over hot, smooth, hard flesh.
“I’ve wanted to do this…so long…” Jensen gasps in a moment’s pause for breath, immediately lowering his head to start again. Jared loses himself in it momentarily, wanting more, but then pushes himself up onto his elbows, pulling at Jensen.
Jensen only has time to be confused for a moment before Jared is kissing him hard, tongue taking possession of his mouth and sliding deep. Jensen’s still half-dressed and Jared tries to remedy that as they work each other’s lips, awkwardly shoving Jensen’s pants down to try and get his hand between Jensen’s legs, between their bodies.
They both laugh breathlessly when Jensen mutters a curse and pulls back, shucking off the last of his clothes quickly. Jared puts a hand on his hip when Jensen turns back.
“Can I…?”
He doesn’t finish the question but Jensen knows the answer.
“Yeah. Yeah, I want you to.”
Jensen lies down, nodding adamantly, eagerly. Jared glances around the room, wondering what to do, what to use. Jensen touches his arm.
“What is it?”
Jared bends down and kisses him on the lips once, then climbs up and goes toward the bathroom.
“Be right back.”
“Jared-“
Jared only hears the slight panic in Jensen’s voice after he emerges from the bathroom with a small bottle of lotion in his hand.
“Just getting this,” he holds up the small container. “It’ll hopefully make it hurt less,” Jared explains. He doesn’t really know for sure, but Milo had used some on his fingers once when he’d touched him like that, deep inside, and that’s all Jared has to go by.
“God, don’t care, wanna feel you.” Jensen spreads his legs a little wider as Jared settles back down on top of him, cradling his body closer.
Jared wants to listen to Jensen’s eager entreaty and give in to the desperate urge, but he forces himself to take his time. He remembers what it feels like, how long it takes to feel the pleasure through the pain, and he’d never gone the whole way, never taken more than a few fingers. He doesn’t want to hurt Jensen and he knows it’s entirely up to him to make sure that doesn’t happen.
“Have you ever…?” Jensen asks him, voice trembling. Jared shakes his head no and he can see the relief spread through Jensen’s body. He moves his hand down Jensen’s chest, drags over his stomach and his waist.
“No. This is the first time…you’re the only one,” Jared says quietly and Jensen tries to bite back a vulnerable smile.
Slowly, studying every minute reaction crossing Jensen’s face, Jared slides his hand between Jensen’s legs and begins to ease him open, working him thoroughly and carefully. He presses soft kisses to Jensen’s cheeks, his forehead, his jaw, and whispers gentle entreaties to relax and take it slow.
Jensen only keeps begging for more.
He still hisses and tenses, biting his lip and groaning in pain when Jared finally sinks in after a couple of false starts and aborted tries. He cries out in both pleasure and pain when Jared bottoms out, their bodies pressed tightly together. Jared freezes, Jensen’s nails digging into his biceps as he holds stock still with Jensen clenching around him. He closes his eyes against the tight pull and manages to get a semblance of control before asking Jensen if they need to stop.
“God no, keep…keep going.” Jensen shifts underneath him experimentally, gasping a little but then repeating the motion. “It’s all right.”
Jared moves shallowly at first and then drags himself out slowly, taking painstaking moments to allow Jensen to adjust. He doesn’t know if he’s doing this right, doing what he should, but it feels good, feels better than anything should, and he’s worried that Jensen doesn’t feel the same way. It’s a sweet relief when Jensen finally moans in pleasure and lifts his head, crushing his lips to Jared’s and rocking his hips upward just so to meet Jared’s thrusts.
Concern fades enough to let desire take over and Jared eventually matches the rhythm that Jensen sets, ever-increasing with every passing moment. Soon they’re moving fast and hard, gasping as their bodies slam together like they can’t get close enough or deep enough, needing more.
He shouts Jensen’s name when he comes and he trembles with satisfaction when Jensen follows him immediately, unable to stifle his shout.
*******
“It’s kind of cliché to wind up in a hotel room after prom, isn’t it?” Jensen chuckles against him and Jared can feel his laughter just as well as he can hear it. Jensen’s body is pressed so close, warm skin and muscle melding to him willingly, lazily. They’re both entirely at ease. Jared hasn’t felt this carefree since the first time they made out in the movie theater. That feels both forever ago and just like yesterday.
