all went great until that one little thing....
i have a good excuse why i haven't been on here for nearly three months.
Bost.
my job has been killing me.....almost literally, among other things interfering. i've had about five days off since the first of December, and i'm not kidding. one of those days i had to really bitch for. my job has been taking up so much of my time, that i've barely had time for myself, let alone other hobbies and whatnot i need to catch up on.
Karyn and i are speaking, believe it or not. she once again e-mailed me, trying to at least bargain some sort of way to talk to me again. it was the day before Christmas, and i was in Alma (just east of Fort Smith) on a long job for Bost. i decided to go ahead and break the ice a little, even though i replied, saying that even if we didn't want to be sisters again, that it was no big deal. i didn't expect anything, and honestly, i don't think i wanted to, but i went ahead with it anyway.
i have to say, we've been doing okay. Karyn has changed.....there is something different about her. and this isn't like all the other times where we've stopped talking to each other, and then she'd beg me to come back...no. no....i can see a change in her. i'm not kidding....i know when somebody's personality has done a 180. Karyn seems much happier.....she's doing okay. not only has she dropped a ton of weight (which is really good for her) but she seems to have dropped many issues that stressed her out. i'm happy to see that, too.
Kristin and i have been doing fine....well....so i hope. i am greatful that we're friends again, but there's something about her that i haven't really spoken up about in a while. i don't think i've written about it on this journal; i'm sure i have in my personal one.
i've said this before, Kristin has changed. i figure that people do tend to change over time, but there are some good things and soem bad things about this odd transition. *shakes head*
we had an argument today. and it sucks that it happened, because we were really enjoying each others company while Kristin took her lunch break. it's an awesome day out, we were both in a chipper mood, and we both took a walk at a park in Dardanelle. when i took Kristin back to her work place, we began to talk about Spring War. granted, my mind was in another direction as she talked to me about how us two and other people would convoy to the event, so i ended up asking her things that she had just told me. i've had a lot on my mind lately.....i think it's because of work...i can't seem to focus on much.
what really killed the conversation, and ultimately pissed Kristin off, was the fact that some of the peeps on the convoy would probably be smoking pot on the way there. Kristin went on about how we'd rotate, so that they wouldn't be doing that in my car, since she knows that i can't stand that shit. i flat out said that if they were going to be doing that, then i just don't want them in my car at all, especially if they were going to be high. Kristin god mad, saying that it was ridiculous for me to be saying that; she ended up calling me a bigot and just stopped talking to me in the car. ......she doesn't understand that i don't want to have anything to do with that shit. and with my luck, i could get pulled over on the way there, and if those people are in my car and test positive for that stuff, then they could get in a lot of trouble, i could get in trouble, and i don't want that for anybody. and besides, i want to avoid being around it as much as possible. i can't stand the smell, it fucks you up worse than anything, and it's illegal. i realize this is coming from somebody who drinks, but i'm even starting to wean myself off of that.
you know, i'll go out and do stupid shit, but i draw the line when it comes to drugs. and i hate to see Kristin getting herself into that. she's been starting to smoke it more often than not.....*sigh*. i just don't know what to think about it. not only that, but....i've said this before, but Kristin just isn't the same. she isn't as loving as she used to be. and i don't mean that in any sort of wrong way, i just mean she's just.....there were things that she used to do that she won't do anymore. little things, to show me that she was my closest friend. now, i think she's too wrapped up in her own self, her boyfriend, and occational drags off a joint.
if she and Richard do move out to a friends' parents' land....i don't think i'll be seeing much of her afterward. i wish she'd change her tune, just for her own sake.....but i don't think i'll be able to see that happening anytime soon. and even if iwe begin to not see much when and if she moves out to Dover.....deep down, i don't think she'd really care. i've been avoiding saying that....but, there's a good chance it might happen. and it might happen because of my leaving. i've been teetering on packing up and leaving town sometime this year. i just can't seem to figure out what to do with myself, but as soon as i get my finances and job situation straightened out, i'm going to see about perhaps making a change of scenery. that solution might not lay in Fort Smith....but i think i need to be around more people like me. well, that doesn't necessarily pertain to other gay people, but just other weird peeps like myself....more artsy people i guess.
i've been fighting a strong sense of depression here for the last several months. i've been working too much, i've been prevented from doing the things i enjoy, i'm starting to wonder about Kristin, and i have GOT to get myself back into school. i'm going nowhere fast. i don't know what's holding me back.....but i have got to go somewhere this year. i sincerely think that if i just start putting my foot down about many issues, and start to focus on me (not to sound selfish) so that i can get rid of this lingering depression and get my life going. i'm an artist for Christ's sake, and it's about time i be a professional cartoonist and tell everybody else to kiss my ass!
