i'm getting my life on track.
it's taken 23 years, but i'm finally getting there.
i'm in Van Buren, Arkansas right now, sitting back in a chair that's not mine, typing away on a computer that's not mine, and i can't help but feel a sense of satisfaction.
no, i didn't break into somebody's house, kill them, then use their shit. heh, i'm actually at a friend's place right now.
and as my usual, yes, things have been weird since i last wrote. c'mon people, there's often a pattern here, though i'm actually confident my life will slowly calm itself down some.
i last left off leaving a rather ragged update, in which i didn't go into too much detail. i can only hope that won't happen for a while, since i'll have internet access for the time being. i was still somewhat angry over the whole drama with Kristin, even though i sounded as if i weren't, and was pissed off at Karyn. go figure, the two, or three things in my life that had been on the top of my list. what the fuck was i thinking?
this year, though it's been rough, has been better. i have gone through hell and back, only to come out in the win. and i mean that personally and financially.
since last August, i continued to work my ass off in Fort Smith. i was working 24 hour shifts back to back, but i eventually had that downgraded to only 80 hours a week. i work sixty of that with my full time client, Jody, who finally got his apartment around September of last year. i was able to stay in Fort Smith during the week, including being able to sleep on the couch at the apartment complex i worked at on my nights off. it sucked, but it was a place to sleep at. and, i was still pulling in massive paychecks, regardless of the slow torture i didn't realize my sanity had been suffering.
i did take a break in October to go to Banner War for the first time, and had a lot of fun. i joined a fighting company called the Saracens, and have enjoyed it since then. i have been unable to keep up constant contact due to my work schedule, though i plan on fixing that very, very soon. around this time, i had also been on the verge of finally being able to move to Fort Smith, or Van Buren, so i could be closer to work. around this time, though, Karyn had flown the coop and was in Fayetteville. she heard of how i was leaving, and made an effort to talk me out of it. unfortunately, i was stupid enough to listen to her horseshit. bad mistake on my part. i ended up giving in to her screaming, and moved to Fayetteville, only because she wanted me to, and i couldn't say no.
i am now in the process of fixing that....i'll get to that later.
during this time, too, i had been battling another problem, as far as my romance side went. i had been sleeping with a friend of mine, who i won't mention, though i will say it was with a dude. i had also slept with a guy during Banner War. yes, i was drunk, but i had lost control of myself, along with myself confidence. i was STILL dealing with rejection from past bitches, including Kristin, and had lost all faith in women. for a while there, i thought i would be better off with guys, though i knew deep down in my heart, it wasn't right. there was nothing there. why was i doing this to myself, and why was i doing this to these dudes? it was stupid! i was being stupid!
once i admitted this to myself, i sought out a fellow co-worker who, unbeknownst to me, was having some confidence problems of her own. she led me on, then dropped a bomb. i wanted to kill her, but did tell myself that even though this had happened, i came out better because i knew damn well that yes, i'm as crooked as a mountain highway. there was no denying the fact that i love women, and i can't run from it.
so, (and this'll loop around back to the women thing as well) several months ago, Jody and i stumbled onto an actual Amtgard park in Fort Smith. needless to say, we were both stoked. i've gotten Jody into Amtgard, so it worked for both of us. i work on park days, so i could take Jody to play Amtgard and still get paid for it. it freakin rules, let me tell ya.
this past December, i ran into an old friend, Andrew. i played with him a long time ago when i went to Little Rock for Amtgard. and believe me, this was back in 2004 sometime, before the park moved to its new location. soon after running into him, i was immediately asking about his sister, Vanessa. i remember meeting Vanessa so long ago, and recalled that not only did we get along well the few times i saw her, but that i actually wanted to date her.
i was able to talk to her not too long after i met back up with Andrew. she sounded as bubbly and out-spoken as i remembered. and just two weeks later, i saw her at the park for the first time in nearly two years. i held on tight as we hugged.......she held on longer. there was something different about that hug.
we got together the next night. she was in Rogers, with Andrew, finishing up celebrating Christmas early. i invited her over to my place to hang out. Karyn was out of town, so it'd be perfect. i'd have the whole house to myself. it couldn't have been any better.
she came over to give me a massage and us just catch up. (she's done massage for....ever. she's damn good too). during that massage session, things got a little....intimate.
