Hell Is So Close and Heaven's Out of Reach
Title: Hell Is So Close and Heaven's Out of Reach
Pairing: Dean/Sam/Ruby, Sam/Dean, Sam/Ruby
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 18,900
Spoilers: 3.14 “Long Distance Call”
Disclaimer: Not mine.
A/N: Title borrowed from lyrics to "Sweet and Low" by Augustana
Dedication: A belated birthday gift for my dear gottalovev, who loves the boys angsty and in love, and for ellel, who requested Dean/Sam/Ruby a long time ago.
“Had a feeling I wasn’t alone.” Dean lets the car door fall shut and turns tiredly to face the lurking presence he knows is just past the shadows.
She smirks, arms crossed, fingernails tapping against the red leather of her jacket as she steps gamely into the light.
“Dean.”
“What do you want.” He's well past patience with her. She’d offered Sam false hope when that was the worst possible thing to have done. He detests her for Sam’s heartbreak more than he hates the fact he’d been secretly holding out hope too, despite knowing better than to believe the words of a demon. After today, with the crushing disappointment of his father’s phone call being nothing but a cruel and dangerous trick, his fear for himself and for Sam is beginning to feel so overwhelming it hurts to breathe.
Looking at Ruby makes him sick. His stomach turns at the thought that this is what lies in wait for him. Twisted lies and manipulation, playing games with people’s lives merely for amusement. Ruby claims she remembers what it’s like to be human, yet she’s still a right bitch, toying with them like a cat would a mouse.
Hardly gives him any hope for his own odds.
“I heard through the grapevine that you spilled our little secret to Sam.” Ruby walks toward him slowly, shoulders shifting, boots clicking on pavement. Dean tenses, ready for a fight, as she approaches. “Tsk-tsk, Dean…that wasn’t a good idea. For you, anyway. For me, well…” She doesn’t elaborate; she only smirks harder, her eyes dancing wickedly in delight.
“How do you know what I told Sam?” Dean snipes, annoyed. Fucking demons.
“I have my ways.” She clicks her tongue and grins before glancing sideways, nodding her head slightly toward their motel room window. “He’s inside right now, you know…thinking about it. About summoning me, calling me. He wants me to tell him you’re the liar, Dean.”
She’s too close, taunting him. Dean grits his teeth, setting his jaw, and refuses to blink.
“He wants to believe me.”
“Of course he does. You’re offerin’ him a miracle cure.” Dean retorts. “But Sammy ain’t stupid. He won’t fall for your bullshit again.”
“Dean, Dean, Dean…” Ruby sighs, setting her hands on his shoulders. Dean shoves off her touch but it only earns him a sly smile of triumph from her lips. “You’re pretty, but you’re also pretty damn dumb.”
Dean looks at her, waiting for the punchline.
“I knew you’d tell him. It’s what I wanted. You think I’d count on you to keep a secret? ” She scoffs.
“Excuse me? You want Sam to know you’re a lying wench?” He asks, disbelieving.
“I have a plan, Dean. And you?" She shrugs off the idea of him entirely. "Well, you’re a means to an end.”
“End, what end.”
“Sam,” Ruby replies. “He’s desperate, and he’s angry. And it’s only a matter of time now before he calls for me.”
“And what’s keepin’ you from just going to him?” Dean asks, looking back to their motel room where Sam is inside, oblivious to he and Ruby squabbling over him outside.
“He has to want it, Dean. He has to ask for it.” Dean raises his eyebrows at her, impatient for a clear answer. Ruby stares back at him for a moment in disbelief that she has to spell it out for him, and then rolls her eyes. “His destiny. He has to stop fighting it if he’s going to survive.”
“Giving in is not how Sammy is gonna survive, and if you think it is, you’re even more demented than I thought.”
Ruby shrugs.
“Face facts, kiddo. When you’re rotting in hell, all Sam’s gonna be left with is me. Broken, scared, and alone, who do you think he’s gonna turn to?”
Dean punches the smile right off of her face before the thought actually crosses his mind to do it. He follows after her as she recoils backward. He grabs her by the collar of her jacket, picking her up and shaking her like a rag doll.
“You keep your god damn hands off of him or I swear to god-“
“You’ll what?” Ruby actually laughs, not the slightest bit intimidated. With relish, she licks at the blood spilling from her newly split lip. “You don’t get it, Dean. Sam is going to listen to me…one way or another. He can either listen to me now and you can live, or he can listen to me after you’re dead. Your choice.”
“I see you again, Ruby, I’m sending you straight back to hell, I promise you that,” Dean whispers tersely. Ruby doesn’t react. He unfolds his fingers from their tight grip on her coat and sets her back on the ground. But she doesn’t move back; instead, she smoothes her own hands up the front of his worn blue denim shirt.