Bost.
my job has been killing me.....almost literally, among other things interfering. i've had about five days off since the first of December, and i'm not kidding. one of those days i had to really bitch for. my job has been taking up so much of my time, that i've barely had time for myself, let alone other hobbies and whatnot i need to catch up on.
Karyn and i are speaking, believe it or not. she once again e-mailed me, trying to at least bargain some sort of way to talk to me again. it was the day before Christmas, and i was in Alma (just east of Fort Smith) on a long job for Bost. i decided to go ahead and break the ice a little, even though i replied, saying that even if we didn't want to be sisters again, that it was no big deal. i didn't expect anything, and honestly, i don't think i wanted to, but i went ahead with it anyway.
i have to say, we've been doing okay. Karyn has changed.....there is something different about her. and this isn't like all the other times where we've stopped talking to each other, and then she'd beg me to come back...no. no....i can see a change in her. i'm not kidding....i know when somebody's personality has done a 180. Karyn seems much happier.....she's doing okay. not only has she dropped a ton of weight (which is really good for her) but she seems to have dropped many issues that stressed her out. i'm happy to see that, too.
Kristin and i have been doing fine....well....so i hope. i am greatful that we're friends again, but there's something about her that i haven't really spoken up about in a while. i don't think i've written about it on this journal; i'm sure i have in my personal one.
i've said this before, Kristin has changed. i figure that people do tend to change over time, but there are some good things and soem bad things about this odd transition. *shakes head*
we had an argument today. and it sucks that it happened, because we were really enjoying each others company while Kristin took her lunch break. it's an awesome day out, we were both in a chipper mood, and we both took a walk at a park in Dardanelle. when i took Kristin back to her work place, we began to talk about Spring War. granted, my mind was in another direction as she talked to me about how us two and other people would convoy to the event, so i ended up asking her things that she had just told me. i've had a lot on my mind lately.....i think it's because of work...i can't seem to focus on much.
what really killed the conversation, and ultimately pissed Kristin off, was the fact that some of the peeps on the convoy would probably be smoking pot on the way there. Kristin went on about how we'd rotate, so that they wouldn't be doing that in my car, since she knows that i can't stand that shit. i flat out said that if they were going to be doing that, then i just don't want them in my car at all, especially if they were going to be high. Kristin god mad, saying that it was ridiculous for me to be saying that; she ended up calling me a bigot and just stopped talking to me in the car. ......she doesn't understand that i don't want to have anything to do with that shit. and with my luck, i could get pulled over on the way there, and if those people are in my car and test positive for that stuff, then they could get in a lot of trouble, i could get in trouble, and i don't want that for anybody. and besides, i want to avoid being around it as much as possible. i can't stand the smell, it fucks you up worse than anything, and it's illegal. i realize this is coming from somebody who drinks, but i'm even starting to wean myself off of that.
you know, i'll go out and do stupid shit, but i draw the line when it comes to drugs. and i hate to see Kristin getting herself into that. she's been starting to smoke it more often than not.....*sigh*. i just don't know what to think about it. not only that, but....i've said this before, but Kristin just isn't the same. she isn't as loving as she used to be. and i don't mean that in any sort of wrong way, i just mean she's just.....there were things that she used to do that she won't do anymore. little things, to show me that she was my closest friend. now, i think she's too wrapped up in her own self, her boyfriend, and occational drags off a joint.
if she and Richard do move out to a friends' parents' land....i don't think i'll be seeing much of her afterward. i wish she'd change her tune, just for her own sake.....but i don't think i'll be able to see that happening anytime soon. and even if iwe begin to not see much when and if she moves out to Dover.....deep down, i don't think she'd really care. i've been avoiding saying that....but, there's a good chance it might happen. and it might happen because of my leaving. i've been teetering on packing up and leaving town sometime this year. i just can't seem to figure out what to do with myself, but as soon as i get my finances and job situation straightened out, i'm going to see about perhaps making a change of scenery. that solution might not lay in Fort Smith....but i think i need to be around more people like me. well, that doesn't necessarily pertain to other gay people, but just other weird peeps like myself....more artsy people i guess.
i've been fighting a strong sense of depression here for the last several months. i've been working too much, i've been prevented from doing the things i enjoy, i'm starting to wonder about Kristin, and i have GOT to get myself back into school. i'm going nowhere fast. i don't know what's holding me back.....but i have got to go somewhere this year. i sincerely think that if i just start putting my foot down about many issues, and start to focus on me (not to sound selfish) so that i can get rid of this lingering depression and get my life going. i'm an artist for Christ's sake, and it's about time i be a professional cartoonist and tell everybody else to kiss my ass!