Thuja 1M
Yesterday, and after all day being numb in stomach w/ no sugar for most of the week, strikes me it doesn't make that much difference, so sod it, went for the chocolate. Not the best move but felt compelled. Thuja bringing up stuff no doubt.
Felt numb, raw, not good enough yesterday eve, but could focus on work because body wasn't involved - sanded skirting boards, painted undercoat and varnished cupboards. Was there until 10.40 as was B working on mungo's cage.
Got home, had run me a bath. Mind switched on, body not present. But easier on mind due to thuja - could direct focus to body if needed to calm. Was 11.30 and B on couch. Part of me arising that he can forget sex right now - too tired. And is being 'too tired' enough? Last week it would have been is this really tiredness, or is this me pulling away, hiding. Don't care, last night I had overdone things, my fault yes, but equally we've been at the house DIYing until late, so no, I'm not wanting to stay up for another hour, and god only knows if my body would have been able to feel anything. So not ideal, but equally justified. Let's not beat myself up for it hey.
Re the fear on opening up with him about all of this, part of me saying it will be all okay, just wait until next month and take care of myself. The other side says 'you don't know what you've got til it's gone' and make the most of the present moment. Both are right. Next month should be easier, but that doesn't mean I quit right here right now. Need to take better care of myself, but that in turn means not beating myself up for not doing as well as I potentially could have done.
Temptation to go exercising or long walks today but body needs rest, and there should be no shame or guilt in that. Plan to go to house straight after work, do skirting boards with top coat, and come home, bath, massage, paint nails, sleep. Anything and all pampering - no reading, no mental work, all body..