“You know what your biggest mistake has always been, Dean?”
“Oh, I’m sure you’ll tell me.” Dean freezes as Ruby rises on tiptoe and brushes her mouth over his, breathing her next words against his lips.
“You think Sam is yours.” She shakes her head slowly, her eyes opening and staring deeply into his as her kiss burns his skin. “He’s not. He never has been. And he never will be.”
“Fuck you.” He grunts, shoving her back forcefully.
“Sorry Dean…but you…well, you just don’t understand him, is all.” She shrugs in fake apology.
“And you do?”
Ruby looks again toward the room where Sam’s shadow moves behind thin curtains. Dean follows her gaze, and when he turns back to face her, she’s gone.
*******
“You told Dean you couldn’t save him.”
Sam sits with his back to her but he knows when she arrives. The air grows colder and the hair on the back of his neck stands up. It always does. He can sense her that way.
Ruby walks around the chalk circle he has drawn on the dirty floor, looking down at him. He glares at her, candlelight reflecting dangerously in the darkness of his eyes.
“I can’t.” She says simply. Sam climbs up from the ground, advancing on her quickly. She doesn’t move.
“Go to hell,” Sam growls.
“Make me.” Ruby replies. Sam shoves her against the concrete wall, his large hand wrapping around her neck effortlessly. She doesn’t blink, doesn’t gasp. “You could do it. No rituals, no exorcisms. If you wanted to.” Sam’s grip loosens in confusion, the cold set of his frown wavering, his eyebrows furrowing. “You could do anything. You could save him.”
“Me? How?”
“You remember Jake. You remember Ava. And they were nothing compared to what you could be.” Ruby looks up at him with something akin to admiration, a flicker of excitement in her eyes. Sam shakes his head sternly no.
“We’ve been through this. That stuff isn’t happening anymore.”
“I know you’ve convinced yourself otherwise, Sam, but come on.” Ruby places her hand on his cheek and he flinches, tugging his face away. “You and I both know you could do it if you wanted to.”
Sam doesn’t reply and Ruby traces a finger down the line of his jaw, studying him thoughtfully.
“Your brother doesn’t know where you are right now, does he.” Her eyes narrow and Sam grunts, shifting away.
“So what.”
“He doesn’t want you to talk to me. Doesn’t think you can handle it. Figures his baby brother isn’t up for the challenge, gonna get in over his head.”
“That’s really none of your damn business.”
“He doesn’t even trust in you enough to believe you can use your powers and not turn evil on him, Sam. In fact, he already thinks you’re halfway there, isn’t even sure that what he brought back when he made that deal isn’t evil already.”
Sam tries to keep his gaze focused on the ground, but he can’t keep his eyes from flicking up to her in alarm, in dismay.
“Didn’t tell you that, did he?"
Ruby smiles and moves away from him, circling him again. Sam watches her carefully out of the corner of his eye, shoulders hunched and his fists prepared.
“But still, he somehow, stupidly, stubbornly, clings to the belief that you’ll be just fine without him.” She looks puzzled at Dean’s contradictions, the power of his denial baffling her. But it’s a put on act that drops quickly into cynical amusement at Dean’s expense.
“He thinks you’ll keep on going, fight this war on your own.” She chuckles. “You ever tell him you already gave that a try?” Ruby cocks her head and Sam tightens his lips, refusing to acknowledge her. “Never told him about the Wednesday the Trickster gave you?.”
“He didn’t need to know.”
“You boys and your secrets.” Ruby shakes her head.
“Dean’s got other things to deal with. Last thing he needs is me dumping my crap on his shoulders too.” She shrugs at Sam’s comment, her mind already moving on to other things.
“Do you find it strange that Dean would rather die than watch you become a freak?” Ruby inquires bluntly. Sam clenches and unclenches his fingers, trying not to let her needle him the way she’s so obviously attempting to do. “A freak who could save his ass, no less. Don’t you realize by now, Sam? This is who you are. You can’t escape it, you can’t run from it. And I don’t get why you’d want to, not when it means saving your brother.”
“Dean wouldn’t want me to-“
“Dean wants the simple uncomplicated Sammy - the one who wanted college and kids and a friggin’ white picket fence. He wants the Sammy who questions the killing and the violence, the Sammy that’s still everything he hoped you could be.”
“That’s not-“
“It is. Without you, his darling, precious baby brother, he’s got no reason, no purpose. He’s just a wack job with a gun.”
“Shut your mouth.”
“He’s counting on you to be everything he’s not.” Ruby pauses, her gaze flicking over his face. “You’re what makes Dean feel human.”
Ruby stops in front of him, crossing her arms over her chest.
“How long are you going to pretend for him, Sam?”
Sam swallows hard, blinking once.
“As long as I can. Forever.”
