Unusual coincidence...
I havent eaten shepards pie in 14 years.. seems unusual to know that about myself I know but there is definelty a reason for this. back when i was 12 my grandfather was dying of kidney cancer. On march 12th after school got out we went to my grandparents house where he was. Lying there in the big mechanical hospital bed in the living room he was barely concious, my whole family was there, my mother had us kiss him and hug him and say goodbye, I will always remeber that moment, although I am sure i didnt really understand it at the time. I hugged him and kissed him and was treated to him opening his eyes for me, the first time in a long time, he recognized me and smiled, then we left. we were sent to my uncles inlaws in the next town. we watched tv and did homework and just played. we sat down to dinner that night with the inlaws. She had made shepards pie. I dont ever really remember what it tasted like or if i liked it or not. rather tasteless concotion really, halfway into dinner the phone rang and the news arrived that my grandfather has passed on. I dont really know why i felt the need to reject every aspect of that dinner but i did. never to eat shepards pie or go to that house again. irrelevant as that story may seem 14 years later.... I was in Trader Joes the other day, just browsing the prepared food section, ya know looking for stuff to take to work with me that would be easy. I stumbled upon a few options, one being a rather interesting looking shepards pie, hell just heat and eat. In my business that is all that is really required to make the meal good. anyways i grabbed the stuff, and of course forgot to throw it into my bag as i fumbled towards work on monday morning.
Jump back in time a bit to this past saturday. I was sitting at my computer feeling bad for myself in that self absorbed sort of way i have been lately. when up pops my father online. I cant really explain everything that is wrong with the relationship i have with my father in this journal but suffice to say we dont talk much. He works at foxwoods and I really really want tickets to a concert that is coming and is also sold out. I figured i could see what he knew about it. we chit chatted and compared lives for a while . no dice with the tickets by the way. damn. Towards the end of the converstation he happened to mention that his mother wasnt doing so hot in the nursing home that she has been at for several years.
I havent seen my grandmother-his mother- since i was in fourth grade. she used to come ever summer and spend time with us. taking us to the beach and the park and out to eat and have fun. she loved us and would always bring big bags of presents. she was the kind of grandparent that other kids had. my mothers parents as wonderful and perfect as they were, were the kind that took care of us every day, you know second parents to us. she was the mystery the big present bringing once a year kind of grandparent. she was cool . when i was in fourth grade we changed our last name, we wanted to be like our mother, and our grandparents. the family that loved us and were there every day. I cant imagine keeping a last name that matched a man that didnt have anything to do with me. the summer vacation present bringing grandma couldnt deal with that. she stopped coming, stopped calling. never saw or talked to us again. she broke my heart into a million pieces. i was 9 years old and she stomped on my heart.
Being told that she was dying wasnt really a big surprise. I knew her health had been failing for several years. she had been in a nursing home for a long while, dementia and stroke and other such elderly diseases. I deal with this stuff every day. But to be told that it was jsut a matter of days or hours even was a strange feeling. it would have been insanely dishonest to jump in my truck and race down there movie style to profess my undying love and forgiveness for the indiscretion. Not that she would have known me anyways. The other incredible wrongness was that i wasnt even really sure how i felt about the whole situation. rather emotionless actually.
I got home from work this morning and was tired.. we were up quite a bit last night. hungry and cranky with lots to do for the birthday and not a lot of energy to do it with. had a fantastic phone conversation for much longer than i should have.. hung up and went in search of food and a shower. there was the shepards pie. heat and eat baby. threw it into the oven hopped in the shower and the phone rang.
"hello"
"hi elisabeth..?"
"yes"
"hi its Mo... well my mother passed away around 10:00 this morning."
"oh i am sorry."
"its ok, dont be we knew it was going to happen."
"yeah"
"yeah"
the conversation picked up from there. he told me about what happened and the things the hospice nurses had said. I explained some medical stuff to him. we talked about some other things and then he hung up. that is when the buzzer on the oven went off. that is when i realized the horrible coincidence of the stupid meal i was about to eat. why did i avoid this seemingly harmless meal for so long? and why did i decide it was ok this week of all weeks? one may never know. I know that the food doesnt really mean anything . I havent really delved into my feelings about the whole situation yet. there is so much more to write about her. but for now i just wanted to record the irony in this day. heres to another 14 years.....
Jump back in time a bit to this past saturday. I was sitting at my computer feeling bad for myself in that self absorbed sort of way i have been lately. when up pops my father online. I cant really explain everything that is wrong with the relationship i have with my father in this journal but suffice to say we dont talk much. He works at foxwoods and I really really want tickets to a concert that is coming and is also sold out. I figured i could see what he knew about it. we chit chatted and compared lives for a while . no dice with the tickets by the way. damn. Towards the end of the converstation he happened to mention that his mother wasnt doing so hot in the nursing home that she has been at for several years.
I havent seen my grandmother-his mother- since i was in fourth grade. she used to come ever summer and spend time with us. taking us to the beach and the park and out to eat and have fun. she loved us and would always bring big bags of presents. she was the kind of grandparent that other kids had. my mothers parents as wonderful and perfect as they were, were the kind that took care of us every day, you know second parents to us. she was the mystery the big present bringing once a year kind of grandparent. she was cool . when i was in fourth grade we changed our last name, we wanted to be like our mother, and our grandparents. the family that loved us and were there every day. I cant imagine keeping a last name that matched a man that didnt have anything to do with me. the summer vacation present bringing grandma couldnt deal with that. she stopped coming, stopped calling. never saw or talked to us again. she broke my heart into a million pieces. i was 9 years old and she stomped on my heart.
Being told that she was dying wasnt really a big surprise. I knew her health had been failing for several years. she had been in a nursing home for a long while, dementia and stroke and other such elderly diseases. I deal with this stuff every day. But to be told that it was jsut a matter of days or hours even was a strange feeling. it would have been insanely dishonest to jump in my truck and race down there movie style to profess my undying love and forgiveness for the indiscretion. Not that she would have known me anyways. The other incredible wrongness was that i wasnt even really sure how i felt about the whole situation. rather emotionless actually.
I got home from work this morning and was tired.. we were up quite a bit last night. hungry and cranky with lots to do for the birthday and not a lot of energy to do it with. had a fantastic phone conversation for much longer than i should have.. hung up and went in search of food and a shower. there was the shepards pie. heat and eat baby. threw it into the oven hopped in the shower and the phone rang.
"hello"
"hi elisabeth..?"
"yes"
"hi its Mo... well my mother passed away around 10:00 this morning."
"oh i am sorry."
"its ok, dont be we knew it was going to happen."
"yeah"
"yeah"
the conversation picked up from there. he told me about what happened and the things the hospice nurses had said. I explained some medical stuff to him. we talked about some other things and then he hung up. that is when the buzzer on the oven went off. that is when i realized the horrible coincidence of the stupid meal i was about to eat. why did i avoid this seemingly harmless meal for so long? and why did i decide it was ok this week of all weeks? one may never know. I know that the food doesnt really mean anything . I havent really delved into my feelings about the whole situation yet. there is so much more to write about her. but for now i just wanted to record the irony in this day. heres to another 14 years.....