It's been a while....
It's been a long time since I've updated this, and a lot has gone on. Well, for the most part. For one, I'm finished with my first semester of my senior year so that's pretty exciting. I still can't believe it. I'm now officially a sister of Sigma Gamma Phi; pledge name - Seeley, and I couldn't be happier with my decision to join that organization. I resigned from my position as Vice President of BGLAD due to the fact that I felt like I was being treated unfairly because I was now Greek, and sadly that has put a strain on some of my friendships, but if they were truly my friends in the first place, they would understand and regardless be there for me. So I'm not stressing that. OH! I cut off about a foot or so of my hair on a whim. So now I have a bit of a pixie hair cut. It's kinda cute, I like it :) It's a lot easier to maintain than the mess of hair that I had before, and it's all my natural color, which is weird because I haven't had my hair my natural color since like, freshmen year of high school. haha. My laptop crashed, the damn Toshiba died! But now I have an Acer and it's running pretty well *knocks on wood*. Hopefully that continues. Things have gotten better with me, mentally. I've finally started to piece the puzzle of my mind back together, and while it's scary and time consuming, I'm glad I'm making the effort.
Now I feel as though I should update you on my love life. Well, I'm proud to say that I'm single and I've pretty much come to accept the fact that I will be single for a long time. It's just the way I feel in my heart. I know I said a lot of things when Tony and I broke up, and I do feel kind of bad about getting down on myself like that, but I mean, I can't force someone to stay in a relationship with me. Plus, he's been gone for a while now, and we barely talk so I guess it is for the best. Granted, when we do talk, its pretty good, and when we skype, it's amazing to see his face because I miss him a lot - he's my best friend - but at the same time, I can't help but feel that we'll never get back together because I feel like he just wants to look for someone better. Well honey, you're never going to find anyone better than what you had. Trust and believe me. You won't. You had a good girl, but you didn't know how to keep her. I still love him a lot, I really do. He's the first person I can honestly say that I ever truly loved, and the first person I could see a future with, but at the same time, I know that he's mentally not ready to grow up. So, I've let go. I've moved on, and I know one day he's going to feel the heartbreak that he set on me. I hope that one day we could give it another shot, but like I said, I'm not holding my breath for something that I feel will never come. Now, that's not to say that I'm going to wait around. I mean, I already have someone that I'm interested in, but I feel like even after the whole thing with Tony, I can't let myself love anyone because I have this thought in the back of my mind that they are going to fuck me over mentally. I want to move on, and I want to be with someone one day (not anytime soon, but eventually), but I mean... I feel like I'm holding myself back for whatever reason. I'm honestly scared to love. So that brings me down to the conclusion that I'd be better off alone. I know that's a very depressing conclusion, but I feel like I'm scared of getting hurt again. Even after Tony I fell for someone, a couple people, not as hard as I fell for Tony obviously, but I started to fall for them, and they knew that, and just....crushed me.....the same way that he did. One I barely talk to anymore - which alone breaks my heart- and the other and I still talk, but I feel like he isn't all in like he says he is. It's so hard to trust peoples characters when you've been let down by so many people in your life. I honestly have little to no faith in people as it is, but I feel like when it comes to my heart, I'm just completely closed off. I'll probably end up the old lady that has like a bajillion pets and lives by herself in a little house. I just, don't see myself being happy. I don't feel like I will ever be happy.
Now, I know that it may sound like I'm all depressed, which I probably am, but I'm honestly at a pretty good spot right now. I am by myself, but I'm holding my own ground. Finally for once in my life I feel like I can do this on my own and I don't need anyone. I mean, I've been working through trying to stand on my own ever since my Aunt passed away and no one was there for me throughout her wake/funeral. Not a single one of my friends and that was back in July of 2009. So I mean, it's been a long time coming, but I finally feel like I'm standing on my own and I mean, yes, it does get lonely with no one to talk to, but aside from this online blog I have a journal that I keep hidden. That may sound pathetic to some of you, but, when you have no one else to talk to you begin to live in your own mind and find your own strength in your mind, and eventually I figured it would drive me insane if I didn't get it out. I can't rely on any one of my "friends" because they really don't give a fuck, so I keep a journal. I find it very therapeutic. So, my journal is my best friend. Everyone else just.....exists. Their sole purpose is to care about themselves, even after all you have done for them. So why bother trying to salvage friendships? Why bother trying to hold grudges? I've honestly just kind of thrown my hands up in defeat. I know that they don't really care, they know that they don't really care - because if they did, they would've seen the warning signs. The warning signs that I needed them, badly. I was falling apart. So, now, I've found my happy medium. A place where no one can touch me. My 'Wonderland' if you please.
