*Reminder post*: Headley Higher Self
Always asking who says. Who's questioning plagues my mind?
Angry at having been scolded for just being, just existing, just doing my thing which was nothing. Was never allowed to be. And it wasn't right. It wasn't fair. I know you meant the best but you scarred me and scared me. I know it was with good intention but it hurt D. It hurt to feel alone. It hurt to not be hugged. It hurt to not be given the space to just be. It was frustrating. I couldn't escape. I had nowhere to let it out because I was never taught how. So scared that if I let go I'd be quietened and silenced. Ushered away like a problem. I didn't have any way of coping. I wrote to myself, the pages were the only ones that seemed to listen. I felt noone heard me. Angry for feeling so alone. Angry for you being angry at me when I did nothing wrong. I daren't cry in front of you because you'll panic and try to fix me. But it wasn't fair. You used me as bait. You used me as the go-between. You put me in the middle to fix problems when they weren't mine. And you made me feel like the whole world was on my shoulders, that I was responsible for everything, and even for being born. And I had nowhere to go, all caged within, all blocked, all swallowed. What could I do? Where could I go?
And if it wasn't enough that you gave me silent responsibility for you, you then gave me more responsibility for myself.
How to stress someone out. How to put so much pressure on them they don't know how to survive here. Their only means of escape (mistake typo) is into their head. How can a child endure so much pressure? Noone to turn to, noone to trust, noone believes her, noone wants to know, all alone with so much pain & frustration inside, and so much guilt for feeling that it is all her fault. Why should she bother being here at all when everything she does is wrong, never enough, and is all her responsibility. And did you ever stop to ask her how she felt and provide space for the answer? Was it too painful for you to hear the truth you knew deep down? Was it too painful to hear it from the victim that you punished and felt guilty for, but defended yourselves by putting more guilt on her? And you knew that she was probably intelligent enough to know that it wasn't her fault and that she could deal with it. You moulded her into a being that did absorb troubles, that did mediate the conversations, that mediated peace and was looked upon for guidance. You moulded her into your saviour, whilst she screamed inside. And she gave so much away because she didn't have a choice. She was forced against her will. Scarred. Scared.
And because she couldn't let any anger out, she forced it down deep. She, as you'd expect, became angry with herself. Why couldn't she resolve the problems? Why couldn't she make it all okay? Why did she have to make it okay? Why can't they make it okay? Why do I have to be the parent? They're telling me I can't do anything, and yet asking me for answers for themselves. Put me down and then take my knowledge?
Maybe if I try harder it will be okay. I can't even try because everything I do is wrong. I can't even focus or be here. I don't exist. It's just me. Even a dog gets more love than me. I get something if I work for it, if I prove myself. Can't get anything without proving myself. Conditional love, and not sure it's even love, it's a process to get through the day.
And you. Teach me to take sides. How dare you. How dare you. How dare you do that to him, how dare you do that to me. And such jealously comes from you. You belittle me in front of guests for your amusement, and for your insecurities. You make me feel smaller than small. If I didn't exit already I certainly don't exist now....
*But again, I keep the peace to save you from really drowning. I could kill you in a flick of the emotional dagger, I could open you up for all to see, exposed, naked and raw, and so pityful in your openness, and then you'd be sorry. Then you'd question what you had done and felt forever remorseful. You'd beg forgiveness, and see that it's questionable whether you deserve it. But I wouldn't do that to you or anyone because I am above that. Because the greatest pride I can take with me is to be able to stand and walk away. To not belittle anyone else for their misgivings. But consider this a warning. Consider this a warning that if you don't stop what you are doing, then you shall be bit. That you shall have a knock back. That you shall have a signal to stop. Don't force me to deliver it. I have a boundary and you're always so very close to the mark of breaking it, but don't think it isn't there, because you will feel it should you trespass, one toe over the line with your cheekiness and you will get a lesson served. So yes this is a warning to you. Don't play with fire. Don't jest and don't use excuses. Watch yourself, and I will forever protect you. Be careless and you will be reminded. And certainly don't take one more step over the edge of Dad's barrier. Because I can also be a defender, and when defence comes, so does sparring. You put me in the moral role, I can use to advantage. Careful what you create. You create someone wise and responsible then expect it back. She will mirror you, but it can be ugly to look in the mirror can't it? So choose how you approach that mirror. Treat well, see beauty, and she will shine and reward you*
....And how do you think that makes me feel?