“You Winchesters…” Ruby snorts. “You think you’ll be ending all the sacrifice by letting Dean go? Is that your great big idea?” Sam remains silent. “What Dean doesn’t realize is it’s a bigger sacrifice for you to stay weak and ‘good’ than to use the gifts Yellow Eyes gave you. You’re sacrificing your future - hell, everyone’s futures - so Dean can die believing you’re gonna be a good boy when he’s gone.”
Sam maintains his silence and Ruby knows she’s getting through to him, if only because the snappish retorts and the sad pledges to follow Dean’s wishes have ceased. She pushes on.
“Dean dying isn’t going to keep your soul pure, Sam, no matter what he thinks. The road’s still the same, there’ll just be one less person walkin’ on it.”
“I know that.” Sam mumbles, his voice rumbling with emotion as tears start to slip down his cheeks. He keeps his head tilted down, gaze locked on the floor. His fists are still bunched tight. Ruby moves close to him, reaching up again to touch his face. Sam doesn’t pull back this time. Her next words come soft and sweet, understanding.
“There’s no other way. Dean won’t face it, but you have to.” She brushes the tears from his face and then drags her fingers through the soft strands of his hair. “I know who holds his contract.” Sam’s head snaps upward and he opens his mouth to speak, but Ruby shushes him, pressing a finger sharply to his lips.
“It’s Lilith.” The spark in his eyes fades as Sam understands the implications of those two words. “We’re going to have to do this right or it’s all going to come crashing down around our ears. Do you understand?”
Sam is quiet for a long time and then he nods.
“I understand,” he murmurs weakly and Ruby draws her hand back and turns away, frustrated.
“Dammit Sam.” Her glare is venomous when she whirls around to face him again.
“I understand!” He barks loudly, temper flaring. They stare at one another for a heated moment, Sam’s eyes hot with anger and hers cool with contempt, until finally her expression softens into understanding.
Sam stands stock-still, wary, when she moves close to him again, remains tense as she brushes her hand along his cheek.
“Ruby...” He whispers, unsure.
“It’s going to be okay, Sam.” She murmurs, pushing his hair back from his face. The look in her eyes, clear and bright and almost loving, could make Sam forget she was a demon if he wasn’t careful. He resists the urge to relax into her touch; it’s been so long since he’s had any real human contact with anyone besides Dean.
But she’s not human. She’s just wearing one.
He doesn’t move but Ruby seems to sense the shift inside of him and withdraws her touch. Her face shuts down again, a cold, impenetrable mask.
“Now come on. We got work to do.”
*******
“Where the hell’ve you been, Sam?” Dean had been pacing in the opposite direction, but the second the door opened he’d whirled around and come toward Sam with alarming speed.
Sam stops, affecting an air like he’s surprised and confused by Dean’s concern, and lets the door fall slowly closed behind him.
“I went for a walk.”
“A walk.” Dean repeats, angry. It’s clear he believes Sam about as much as he believes in the Tooth Fairy. “That’s the lie you went with, Sammy? A walk?”
“It’s not a lie. I just needed to clear my head, think about some things…what’s your problem?”
“You’ve been gone for five hours. It’s the middle of the night. You expect me to believe that you weren’t off with that demon bitch?”
“It’s Ruby, and no, I wasn’t.” Sam stares Dean down, daring him to continue challenging his word. Dean stares right back at him until it seems like they’re having some kind of contest, a face-off, neither one wanting to blink, much less back down.
Dean breaks the silence but not their gaze, his frustration getting the better of him.
“I don’t get you, Sam. What the hell is wrong with you, disappearing for hours at a time? It’s been going on all week. You take every opportunity you can to split up, you’re not sleeping, you’re-“
“How do you know I’m not sleeping?” His voice cracks defensively.
“What, you think I am?” Dean shoots back and Sam’s shoulders slump. “My bill comes due in less than a month and you think I’m sleepin’ like a baby?” Dean points a finger at Sam. “And the fact that you haven’t even noticed tells me something’s up. Now what is it?”
Sam doesn’t reply, shifting on his feet and sighing.
“Or should I just call Ruby and ask her?”
“You can do whatever you want. She won’t have anything to tell you.”
Dean regards him carefully and Sam can’t decipher whether or not his brother buys his indifference. Dean picks up his jacket from the bed and heads to the door, pushing up his sleeves like he’s about to get down to business.
“Fine then, we’ll see about that won’t we,” he grunts, calling Sam’s bluff.
“Dean, come on,” Sam starts but Dean is already opening the door. Dean stops short and it’s not until Dean steps back with an annoyed and angry look on his face that Sam understands why.
“Speak of the devil,” Dean states as Ruby strolls inside, cool and calm.
“Hey boys.” She greets them both without a hint of emotion. “Hope I’m not interrupting a little lover’s spat.”
