(no subject)
As soon as I got into work yesterday, email has come through from CF bollocking us, the team, about our call stats etc. Really 'I've got the hump with you' email which quietened the office something chronic first thing and got me a little pissed off.
Pissed off as 1) guilt because I know we all have been slacking a little in the last week, 2) annoyed that agreements weren't stuck to (we agreed call stats would be sent out by CF every day/every week and it hasn't happened past a week), 3) it made AG go into righteous mode (wants to get into management, so brown-nosing), 4) annoyed that I care and annoyed that it affected the office mood so drastically.
So what did I do to counteract this? I didn't.. I felt myself taking on the serious frowning quietening energy of 'we've done bad' and slipped back into fear mode, of not wanting to be there. Trying to fight it, but nervous anxiety again of I'm going to get into trouble, so avoidance tactics, and keeping ultra busy beyond my means - stomach tension, hyper vigilence, and forcing myself to do work I don't want to do.
And with 15 days left, why do I even care?
Part of me wants to do the best job I can, and another part of me just wants to say f**k it and get over the fear of being punished. But I want to do the best for CF, and somehow despite this being about working for myself because I choose, there is a contract, and I have an agreement to work. I clearly have ripped up this agreement and am finally making a shift away from it, but still doesn't prevent me from feeling the need to do the best, for Chris.
Is this where the serenity prayer comes in? I'm trying to do this for Chris, for the company, not for me. If I can reason with myself and make it about me, or the exchange of energy then perhaps I can persuade myself to do half way house - working without getting overly stressed. Really don't like this though - really want all passions to be focussed on the task, or may as well not bother.
Work life was so much easier earlier in the week - I felt happier, more myself, because pressure was taken off. In an instant it's like it's been put back on, but it's up to me whether I accept it, take it on board, or shrug it off smiling. I soo want to be able to do the latter, and this is going to be my choice. Anyone else I speak to says 'why do you even care - you're leaving!' and yet my moral compass says this isn't good enough. Bottom line - this is about my health now, so I am going to shrug it off for the sake of my nerves, my body, my emotions, and my mind. I need a break, so I will do things gently or not at all. If this isn't good enough, well they will have to tell me, and I'll leave early. With 3 weeks to go and me training the newbie, that isn't going to happen, so I"m there for 3 weeks handing over, and will leave them in the best possible situation, but this doesn't mean I have to kill myself physically and all the rest of it. It's just a job. It's just stuff Elisa. It doesn't matter. You're not harming anyone but yourself, so STOP.
Got home last night feeling overwhelmed, B there painting - felt panic as 'more to do more to do, I can't rest' etc etc but forced myself to stop feeling so guilty and taking on perceived fake pressure, and to have a bath. Did, felt better, calmed down, too tired to do much packing, so painted nails, did hair, cooked, and then went to bed.
B had issues with me going to bed at 10pm, in the form of looking miffed - addressed this straight away with him very directly. Yes I may be a pain in the arse at the moment, but let's go for communication not silent treatment or glances that need to be read. **Another example of strength coming out this week - here and with Jay night before** Talked it through and yet again tried to explain what stress does to me, and how energetically it's hard being drained during the day and elated at night, body mind a little out of kilter. Yes it comes back to stress and why I get so stressed at work, so agreeing that it's silly and need to let it lie, but equally asking him to be patient until next month when all is changing. He says there is no need to apologise, but I am explaining I understand I'm being a nightmare at the moment and it's confusing for him. He is not doing anything wrong, but I'm battling between wanting to spend time with him and needing sleep - body aching, mind focusing on good stuff. I do feel bad for him in this situation - I'd feel like I was with a neurotic maniac too, but I think provided we keep up the communication things will be okay. I appreciate how patient he is being, which is becoming saintly, but also need him to communicate when things are bothering him - same medicine for me, which I feel I'm doing of late.
Went to sleep around 11pm in the end, woke up at 3am feeling like I've been on a deep one (wahoo), then light sleep until 7am, but better than nothing. Body feels like it could go into freeze mode easily, but I'm just going to take it easy and keep envisioning the move and how the living room is going to look with all the new things etc.. things to look forward to.
Also MV may have the room - would be a result to share the house with someone as big a kid as me, and with such a creative core, and one that loves chickens too.
Things coming together, just need to keep smiling and focusing on the light at the end of the tunnel.