It makes me feel totally abandoned. So just wanting to be told it's okay, it's not my fault, it's not my responsibility, it's okay to let go, you don't have to hold onto that anymore because it's okay now. Leave it sweetie, let it go. It's not your job anymore, and you did such a marvellous job, but you don't have to do that anymore. Time has come.
And you never knew did you, that there were so many other lost abandoned children in the world, that also felt so alone. You never knew that one day you'd connect with them, that they'd be your family. That they always had been there at the same time, somewhere else, and you'd never been alone, and they knew exactly how you felt, because they were too, in spirit. And one day you'd being to no longer feel like an outsider in a confusing scary world. You'd feel safe to be as you are.
You're pretty amazing you know that? You're strong. Takes amazing strength to be able to hold that for so long, and not let it out, to have anyone's shoulder, and few ears to listen. And doing all that whilst doing all the other normal things . An amazing amount of stress for one person to handle. And you never gave up. You kept on trying. Even when times were toughest and you could have cried yourself raw, you never let yourself just stop the fight. You vowed never to and you stuck to your word. And how immensely wise and powerful to be able to do that at that age all by yourself. How strong to be able to console yourself and be your own parent in those moments. To tell yourself the things that you needed to hear to stay here, that it will be okay.
And you never gave yourself credit for doing that. You could never see it through such strong eyes. Afraid perhaps to see the beauty that you were. Afraid to actually be something. Maybe because you were scared it could be taken away. That experiencing that pain ever again would be too much. Or to be told that the one secret dream wasn't true. To have that smashed would be the end of everything you ever hoped. So you were wise to keep it safe, to keep it secret, to hold onto it. You were wise not to share it with others, so they didn't take it away from you.
And even so called friends pushed you away. Very few could understand connect, and you know who those people were. They could see you within and recognised you. You knew you recognised something within them too, you just weren't sure what is was, but it was something special, something that other people didn't see, they only saw the outsides, the prejudice, the judgement of what it seemed. And you became confused. Confused my everyone but few telling you how bad it all was, when you couldn't see what was bad about it, but it must be bad if everyone is telling you this. But it did make you wonder. It did make you wonder why it was so bad from every angle. And it's like store it away. Store that wonder until you find an answer. Curiousity, inquisitiveness. Something's nicely amiss. Still have to keep my head down and keep schtum, but there's something new there, a spark, a piece of light shining through the canvass.
What if?
*So what are you going to do? Make me do what? Frustrating that I am your not your joystick play thing anymore is it? Have to make your own decisions now do you? Have to carry some responsibility do we? Oh and by the way - the money carrot. Well as tempting and as beautiful as it is, I have another carrot I'm striving for, so thanks, I appreciate it, but it's not about that anymore.
I see it how it is. It can be painful. I don't want to blame, but it's important to take responsibility. The sooner you learn this the better. If you can't learn it yourself and it affects me, I will help you learn it quicker.
**Confusion over patient therapist relationship. Trying to adopt this in everyday life with ppl, but doesn't work. Not everyone is asking for guidance so don't give it. Not everyone is seeking help. If they do, they will ask, until that time, assuming they're not, and only say things which come up at the time. If they are asking for help, then they must be open to hearing the answers - you're asking By for help, so be open to receiving. You ask for guidance so be open. You ask for all these things, you can have them, but be open. The only person that stands between you and receiving is you. Stand aside. You do deserve it. Stop punishing yourself for wanting these things. Stop feeling like you have to do everything, you don't have to do anything, but be open. Let go. Trust. Know that you will be held, you are safe. The space will be held for you.
Above all do what makes you happy, listen to yourself, feel yourself, don't ignore yourself. Give yourself time. No rush anymore, no pressure anymore of those things. You can let go of them, they're being dealt with. They can't come in here. This is your space, your place. No intrusions.
And change the things you don't like.
Work gets you immediately tense - trust yourself.
Such a continual want to run & hide. Don't hide yourself from others. Let yourself be as you are. No need to hide anymore. No need to be ashamed. Be as you are. Don't let their issues become yours. Push them back, or don't push at all.
And I know it's hard not to run and cling to the love that's being offered. But just accept it from all sources, not just one. Open up to more, know that you will supported by more and in so doing support others. You know the people that can help and support you, let them in.