“Funny.” Dean glares, decidedly not amused.
“Just callin’ it like I see it,” she states airily. With purpose in her step, she crosses to Sam and without warning slinks her arms over his broad shoulders, her fingers against the back of his neck. Her lips are then against his, searing hot, and Sam’s mind goes strangely blank, unprepared to handle what she is giving him. When she draws back, Ruby grins perkily and taps her fingertip against his chin. “Hey Sammy.”
Sam pulls his head back, disgust wrinkling his forehead. He pushes Ruby away awkwardly but she’s enjoying her game too much to be dissuaded. She turns toward Dean, thrilled to see him tense with fury.
“Dean, I need a moment alone with Sam?” Ruby nods her head to the door, her eyes wide and innocent, beguiling. She runs her hand along the waistline of Sam’s jeans, fingers brushing his stomach.
“The only one leaving is you.” Dean snaps but it has no effect other than increasing Ruby’s enjoyment of the moment.
“On second thought…” She looks up at Sam and then eyes Dean, considering something. She drops the coy tease like a hot rock and her face turns flatly serious. “Sam. I need to talk to your brother.”
“Ruby,” Sam begins in warning and Ruby snorts derisively.
“Sam, don’t be a baby. Dean can handle himself with me for five measly minutes. He’s done it before.” Sam glances at his brother and Dean nods tersely, giving the okay.
Once Sam’s out the door, Ruby arches an eyebrow at Dean, begging a question.
“Really, Dean. I’m surprised at you.”
“I’m a surprising guy, what can I say.” Dean doesn’t know what Ruby’s getting at, but brushes her off anyway, crossing his arms over his chest and quirking his lips.
“I would’ve thought, with your one way ticket to hell and all, you’d be less worried about behaving yourself.”
“I’m having plenty of hedonistic fun, don’t you worry ‘bout me.”
“Oo, breaking out the big words. And they say Sam’s the smart one.”
Ruby saunters closer to him, trailing her hand behind her to trace the edge of the bed.
“They seem to say a lot of things about Sam, don’t they.” Dean comments darkly. “I don’t much like they.”
“Oh, Dean, Dean, Dean. Can we ever have a conversation that’s not about Sam and his ‘destiny’?” Ruby mocks tiredly. “There is more to him than that, you know.”
“That’s all you’re interested in so I don’t much see the point of talkin’ ‘bout anything else.”
Ruby raises a brow again, dragging a finger over Dean’s forearm as she stops in front of him.
“It’s not that simple,” she responds. Her wide eyes penetrate Dean’s and he reads something there that scares him, makes his heart seize tightly in his chest. “Sam is more to me than a leader, Dean.”
“Right. I bet.” The words clip from his tongue, taut with contempt.
“Just like he’s more to you than a brother.”
“Of course he is. He’s my best friend.” Ruby can tell he knows exactly what she had meant to imply, his gee, well, duh response played too heavily, too obviously.
“Yeah. Right.” She inches closer slowly, her lithe body pressing up against his suggestively. Dean finds himself transfixed, staring intensely at her pink lips, helpless as she kisses him, the same way she’d kissed Sam. He doesn’t know why he opens to her, lets her delve deep, but he does. His hands find her small waist and he grips hard, holding her so tightly that the denim of her jeans seems to grow hot under his fingers. The power of his hate pours out of him, funneling into her as their lips meet again and again, all teeth and tongue, desperation and rage.
Coming to his senses Dean tries to push her away but Ruby pulls him back sharply, gasping out a light but triumphant laugh as their bodies collide.
“Could you taste him?” Ruby’s words shiver over his lips. She’s breathless and to his dismay, so is he.
Reviled, Dean shoves her backward harshly. The smile that slithers over Ruby’s face is smug with satisfaction.
“You’re disgusting,” he spits out.
“Pot meet kettle.”
“You have no idea what you’re talking about.” Dean wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, trying to rid himself of the feel of her.
“Sure. I’m wrong, Dean. Keep telling yourself that.” Ruby shrugs and heads toward the door. “But ask yourself this: what’ve you got to lose?”
Dean wishes he’d found the right words to reply, a witty, biting rejoinder, but as he often is around her, he finds himself unable to find his voice in time. She’s gone in the blink of an eye. Dean doesn’t know how much time passes exactly before Sam is walking back in, scanning the room for Ruby, then looking at him worriedly.
“What the hell was that about?” He inquires, seeing Dean’s blanche face. “What’d she say to you?”
Dean rubs his mouth again unconsciously and then, realizing that the motion gives something away, drops his hand to his side.
“Nothing. It doesn’t matter.”
“How can it not matter?”
“It just doesn’t.”
“So, what now, you can have secrets with Ruby, but I shouldn’t even talk to her? Is that it?”
