A Refining Fire
I burned a journal last night.
I was looking for a CD Clint had given me and I happened across some pictures of him.
You know…him.
And suddenly a conversation I’d had with Abby the day before washed over me. We were talking about how even though we’re so secure in our love, we still fear that fateful day we’ll run into our exes. She started telling me how she’d gone through a purging stage and had burned or thrown out everything her ex had ever given her. I suddenly felt sick. I’ve been journaling since I was 8. I have 7 journals completely filled. 3 of them are from the years I was with my ex. I said I was holding on to them because I felt like my past was wrapped up in them, and they were a part of me. And then Abby said a very beautiful thing. She said that all of the important things of my past were inside me, and the rest was just a sore reminder of sorrier days. She was right. I had been afraid that in letting go of my diaries that I’d be letting part of myself go too.
He sat and watched me from the other side of the room as I ripped the pages from their binding, and there he stayed as I began the blaze. As I watched the flames consume the pages, I realized: 90% of those pages were prayers. With each burning curl I watch Amen, Lord, and Help dissolve to ashes. I couldn’t help but cry. I’d been carrying my ghosts with me under false pretense that what was on those pages made me who I was, but I was wrong. They were testaments to the loneliest time in my life, to the lies I’d lived, and the hopelessness of ever being loved and watching them burn made me realize that every longing scrawled out on those pages had been met in Clint. He came to me, held me, and rocked me in his arms. Thank you Lord,for an honest man and for helping me understand that I am loved and not alone, amen.
I was looking for a CD Clint had given me and I happened across some pictures of him.
You know…him.
And suddenly a conversation I’d had with Abby the day before washed over me. We were talking about how even though we’re so secure in our love, we still fear that fateful day we’ll run into our exes. She started telling me how she’d gone through a purging stage and had burned or thrown out everything her ex had ever given her. I suddenly felt sick. I’ve been journaling since I was 8. I have 7 journals completely filled. 3 of them are from the years I was with my ex. I said I was holding on to them because I felt like my past was wrapped up in them, and they were a part of me. And then Abby said a very beautiful thing. She said that all of the important things of my past were inside me, and the rest was just a sore reminder of sorrier days. She was right. I had been afraid that in letting go of my diaries that I’d be letting part of myself go too.
He sat and watched me from the other side of the room as I ripped the pages from their binding, and there he stayed as I began the blaze. As I watched the flames consume the pages, I realized: 90% of those pages were prayers. With each burning curl I watch Amen, Lord, and Help dissolve to ashes. I couldn’t help but cry. I’d been carrying my ghosts with me under false pretense that what was on those pages made me who I was, but I was wrong. They were testaments to the loneliest time in my life, to the lies I’d lived, and the hopelessness of ever being loved and watching them burn made me realize that every longing scrawled out on those pages had been met in Clint. He came to me, held me, and rocked me in his arms. Thank you Lord,for an honest man and for helping me understand that I am loved and not alone, amen.