Musings

[elisa_garg]

Taking a brief break from my entries on the Clan (I'll get around to covering Hudson and Bronx later, and possibly some others too, no worries), I've found myself dwelling on other thoughts.

One of the questions I've been asked the most often is, "Don't you miss being human?"  Matt's asked me, Derek and Maggie have asked me, my parents have asked me, Xanatos has asked me, hell, even Goliath asked me once.  And I'm pretty sure people in the Nexus have asked me as well.

And the answer to that question is... complicated.  I should preface everything by saying that I wouldn't go back to it for the world.  As hard as things can be sometimes, I really feel like this is where my place is, that this is who and what I should be.  I suppose it's best to say that there are things that I miss.

1. I miss seeing the sun.  I was pretty much a night-owl, granted, even before all of this, and especially after I met the guys, but...  You don't know how much you miss something until the option's not even there anymore.  Harley's recently provided us with an alternative to that, but it's not something to be used lightly.
2. I miss sleeping in a bed.  Granted, turning into stone's a hell of a lot more refreshing and there's no insomnia, but I do miss having the ability to just plain crash.
3. I have friends that I miss.  People who I had to let thing I'd vanished or was dead when I became a Gargoyle.  With the secret of our existance out... maybe I ought to look some of them up.  Going to have to explain some things eventually anyway.  Maybe it'd be best to start small.
4. I miss some of the little things.  My car, my jacket...  Being able to count to ten on my fingers.
   
5. And of course, I sometimes miss the day to day aspects of being human.  Of just being able to run to the store if I'm out of milk or going down to Blockbuster to rent a video.

But you know what, most of that's a lot of little things or things that don't matter.  I've still got a life protecting the city; it's just a little more freelance than it was before.  I have the love of the greatest guy in the universe, and the opportunity to spend the rest of my days with him.  And I get to be with him in all ways.  Certain things... would not have been possible, had I stayed human.

And frankly, sometimes it's a hell of a lot better than being human ever was.  I like being this strong.  I love that the world's become a a much clearer place, now that my senses are stronger.  And gliding, don't even get me started on how much fun gliding is.  And frankly, I love that I can actually do something against the bad guys we fight.  Used to be I'd draw my gun, get off a few ineffective shots, and then get taken out of the fight.  These days I can bust heads just as good as anybody.

Being hated or treated like I'm I'm beneath people?  Hardly anything new.  Mom's African-American, Dad's Native America.  I'm certainly used to being judged just by the way I look.  Doesn't stop it from hurting, but it gives me the hope that this too will pass.

I spent a lot of time, when I first changed, desperate to become normal again.  Now, this is normal.  Things aren't perfect in my world right now, but I've got a pretty good life.  I have two great families, the one I was born to and the one I became a part of.   I have a purpose and a chance to do good on a greater scale than ever before.

This just feels right.  I've had several people mention that I was pretty much a Gargoyle already, but for some cosmetic things.  I'm not really inclined to disagree.

Did I give up a lot?  Certainly.  Would I do it all again?  Absolutely.

Sometimes it takes extrordinary change to find out where you really belong.