“Cut the crap. Ruby’s your special friend, not mine.”
Dean turns and starts walking toward the bathroom, needing to brush his teeth, drink some water, something to make himself feel clean again, but stops and turns back to face his brother.
“Are you fucking her, Sam?”
“What?” Sam is a perfect picture of utter disbelief. “Why the hell would you-“
“Oh, gee, Sam, I dunno. Why would I get an idea like that?”
“Dean.”
“Just answer the question.”
“No, Dean. No. I’m not…’fucking’ Ruby.” He trips over the word “fucking” like he finds it offensive and crude, and the fact that Sam is extending any semblance of polite gentlemanly respect to Ruby, like she’s an actual girl, almost bothers Dean more than anything else.
“Then what’s with the suck face?”
“She kissed me.”
“Semantics.”
“She’s a demon, Dean. A demon who’s trying to help us, sure, but she’s still a demon. She’s just trying to screw with our heads.” Sam’s voice rises higher, bewildered by Dean’s interrogation. “Dude, you were right there - you know I didn’t kiss her back.” When Dean continues to stare at him suspiciously, Sam scoffs, affronted. “You really think I’m that stupid?”
“I don’t know, are you?”
Sam shakes his head sadly at his brother, wounded by his accusations. He mutters something under his breath and stalks toward the door.
“What was that?” Dean demands.
“It’s not worth repeating,” Sam mumbles, slamming the door behind him as he leaves.
*******
Ruby turns to Sam as another demon howls and flickers dead underneath its human shroud, collapsing to the ground in the devil’s trap they’d set. She wipes the blood from her blade on the edge of Sam’s shirt.
He stares at the lifeless corpse, his face betraying his emotions.
“That’s what happens, Sam. You could’ve saved that poor human by killing the demon inside - wouldn’t have a mark on him. Instead?” Ruby sheathes her knife. “Now the poor schmuck is dead. Happy?”
“You didn’t have to kill-“
“I exorcise that demon, it goes back to hell, Sam. Tells all its little friends what Sammy Winchester is up to. Yeah. That’s exactly what we need. God, maybe I should be glad you’re not leading the freaking army, you’d want to give all your enemies lollipops and candy canes and send them skipping home.”
“Ruby-“
“Your brother’s got a week left and you’re still fighting this, Sam-“
“I’m not-“
“You say you’re trying, but are you really?” Ruby levels him with a dark stare and Sam has to look away. “Lookit, Sam. You’re not doing anyone any favors by resisting this. All you’re doing is wasting my time.”
“Ruby, it’s not as simple as you-“
“Yes it is. You forget it’s my butt on the line here too, Sam. You screw this up? You’ll be taking me down with you. You really want that?” Ruby busies herself with attending to the dead body, grabbing the man’s wallet and other items from his pockets.
“No.” Sam responds and Ruby stops what she’s doing, her frown hesitantly turning into a small smile as she regards him carefully.
“You know, Sammy…that’s just about the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.” She states, laughing lightly. “That isn’t saying much, but still.”
“Sorry.” Sam mumbles and this time Ruby looks genuinely surprised, though she tries to hide it.
“What?”
“I’m sorry. You’re only trying to help and I’m not making this easy,” Sam continues, speaking quietly and humbly like a small child who has been caught and forced to ‘fess up.
“Thanks, Sam.” She stands up and tosses the man’s personal belongings into a nearby metal bin. Grabbing a matchbook from her pocket, she quickly sets the trash on fire. The flickering light of the flames cast strange shadows in the empty warehouse. “I’d say it’s about time, but I s’pose that wouldn’t be very gracious would it.”
“No, not really,” Sam smiles a little, his face more honest than Ruby has seen it in days.
Which makes the shift all the more alarming when he realizes that he can’t move and he tenses with panic.
“What the hell - Ruby - “
“Relax,” Ruby says soothingly but Sam immediately starts fighting against the invisible force keeping him in place.
“Ruby, what the fuck are you doing-“ He’s anxious now and Ruby sighs.
“Sam. Relax. You’re more powerful than me, remember?” She points out, though Sam seems hard pressed to recall that at the moment. Ruby stops a few feet away from him and shrugs. “So break free.”
“Excuse me?”
“Make me stop, Sam. It’s simple.” She actually taps her foot, waiting for him to do something. “Anytime.”
Sam closes his eyes and tries to concentrate, but he doesn’t know what he’s doing. Every time he’s used his powers before, he had no control. It just happened to him, unknowingly. Only when he’d known Dean’s life was in immediate peril…
He feels a flicker of something, like maybe the lock binding him into place loosened momentarily, but then it’s back to the constant, overwhelming pressure on his limbs.
“C’mon, Sam. You mean to tell me that you’d just stand there and let me do whatever I wanted to you right now?”