Vanessa finished the session, but.....then began to work herself onto me.
well, i certainly couldn't help myself from that. i was scared, yes, because at the time, i had NO idea she was into girls. but she made that very clear that she is as soon as her soft lips hit mine. i was freakin' putty in her arms.....and it just continued on from there.
we have been dating since then. and i couldn't be any happier. finally, i'm dating somebody who actually loves me back, and isn't some damn bi-curious straight girl....as Vanessa would so promptly put it. i'm so excstatic over the whole deal, i can't believe it at times. she's a great person, and to know that i found somebody, even when i wasn't looking, is probably the best thing that has ever happened to me. hell, she rather found me i suppose. our relationship was meant to be, and i only say this because not only did i have an interest in her a long time ago, she did as well, except she was dating a guy at the time (she's had self confidence problems as well). Vanessa has actually thought i was really cool, but never said anything about it. i guess it was only going to be a matter of time before the right time came to be for us both. and it couldn't have been at a better time.
our relationship has started off a little rocky, but it's been in both our best interest. i have finally realized lately that i have been investing so much time and energy into Karyn, work, and everything else that not only am i spreading myself thin, but i'm not even spending a good chunk of that on this girl that i'm madly in love with, and had a previous crush on. thank God for Vanessa, let me tell you. she fucking woke me up and shook me out of this pattern i have let myself be in for 23 years. and she's not trying to manipulate me into just funneling my life directly to her....she simply wanted to be a top priority, but not last on my list. and she's right. i can't continue thinking that even though everything else seems okay, it doesn't mean it is okay. that's why i haven't totally walked away from Karyn's bullshit, that's why i haven't told work to leave me the fuck alone and quit ruling my life, that's why i had lost my self confidence for a while there, and that's why i hadn't realized that i can't fucking be expected to take care of everything for everybody. i'm going to fucking fall apart here!
so for now, i'm focusing on me, and Vanessa. and that's how it's going to fucking be. i love this woman, and all i want to do is just spend time with her, and do good for her.
hate to end this short, but i have to catch up with an old friend. i'll continue this later, and i swear to God, it won't be in six months.
i'm in Van Buren, Arkansas right now, sitting back in a chair that's not mine, typing away on a computer that's not mine, and i can't help but feel a sense of satisfaction.
no, i didn't break into somebody's house, kill them, then use their shit. heh, i'm actually at a friend's place right now.
and as my usual, yes, things have been weird since i last wrote. c'mon people, there's often a pattern here, though i'm actually confident my life will slowly calm itself down some.
i last left off leaving a rather ragged update, in which i didn't go into too much detail. i can only hope that won't happen for a while, since i'll have internet access for the time being. i was still somewhat angry over the whole drama with Kristin, even though i sounded as if i weren't, and was pissed off at Karyn. go figure, the two, or three things in my life that had been on the top of my list. what the fuck was i thinking?
this year, though it's been rough, has been better. i have gone through hell and back, only to come out in the win. and i mean that personally and financially.
since last August, i continued to work my ass off in Fort Smith. i was working 24 hour shifts back to back, but i eventually had that downgraded to only 80 hours a week. i work sixty of that with my full time client, Jody, who finally got his apartment around September of last year. i was able to stay in Fort Smith during the week, including being able to sleep on the couch at the apartment complex i worked at on my nights off. it sucked, but it was a place to sleep at. and, i was still pulling in massive paychecks, regardless of the slow torture i didn't realize my sanity had been suffering.
i did take a break in October to go to Banner War for the first time, and had a lot of fun. i joined a fighting company called the Saracens, and have enjoyed it since then. i have been unable to keep up constant contact due to my work schedule, though i plan on fixing that very, very soon. around this time, i had also been on the verge of finally being able to move to Fort Smith, or Van Buren, so i could be closer to work. around this time, though, Karyn had flown the coop and was in Fayetteville. she heard of how i was leaving, and made an effort to talk me out of it. unfortunately, i was stupid enough to listen to her horseshit. bad mistake on my part. i ended up giving in to her screaming, and moved to Fayetteville, only because she wanted me to, and i couldn't say no.
i am now in the process of fixing that....i'll get to that later.