It's not as bad as I may have made it sound, I mean, most of that was just venting, but I do rely on no one anymore, just myself. When it comes down to it, I couldn't name off my true friends if you asked me to. The only person I would name off is myself. I am my own friend. I'm all I need, and that's okay.
Sorry for being so depressive. I'll update more later or something.
-Elisabeth
p.s. I didn't take my meds today, clearly you can tell.... hahaha
Now I feel as though I should update you on my love life. Well, I'm proud to say that I'm single and I've pretty much come to accept the fact that I will be single for a long time. It's just the way I feel in my heart. I know I said a lot of things when Tony and I broke up, and I do feel kind of bad about getting down on myself like that, but I mean, I can't force someone to stay in a relationship with me. Plus, he's been gone for a while now, and we barely talk so I guess it is for the best. Granted, when we do talk, its pretty good, and when we skype, it's amazing to see his face because I miss him a lot - he's my best friend - but at the same time, I can't help but feel that we'll never get back together because I feel like he just wants to look for someone better. Well honey, you're never going to find anyone better than what you had. Trust and believe me. You won't. You had a good girl, but you didn't know how to keep her. I still love him a lot, I really do. He's the first person I can honestly say that I ever truly loved, and the first person I could see a future with, but at the same time, I know that he's mentally not ready to grow up. So, I've let go. I've moved on, and I know one day he's going to feel the heartbreak that he set on me. I hope that one day we could give it another shot, but like I said, I'm not holding my breath for something that I feel will never come. Now, that's not to say that I'm going to wait around. I mean, I already have someone that I'm interested in, but I feel like even after the whole thing with Tony, I can't let myself love anyone because I have this thought in the back of my mind that they are going to fuck me over mentally. I want to move on, and I want to be with someone one day (not anytime soon, but eventually), but I mean... I feel like I'm holding myself back for whatever reason. I'm honestly scared to love. So that brings me down to the conclusion that I'd be better off alone. I know that's a very depressing conclusion, but I feel like I'm scared of getting hurt again. Even after Tony I fell for someone, a couple people, not as hard as I fell for Tony obviously, but I started to fall for them, and they knew that, and just....crushed me.....the same way that he did. One I barely talk to anymore - which alone breaks my heart- and the other and I still talk, but I feel like he isn't all in like he says he is. It's so hard to trust peoples characters when you've been let down by so many people in your life. I honestly have little to no faith in people as it is, but I feel like when it comes to my heart, I'm just completely closed off. I'll probably end up the old lady that has like a bajillion pets and lives by herself in a little house. I just, don't see myself being happy. I don't feel like I will ever be happy.
Now, I know that it may sound like I'm all depressed, which I probably am, but I'm honestly at a pretty good spot right now. I am by myself, but I'm holding my own ground. Finally for once in my life I feel like I can do this on my own and I don't need anyone. I mean, I've been working through trying to stand on my own ever since my Aunt passed away and no one was there for me throughout her wake/funeral. Not a single one of my friends and that was back in July of 2009. So I mean, it's been a long time coming, but I finally feel like I'm standing on my own and I mean, yes, it does get lonely with no one to talk to, but aside from this online blog I have a journal that I keep hidden. That may sound pathetic to some of you, but, when you have no one else to talk to you begin to live in your own mind and find your own strength in your mind, and eventually I figured it would drive me insane if I didn't get it out. I can't rely on any one of my "friends" because they really don't give a fuck, so I keep a journal. I find it very therapeutic. So, my journal is my best friend. Everyone else just.....exists. Their sole purpose is to care about themselves, even after all you have done for them. So why bother trying to salvage friendships? Why bother trying to hold grudges? I've honestly just kind of thrown my hands up in defeat. I know that they don't really care, they know that they don't really care - because if they did, they would've seen the warning signs. The warning signs that I needed them, badly. I was falling apart. So, now, I've found my happy medium. A place where no one can touch me. My 'Wonderland' if you please.
It's not as bad as I may have made it sound, I mean, most of that was just venting, but I do rely on no one anymore, just myself. When it comes down to it, I couldn't name off my true friends if you asked me to. The only person I would name off is myself. I am my own friend. I'm all I need, and that's okay.
Sorry for being so depressive. I'll update more later or something.
-Elisabeth
p.s. I didn't take my meds today, clearly you can tell.... hahaha