Sam glances at her out of the corner of his eye; she’s almost out of his peripheral vision now and he can’t turn his head to follow her movement. He hates feeling so trapped.
“Ruby…” He grits his teeth in frustration. Ruby walks behind him and he feels her hand smooth over his lower back, continuing around to rest flat against his stomach as she comes into view once more.
She bites her bottom lip, looking up at him sensually through her dark lashes.
“Sam, come on…” She fits herself against him, her hands on his chest now. “You’re not going to make me stop? Even though I repulse you, disgust you? C’mon, Sammy, it’s nothing…” Her pale pink lips are brushing over his and Sam’s not sure anymore what she’s pleading for: for him to stop her or for him to let her go on. There’s something in her eyes that’s so real it almost frightens him. It’s something like lust, like love, and he wishes that her eyes would turn black so he’d forget all about how her gaze has suddenly made his pulse race.
It isn’t until he’s kissing her back, his tongue in her mouth and his hands tangled in her hair that he realizes he can move again.
“Did I do that or did you?” Sam asks, opening his eyes and finding her flushed and dazed, not very much like the cold-hearted Ruby he knows.
“You did.” She smiles and Sam surprises himself by kissing her again.
His eyes are still closed when he finally pulls away from her and by the time he opens them, she’s gone.
That night he senses Dean watching him suspiciously, tossing furtive glances in his direction as they go about their usual business of downing some pizza and beer in their motel room.
Dean’s strangely quiet but then again, so is he. Sam assures himself that Dean has more than enough on his mind to keep him troubled. There’s no way Dean could know anything about his momentary transgression with Ruby. It’s only his guilty conscience making him paranoid.
It’s four in the morning when Dean sits up, swings his legs over the side of his bed, and says into the darkness:
“I followed you tonight, Sam. I saw you with her.”
He pretends to be asleep, forcing his breathing even despite the racing of his heart, until Dean gives up and lies back down.
In the silence, Sam adds this to the ever-growing list of terrible things that are pushing the two of them farther apart and stares at the clock as the night slips into morning.
*******
“I don’t know what do anymore.”
“Well didja talk to him?” Bobby sticks his hands in his pockets as he stares at Dean from under the brim of his dirty trucker’s hat, but Dean avoids his eyes.
“I tried.” Dean scuffs the floor with his boot and Bobby sighs, exasperated. He knows what this means.
“Dean, if you’ve got somethin’ to say to your brother, don’t you think you best do it now? I mean, clock’s tickin’.”
“Thanks, Bobby. That helps.” Dean snaps, glaring at him. He rubs his hand over his mouth as he turns away, his shoulders tensing up. “What the hell am I supposed to say? Nothin’ gets through to him. He knows how I feel about that skank and what does he do? He not only summons her, hell, he makes out with her. It’s pretty damn clear that Sam’s gonna do what he wants to do.”
Dean paces away from Bobby, back and forth across the room while the older man stays still, only his eyes following Dean’s frantic movement.
“What the hell is he thinkin’? God dammit, Bobby. I don’t know what to do here and I’m running out of time. I can’t…I don’t want to-“
“I know, son.”
“It sucks enough that I’ve gotta freakin’ die but knowing that that bitch has her hooks into him, that I’m not going to be around to stop whatever it is she’s trying to do…” Dean looks out the filthy window at the Impala, parked out in front of the house. “You gotta promise me, Bobby - watch out for him. Don’t let him do anything stupid.”
“Dean, I’ve got your brother’s back, you know that. But you also gotta know there ain’t nothin’ I can do to keep him from trying to save you, get you back. I hate to agree with Ruby, but maybe she’s right. It might be better in the long run if we let Sam-“
“Don’t even say it, Bobby.” Dean holds up a hand to stop Bobby’s words in their tracks. “We are not doin’ that.”
“Dean.”
“Don’t.” Dean is deadly serious, his face stern and his eyes dark. Bobby frowns.
“Look, it scares the shit outta me too. But this thing with Sam? It ain’t goin’ away. Maybe we should figure out how to deal with it, instead of runnin’ from it all the god damned time.” Bobby is gruff, his voice growing louder.
Dean sits down at the table, putting one hand on the volumes of texts that he’s been sorting through all day, the other hand moving to rub the back of his neck. He lets out a deflated sigh, his shoulders slumping.
“Dean, the only chance Sam’s got is you.”
“And then what, Bobby, huh? Answer me that.” Dean demands, but Bobby doesn’t respond. Dean gets back up to his feet, advancing across the room toward the other man. “Say he does saves me. Does some scary shit and takes Lilith down. What happens after? I can’t ever do what he asked me to do, Bobby.”
“Who asked you to do what?”
“My dad. I can’t do it. I can’t shoot my own brother. I’m sure as hell not gonna stay alive just so I can be around to kill him. No way no how.”