during this time, too, i had been battling another problem, as far as my romance side went. i had been sleeping with a friend of mine, who i won't mention, though i will say it was with a dude. i had also slept with a guy during Banner War. yes, i was drunk, but i had lost control of myself, along with myself confidence. i was STILL dealing with rejection from past bitches, including Kristin, and had lost all faith in women. for a while there, i thought i would be better off with guys, though i knew deep down in my heart, it wasn't right. there was nothing there. why was i doing this to myself, and why was i doing this to these dudes? it was stupid! i was being stupid!
once i admitted this to myself, i sought out a fellow co-worker who, unbeknownst to me, was having some confidence problems of her own. she led me on, then dropped a bomb. i wanted to kill her, but did tell myself that even though this had happened, i came out better because i knew damn well that yes, i'm as crooked as a mountain highway. there was no denying the fact that i love women, and i can't run from it.
so, (and this'll loop around back to the women thing as well) several months ago, Jody and i stumbled onto an actual Amtgard park in Fort Smith. needless to say, we were both stoked. i've gotten Jody into Amtgard, so it worked for both of us. i work on park days, so i could take Jody to play Amtgard and still get paid for it. it freakin rules, let me tell ya.
this past December, i ran into an old friend, Andrew. i played with him a long time ago when i went to Little Rock for Amtgard. and believe me, this was back in 2004 sometime, before the park moved to its new location. soon after running into him, i was immediately asking about his sister, Vanessa. i remember meeting Vanessa so long ago, and recalled that not only did we get along well the few times i saw her, but that i actually wanted to date her.
i was able to talk to her not too long after i met back up with Andrew. she sounded as bubbly and out-spoken as i remembered. and just two weeks later, i saw her at the park for the first time in nearly two years. i held on tight as we hugged.......she held on longer. there was something different about that hug.
we got together the next night. she was in Rogers, with Andrew, finishing up celebrating Christmas early. i invited her over to my place to hang out. Karyn was out of town, so it'd be perfect. i'd have the whole house to myself. it couldn't have been any better.
she came over to give me a massage and us just catch up. (she's done massage for....ever. she's damn good too). during that massage session, things got a little....intimate.
Vanessa finished the session, but.....then began to work herself onto me.
well, i certainly couldn't help myself from that. i was scared, yes, because at the time, i had NO idea she was into girls. but she made that very clear that she is as soon as her soft lips hit mine. i was freakin' putty in her arms.....and it just continued on from there.
we have been dating since then. and i couldn't be any happier. finally, i'm dating somebody who actually loves me back, and isn't some damn bi-curious straight girl....as Vanessa would so promptly put it. i'm so excstatic over the whole deal, i can't believe it at times. she's a great person, and to know that i found somebody, even when i wasn't looking, is probably the best thing that has ever happened to me. hell, she rather found me i suppose. our relationship was meant to be, and i only say this because not only did i have an interest in her a long time ago, she did as well, except she was dating a guy at the time (she's had self confidence problems as well). Vanessa has actually thought i was really cool, but never said anything about it. i guess it was only going to be a matter of time before the right time came to be for us both. and it couldn't have been at a better time.
our relationship has started off a little rocky, but it's been in both our best interest. i have finally realized lately that i have been investing so much time and energy into Karyn, work, and everything else that not only am i spreading myself thin, but i'm not even spending a good chunk of that on this girl that i'm madly in love with, and had a previous crush on. thank God for Vanessa, let me tell you. she fucking woke me up and shook me out of this pattern i have let myself be in for 23 years. and she's not trying to manipulate me into just funneling my life directly to her....she simply wanted to be a top priority, but not last on my list. and she's right. i can't continue thinking that even though everything else seems okay, it doesn't mean it is okay. that's why i haven't totally walked away from Karyn's bullshit, that's why i haven't told work to leave me the fuck alone and quit ruling my life, that's why i had lost my self confidence for a while there, and that's why i hadn't realized that i can't fucking be expected to take care of everything for everybody. i'm going to fucking fall apart here!
so for now, i'm focusing on me, and Vanessa. and that's how it's going to fucking be. i love this woman, and all i want to do is just spend time with her, and do good for her.
hate to end this short, but i have to catch up with an old friend. i'll continue this later, and i swear to God, it won't be in six months.