“It’s a motel, not a hotel.” Jared corrects. It was all the money pooled from both their wallets could afford this - a rundown but adequate roadside motel with bright red carpet and threadbare sheets. Looking around now with the lights on, he supposes it’s not so bad. “So it’s cliché, but with a twist.”
“I think we had the twist before the motel/hotel decision, Jay.” Jensen comments, his hand sliding over Jared’s bare chest and then downward, fingertips brushing the trail of hair that leads down underneath the sheets tangled up around their bodies. “Being two tuxes, and all.”
Jared lifts his head to look at where the expensive rental is lying in a crumpled heap on the floor.
“I’m going to have to buy that piece of junk suit, I bet. I don’t know how I’m going to explain.” He lets his head thump back onto the thin pillow.
Jensen blushes a little, smiles more, and ducks his head. He kisses Jared’s shoulder once.
“Did I rip it?”
“I think so.” Jared tries to force a scowl but for the first time in weeks, his face simply won’t move that way. He can’t stop grinning. Jensen’s kissing his way up his neck and his body surges with gratitude for the return of those lips and that tongue. It’d been a painful two and a half months of utter loneliness without them.
He turns his head and captures Jensen’s mouth with his, silently expressing thanks. Jensen returns the sentiment fervently; each kiss deeper than the last and telegraphing something new. I’ll never leave again. I love you. You’re mine. I’m yours.
Jensen shifts, rolling on top of him and angling his face, pushing harder. Jared lets his hands roam over Jensen’s naked body; he fits so perfectly against him, it’s the most natural thing in the world. His fingers find Jensen still wet, surely sore, but when he brushes over Jensen’s entrance Jensen keens and whispers yes through the force of his kiss.
It’s easier, slower, more assured and a little less awkward this time around. Jared slides inside much more easily and watches, breathless, as Jensen stretches, settles, begins to move. They set the rhythm together, fingers twining in the pillows on either side of Jared’s head as Jensen leans forward, rides him hard. Jared stares into Jensen’s beautiful eyes and watches his lush lips part as he struggles for breath. Jensen falls apart for him and Jared can’t stop looking, wanting. It doesn’t take long for their slow and sensual pace to explode into something unbridled and fierce. He just lets go.
Jared’s loud because he can be. He gasps out Jensen’s name in a helpless plea. Urges him on and rocks up into each thrust down; it’s so painfully good that he could cry. He can feel the tears stinging the corners of his eyes and he doesn’t try to blink them away. It’d be nice to cry over something so wonderful for a change.
The bed protests their exertion and bangs out its distress on the wall behind them. Each push into Jensen’s tight body brings on more noise, the slippery squelch of their bodies joining enough to be heard even through everything else. Jensen is panting without a self-conscious care. He’s lost to it and his moans only increase in frequency and volume when Jared insinuates his hand between their stomachs and wraps a fist around Jensen’s over-sensitized cock.
Jensen comes in a heady torrent over Jared’s fingers and wet warmth splashes up over Jared’s chest and stomach. Jared follows only a moment later and Jensen moans beautifully, murmuring god yes as he finishes rocking through it, shuddering at the sensation of Jared filling him up, slick and warm.
Jared wishes he could stay inside Jensen forever, like this, intimate and connected.
“Come to New York with me?” Jensen asks the second he can speak, not waiting for Jared’s answer before kissing him again.
“No,” Jared mumbles and Jensen wrenches back, confused and hurt. Jared smiles softly, laughing lightly. “I’m already going to New York, Jen. So the question is, will you come to New York with me?”
Jensen’s distress dissipates and he lets Jared take control of their kiss, going slack and easy as Jared cradles his head between his hands.
By the time they pause for breath and Jensen lies down beside him on the bed, Jared knows that their fates are sealed. Inextricably intertwined. Jensen never has to actually say yes.
Jared wraps an arm around him and gets comfortable.
“You do realize that we’ll have no money, no jobs, and no prospects.” Jensen comments. He doesn’t sound too upset at the idea.
“Yep.”
“So how will we live?”
“With each other.” Jared replies simply. “That’s what counts, right?”
END