Vulnerable Moment.
I have nine hours to go before I can sleep. alex is passed out. lori's passed out. cherim's in laughlin with kyndra. and monica's at church. I have no one to help distract me from myself.
and my mind is screaming. wailing. it's been pushed too far, and it doesn't feel like it can come back. I really miss my mom. I miss her unconditional love. no one else loves me like that. everyone else counts it against me when I fuck up. and she's gone. that love is gone. and I've been left all alone in this world, surrounded by people who will not hesitate to judge me. my self esteem has plummeted, and I find it hard to care about much, these days. I feel like I have no love for anyone or anything, because I'm missing that great big, huge ammount of love that kept me going. and I tried to tell her that I loved her as often as I could. I tried to make her understand that I needed her, and that I didn't take her for granted. I know I could have done a better job of it, though. I didn't have to be so damn snippy all the time.
I've stopped buying pot. so I'm sitting here, with no one to talk to, and nothing to distract myself with, and I'm withering up inside. I haven't had time to sit and just be me for a very long time, and it's all trying to come out at once.
you know, it's kinda funny. I'd been trying to prepare myself for this for years. I would sit there and stare at her, etching every last detail into my head so I wouldn't forget her, because I knew she wasn't going to last forever. and then I'd sit there, silently crying, because I didn't want to lose her. but... I had no idea. I mean, really! losing patrick was horrible; awful. that feeling of "I'll never see him again" was completely overwhelming. ...but it's nothing compared to this. *shakes her head* it's nothing at all compared to this. that was gut-wrenching; a slap in the face towards my own morality. he was younger than me, after all. but this... this is soul-wrenching. there's a black hole inside me, and everything I am is being sucked in. I am left feeling hollow, which is a lot like feeling cold. and it's a horrible way to feel, just so everyone knows! I will never have that warm and fuzzy feeling again, because no one; NO ONE will ever love me like that. no one will put up with my shit like that. no one will make the entire universe snap into perfect focus with only a few words. I'm all alone, now. and it just fucking sucks! it sucks and it hurts and it just won't go away!
I need to work more. I'm okay when I'm at work. I have to pretend like I'm normal, and it's a beautiful day, and that I'm there because I want to be, not because they pay me to be. and, dammit, I do it alright. I used to be better at it, but I've lost a lot of myself. and I don't have anyone to talk to to keep my tongue sharp. alex can't even speak english correctly, for pete's sake! and he's wearing off on me, and I'm hating every single moment of it.
I think I'm going to go for a walk. or something. get out. look at the world. try to find something good about it, or something.
"longing for home, again. but home is a feeling I buried in you. I'm alright, I'm alright. it only hurts when I breathe."
and my mind is screaming. wailing. it's been pushed too far, and it doesn't feel like it can come back. I really miss my mom. I miss her unconditional love. no one else loves me like that. everyone else counts it against me when I fuck up. and she's gone. that love is gone. and I've been left all alone in this world, surrounded by people who will not hesitate to judge me. my self esteem has plummeted, and I find it hard to care about much, these days. I feel like I have no love for anyone or anything, because I'm missing that great big, huge ammount of love that kept me going. and I tried to tell her that I loved her as often as I could. I tried to make her understand that I needed her, and that I didn't take her for granted. I know I could have done a better job of it, though. I didn't have to be so damn snippy all the time.
I've stopped buying pot. so I'm sitting here, with no one to talk to, and nothing to distract myself with, and I'm withering up inside. I haven't had time to sit and just be me for a very long time, and it's all trying to come out at once.
you know, it's kinda funny. I'd been trying to prepare myself for this for years. I would sit there and stare at her, etching every last detail into my head so I wouldn't forget her, because I knew she wasn't going to last forever. and then I'd sit there, silently crying, because I didn't want to lose her. but... I had no idea. I mean, really! losing patrick was horrible; awful. that feeling of "I'll never see him again" was completely overwhelming. ...but it's nothing compared to this. *shakes her head* it's nothing at all compared to this. that was gut-wrenching; a slap in the face towards my own morality. he was younger than me, after all. but this... this is soul-wrenching. there's a black hole inside me, and everything I am is being sucked in. I am left feeling hollow, which is a lot like feeling cold. and it's a horrible way to feel, just so everyone knows! I will never have that warm and fuzzy feeling again, because no one; NO ONE will ever love me like that. no one will put up with my shit like that. no one will make the entire universe snap into perfect focus with only a few words. I'm all alone, now. and it just fucking sucks! it sucks and it hurts and it just won't go away!
I need to work more. I'm okay when I'm at work. I have to pretend like I'm normal, and it's a beautiful day, and that I'm there because I want to be, not because they pay me to be. and, dammit, I do it alright. I used to be better at it, but I've lost a lot of myself. and I don't have anyone to talk to to keep my tongue sharp. alex can't even speak english correctly, for pete's sake! and he's wearing off on me, and I'm hating every single moment of it.
I think I'm going to go for a walk. or something. get out. look at the world. try to find something good about it, or something.
"longing for home, again. but home is a feeling I buried in you. I'm alright, I'm alright. it only hurts when I breathe."