May I have the strength and patience to work through until the end of the month without fear, please please please.. got to get through in so many ways..
Pissed off as 1) guilt because I know we all have been slacking a little in the last week, 2) annoyed that agreements weren't stuck to (we agreed call stats would be sent out by CF every day/every week and it hasn't happened past a week), 3) it made AG go into righteous mode (wants to get into management, so brown-nosing), 4) annoyed that I care and annoyed that it affected the office mood so drastically.
So what did I do to counteract this? I didn't.. I felt myself taking on the serious frowning quietening energy of 'we've done bad' and slipped back into fear mode, of not wanting to be there. Trying to fight it, but nervous anxiety again of I'm going to get into trouble, so avoidance tactics, and keeping ultra busy beyond my means - stomach tension, hyper vigilence, and forcing myself to do work I don't want to do.
And with 15 days left, why do I even care?
Part of me wants to do the best job I can, and another part of me just wants to say f**k it and get over the fear of being punished. But I want to do the best for CF, and somehow despite this being about working for myself because I choose, there is a contract, and I have an agreement to work. I clearly have ripped up this agreement and am finally making a shift away from it, but still doesn't prevent me from feeling the need to do the best, for Chris.
Is this where the serenity prayer comes in? I'm trying to do this for Chris, for the company, not for me. If I can reason with myself and make it about me, or the exchange of energy then perhaps I can persuade myself to do half way house - working without getting overly stressed. Really don't like this though - really want all passions to be focussed on the task, or may as well not bother.
Work life was so much easier earlier in the week - I felt happier, more myself, because pressure was taken off. In an instant it's like it's been put back on, but it's up to me whether I accept it, take it on board, or shrug it off smiling. I soo want to be able to do the latter, and this is going to be my choice. Anyone else I speak to says 'why do you even care - you're leaving!' and yet my moral compass says this isn't good enough. Bottom line - this is about my health now, so I am going to shrug it off for the sake of my nerves, my body, my emotions, and my mind. I need a break, so I will do things gently or not at all. If this isn't good enough, well they will have to tell me, and I'll leave early. With 3 weeks to go and me training the newbie, that isn't going to happen, so I"m there for 3 weeks handing over, and will leave them in the best possible situation, but this doesn't mean I have to kill myself physically and all the rest of it. It's just a job. It's just stuff Elisa. It doesn't matter. You're not harming anyone but yourself, so STOP.
Got home last night feeling overwhelmed, B there painting - felt panic as 'more to do more to do, I can't rest' etc etc but forced myself to stop feeling so guilty and taking on perceived fake pressure, and to have a bath. Did, felt better, calmed down, too tired to do much packing, so painted nails, did hair, cooked, and then went to bed.
B had issues with me going to bed at 10pm, in the form of looking miffed - addressed this straight away with him very directly. Yes I may be a pain in the arse at the moment, but let's go for communication not silent treatment or glances that need to be read. **Another example of strength coming out this week - here and with Jay night before** Talked it through and yet again tried to explain what stress does to me, and how energetically it's hard being drained during the day and elated at night, body mind a little out of kilter. Yes it comes back to stress and why I get so stressed at work, so agreeing that it's silly and need to let it lie, but equally asking him to be patient until next month when all is changing. He says there is no need to apologise, but I am explaining I understand I'm being a nightmare at the moment and it's confusing for him. He is not doing anything wrong, but I'm battling between wanting to spend time with him and needing sleep - body aching, mind focusing on good stuff. I do feel bad for him in this situation - I'd feel like I was with a neurotic maniac too, but I think provided we keep up the communication things will be okay. I appreciate how patient he is being, which is becoming saintly, but also need him to communicate when things are bothering him - same medicine for me, which I feel I'm doing of late.
Went to sleep around 11pm in the end, woke up at 3am feeling like I've been on a deep one (wahoo), then light sleep until 7am, but better than nothing. Body feels like it could go into freeze mode easily, but I'm just going to take it easy and keep envisioning the move and how the living room is going to look with all the new things etc.. things to look forward to.
Also MV may have the room - would be a result to share the house with someone as big a kid as me, and with such a creative core, and one that loves chickens too.
Things coming together, just need to keep smiling and focusing on the light at the end of the tunnel.
May I have the strength and patience to work through until the end of the month without fear, please please please.. got to get through in so many ways..