(no subject)
I think that I rely too much on other people to make me happy. I tend to form close relationships with people that are emotionally distant and then I take it personally when they are emotionally distant with me. Then when someone is really into me and gives me lots of loving public affection I feel weirded out and don't know how to handle it. Or I love it but can't let myself get close because of extenuating circumstances. I seem to always bet on the wrong pony or at least I'm not the right jockey to go along for the ride. Am I punishing myself for some sort of past evil? Maybe so.
One of these ponies sent me a play of his the other day. It's about a woman accidently becoming a porn star and finding the love of her life which turns out to be a female sex columnist. All of the main characters are female and it's very obviously written from a male perspective but purposefully taken in that direction to the point of gleefull absurdity. I loved it.
Despite my need for togetherness, I am managing to find little joys in being alone. No one ever gets my dishes dirty but me and I never cook so there's very little cleaning to be done.
Today I spent 3 hours in Cafe Ladro reading The Order of the Phoenix and really enjoyed it. From the point that walked in, all through ordering my coffee and for awhile after I sat down this rather cute guy was checking me out and trying to catch my eye or so I thought. I intentionally avoided making eye contact with him and I'm not all together sure why. I wish I had because now I'll never know if I missed an opportunity. I guess I was worried that I would look at him and smile coyley and he would say something like, "Hey sexy, your shoelace in untied and it's really pissing me off." And then I would be embarrased and have to tie my shoe.
I had a lovely time last night with a male friend that is handsome and charming but does not bat for my team. He emailed me ahead of time telling me to wear something sexy and that he was going to take me to a swanky place for cocktails. We started at Olivers, then went to the Cheescake Factory, The Union Square Grill and The Four Seasons. It was delightful. We looked like a well-bred couple about town and had delightful conversation (he was sweet enough to compliment me profusely between martinis) while not having to worry about all the questions that run through your mind while on a date. I must entertain cute gay men more often.
My ex is in a relationship and I am very happy for him but it gets me to thinking, "Should I be in a relationship by now?" I completely realize that it's all about meeting the right person at the right time, you can't force it, blah blah blah. I guess I was just a little suprised because for some reason I thought for sure I would be the one to date first. Granted in the time that we've been seperated I've been "finding myself" and all so probably I haven't been ready yet. It doesn't bother me that I'm not with someone yet, at least in principal. It will happen if and when it's supposed to, whatever the hell that means. I am excited to meet her but I will probably have to hate her a bit if she's prettier than me. Just kidding.
One of these ponies sent me a play of his the other day. It's about a woman accidently becoming a porn star and finding the love of her life which turns out to be a female sex columnist. All of the main characters are female and it's very obviously written from a male perspective but purposefully taken in that direction to the point of gleefull absurdity. I loved it.
Despite my need for togetherness, I am managing to find little joys in being alone. No one ever gets my dishes dirty but me and I never cook so there's very little cleaning to be done.
Today I spent 3 hours in Cafe Ladro reading The Order of the Phoenix and really enjoyed it. From the point that walked in, all through ordering my coffee and for awhile after I sat down this rather cute guy was checking me out and trying to catch my eye or so I thought. I intentionally avoided making eye contact with him and I'm not all together sure why. I wish I had because now I'll never know if I missed an opportunity. I guess I was worried that I would look at him and smile coyley and he would say something like, "Hey sexy, your shoelace in untied and it's really pissing me off." And then I would be embarrased and have to tie my shoe.
I had a lovely time last night with a male friend that is handsome and charming but does not bat for my team. He emailed me ahead of time telling me to wear something sexy and that he was going to take me to a swanky place for cocktails. We started at Olivers, then went to the Cheescake Factory, The Union Square Grill and The Four Seasons. It was delightful. We looked like a well-bred couple about town and had delightful conversation (he was sweet enough to compliment me profusely between martinis) while not having to worry about all the questions that run through your mind while on a date. I must entertain cute gay men more often.
My ex is in a relationship and I am very happy for him but it gets me to thinking, "Should I be in a relationship by now?" I completely realize that it's all about meeting the right person at the right time, you can't force it, blah blah blah. I guess I was just a little suprised because for some reason I thought for sure I would be the one to date first. Granted in the time that we've been seperated I've been "finding myself" and all so probably I haven't been ready yet. It doesn't bother me that I'm not with someone yet, at least in principal. It will happen if and when it's supposed to, whatever the hell that means. I am excited to meet her but I will probably have to hate her a bit if she's prettier than me. Just kidding.