“There ain’t-“
“He puts his soul on the line to save me, and there’s no coming back from that. It’s what they’re all waiting for. They’re freaking salivating over it, waiting for Sam to come play for their team. And Ruby’s their god damned head cheerleader.”
Dean finds himself at the window again, watching the sun dip down below the horizon, its last rays scattering strange shadows over the junk yard. Another day gone; five to go.
“I tell you what, I should just kill her. I’d rest a lot easier knowin’ she wouldn’t be here hangin’ around Sammy after I’m gone.”
“You know what I think, Dean? I think maybe you should be worrying more about you right now. We need to get you out of that deal, no matter what the cost, son. I don’t say it lightly, but maybe we oughta listen to the girl.”
“The ‘girl’, Bobby?” Dean lifts both his eyebrows incredulously. “Christ. Am I the only sane person left around here?”
Bobby grunts, rolling his eyes.
“Sorry, boy, but what she’s been sayin’ makes a whole lotta sense-“
“What?”
“You just love yer brother more’n you love yerself and are too dumb to realize that he feels the same about you.”
Dean puts his hands over the back of the nearest chair, his fingers gripping the wood tightly. He sucks in his bottom lip harshly as he tries to bite back all that is threatening to tumble forth.
“It’s not the same, Bobby. Sam can do this without me. He doesn’t…he doesn’t need me. Not like I...not like…”
“Not like you need him?” Bobby finishes and Dean nods. Bobby shakes his head sadly. “Then you’re a dafter fool than I ever thought.”
Bobby walks toward Dean and claps him on the back before passing him by. His eyes shift almost imperceptibly to something just over Dean’s shoulder.
“Hey Sam.” His greeting makes Dean freeze, close his eyes. He wonders how long Sam had been standing behind him, how long Bobby had let him go on while knowing Sam was right there in the doorway.
Bobby is gone by the time Dean works up the courage to turn around. He finds Sam looking at him with those broken eyes that make Dean want to run and hide from everything he’s done, everything he’s messed up.
“Where’ve you been?” His words choke in his throat, come out rough and shaky. Sam’s lips are set into a tight frown and his jaw shifts slightly before he speaks, like he’s trying to hold back what he really wants to say. Dean coughs lightly in an attempt to break up the emotion in his voice. “I thought you were just going to the library.”
Sam doesn’t reply and Dean knows enough by now to read the real answer laying in his silence. He can almost see Ruby on Sam like an invisible mark left lingering over his body. Wherever Sam was, whatever he was doing, he most certainly was with her.
“Why, Sam?”
“Because I have to. I can’t…not. You’re everything I have, Dean. You’re what matters. When are you going to get that?”
Dean blinks once, twice, and looks away. His mind tells him that he does, in fact, get that, but the feeling that Sam could so easily slip away from him again has never left.
It began with the shtriga, so many years ago. Back then it was a lingering, nagging doubt that one day he’d slip up again and Dad wouldn’t be there to save his baby brother, to make up for his mistakes.
When he lost Sam in another way entirely - to California, to college, to Jess - it had broadsided him. It had never even occurred to him to consider that happening. All those years spent trying to protect Sam from evil and his brother had left him for something as harmless as law school. Hadn’t even looked back.
It cemented, became all too real, in Cold Oak. His nightmare had finally come true and as he’d always expected, Sam had gone first, leaving him alone.
Sam was always the one who did the leaving, by choice or no. And Dean was the one who stayed behind.
Even now, with his deadline fast approaching, he stills sees it everywhere, sees all the forces working to pull Sam away from him, to make Sam desert him all over again. Dean can’t face that. He can’t watch that happen. He wants Sam with him to the end. His Sam.
“I don’t like the way she looks at you.” Dean states quietly. Sam steps closer, barely able to hear him speak.
“How does she look at me?”
Dean shifts on his feet, sighs.
“When she looks at you…”
“Dean?” Sam prompts when Dean trails off, unable to finish. “How does she look at me?”
“It’s like she’s human. It’s like you make her human, Sammy.” He mumbles. That Sam doesn’t know how to respond is written all over his face. Dean looks up at his brother plaintively, pain clouding his eyes. “I fucking hate it. So much, man. I really do.”
“I’m not sure I understand.” Sam’s brow furrows but Dean doesn’t explain. He continues on, his thoughts uninterrupted.
“And the thing that kills me is, I can’t tell if she’s helping us because she’s getting off on corrupting you, or if she’s helping us because she loves how much you fight being corrupted.”
“Is there a difference?”
“Yeah. There is.” Dean faces him, squaring his shoulders. Sam moves closer, determined to make Dean see things his way.
“Does it even matter why she’s helping us, Dean? Really? If it ends with you getting out of your deal, I don’t need to know her reasons why.”
“It’s not like you to not ask questions, Sam.”
“And it’s not like you to sit around and wait for the solution to come to you,” Sam retorts and Dean sputters, frustrated.
“Then I guess we’re both acting a little crazy.”
“Guess so.”
“Maybe that’d explain why you’re sneaking off for little play dates with Ruby, sticking your freaking tongue in her mouth?” Dean blurts out and Sam frowns, his gaze dropping to the floor guiltily. “What, you thought I wasn’t growing to bring that up again?”
“What do you mean ‘again’-“ Sam opens his mouth to protest but Dean cuts him off.
“Like I didn’t know you were still awake, Sam? Come on.” Dean puts distance between himself and his brother, moving to the fireplace and leaning on the mantel. Sam grows tense, fists bunched at his sides as his teeth dig into his bottom lip. He avoids meeting Dean’s eyes. “Sammy?”
“It was just something that happened. I can’t explain it.”
“Yeah. Okay. Sure. Well then, that’s good. Really good.” Dean snorts at Sam’s utter lack of an explanation. “You can be Boy King, she can be your little queen, the freakin’ First Lady of hell. Guess I should be grateful I don’t have to stick around see that.”
“Jesus Christ, Dean. We’ve got less than a week left and you really want to spend it arguing over the fact I kissed Ruby?”
“Yeah, I kinda do.” Dean shoots back angrily.
“Well, you’ll have to excuse me, ‘cause I’ve got better ways to spend my time than fight over stupid shit like this.”
“Don’t let me stop you, go right ahead.” Dean points to the door. Sam shakes his head, annoyed, and heads toward it. As soon as he takes a step forward, Dean practically bolts after him, like he had been bluffing and realized belatedly Sam really was about to actually leave.
He slams the door shut with one hand and then grabs his brother by the shoulders, spinning him and pinning him against it.
All the air rushes out of Sam’s lungs in a strangled gasp as Dean shoves him again, so hard that his head knocks back against the unforgiving wood. His vision blurs for a split second and he feels dizzy but Sam’s unsure if it’s from the force of Dean’s movement or the fact that his brother is everywhere; so close that the world beyond him barely seems to exist.
“Dean…” Sam breathes out, putting his hands around Dean’s wrists and trying to get his vise-like grip to ease off. Dean only wraps his fingers tighter in the fabric of Sam’s shirt and jacket. His eyes are dark and intense and they remind Sam of the out of control fire that burned within his brother after their father’s death.
Dean stares at Sam for a long, tense moment. Sam’s eyes are searching his, full of unconcealed concern and fear and Dean hates it, can’t stand it, when he can see every single thing that Sam is feeling right there on the surface. For all his talk of emotions and sharing, Sam’s face is usually reservedly stoic and to see him cracked open wide and vulnerable…it breaks him every time.
Dean tries to think of the right thing to say but his mind is empty of usable words. There are only feelings - want and disgust and love and hate - mixed and intertwined in an unfixable mess. Pulling on one thread doesn’t sort anything out; it only makes the tangle worse, makes the knots pull tighter and makes them impossible to undo.
He hates feeling this jumbled and with every passing day it grows worse. All the things going unsaid weigh on him so heavily that he doesn’t know if he’ll be able to carry them all the way to his grave without collapsing underneath the burden.
“Dean.” Sam says again, his voice stronger this time. His hands are loose though, just sitting on Dean’s wrists, fingers brushing soft on his skin.
It’s so easy to lean forward and press his lips to Sam’s that afterward Dean has to wonder at it. His kiss is not soft or gentle like he’d meant it to be - it’s crushingly hard and his hands tug at Sam’s jacket so roughly that he almost feels like he’s pulling up on Sam’s skin. But Sam opens up, mouth and tongue and teeth, with a weak groan that only makes Dean push harder. Sam gives, slack and sensual, and lets Dean dominate him entirely.
Dean takes Sam’s face in his hands, rough calloused thumbs against the prickle of Sam’s barely there stubble. He angles Sam’s head so he can delve deep and take everything that Sam has. It’s more than Dean ever imagined and it all washes over him and fills him up until he’s drowning from the inside out.
“Sam…” Dean wrenches himself away when it suddenly feels like he can’t breathe. It is more and it’s too much. Far more than he should be taking.
“Dean, please,” Sam starts, reading his brother’s fear and self-contempt in his wide green eyes.
“Don’t, Sammy.” Dean closes his eyes tightly and releases Sam from his grasp. “Don’t. I’m…” Dean forces his eyes back open and Sam can tell he’s on the verge of tears, barely choking them back. “I’m sorry.”
Dean grabs Sam by his jacket again and shoves him aside violently. He’s out the door and in the Impala in seconds, the engine’s rumble drowning out Sam’s desperate shout.
CONTINUED...