Finding Trail Mix When No Trail Mix Can Be Found
What a strange time. I border on feeling a little ashamed when consider the huge upheaval my life will undergo soon in the context not of the union of two souls, but rather of how it will make me, personally, a better person. I’ve always slacked. I’ve always done just enough to get by, just enough to appease myself, which isn’t hard at all to do. For instance, currently there is a Taco Bell cup still half full on the floor, and I’m pretty sure it’s been there for at least 24 hours. I’m messy. I’m unreliable. My work ethic is shoddy at best. This wasn’t something I developed early on, or grew into over time. Basically now I really do just what it takes to keep my heart beating on to the next day. And believe me, I’ve wasted alot of time digging into my past for someone or something else to blame for that. Soon though, things will change and a great deal more will be required of me. My faculties, my attention, my money, my muscle, my love, my opinions, my criticism, my comfort, my penis, my warmth, my rationale, my everything will soon be tested in a truly wonderful way, and I couldn’t be more excited. I couldn’t ask for a girl I trust more, nor could I hope for another time in my life when I feel comfortable enough to say yes to something this big. I’ve only this life, and it’s already a fourth over, and I’m sick of how many of those days she hasn’t been a part of.
And the financial. Sigh. I know. I totally know. It’s one of those things where it’s such a terrible thought, and the “how” isn’t for sure yet, so it’s hard to remind yourself that it will be ok. The last few years have given me that feeling on numerous occasions. Sure, it will all work out. I’ll have a roof over my head and I’ll have food in my belly, but again... the “how” isn’t for sure, so I worry.
You wanna know what the best part is, though? It’s that every thought of my future, every far off fantasy of how things could and should be, everything I look forward to and hope for, all suddenly has another person involved. And I don’t have to force it that way. I just naturally associate her with all my stories that haven’t even been written yet.
Acting on the other hand.... For the love of God, please let this show come together. It’s hard being the new guy in a room full of great friends that cant get enough of each other. I don’t mean that as an insult to them, by any means. It’s just I’m used to having the room go a little quieter when I speak, and suddenly I’m nowhere near the funniest guy in the room. Obviously this is something I have to deal with myself. I can’t expect every experience to be “All My Sons”. It just puts me off when I feel like not only am I not getting paid, not only am I involved with a show completely devoid of nuance, not only do I feel uncomfortable even introducing the idea of discussing my character work with the director, but I also can’t waste my time being a jackass because everyone is too busy being interested in everyone BUT me.
I really wish I didn’t have it so easy at Dreyfoos, because I still find myself EXPECTING attention. Even now, after college, I feel like I’m owed something just for showing up. I guess the most important thing is I’m still uncomfortable during Moon Shine rehearsals. I’m just not myself. I do alot of work on my own, but when I come to the playhouse, everyone is just sitting around. There is ALOT of sitting around. And any inspiration I have to jump into the work wheezes out of me like a fart when I notice that I can get by just goofing off by myself, for myself. Maybe it will get better in the coming weeks. Maybe the costumes rock. Maybe the sets are great. Maybe by mustache will really come in. Maybe Jon will change his mind on ticket prices ( $28? SERIOUSLY? Is the god damn Queen coming?) Maybe I’ll be fine with the dance numbers. Maybe this will be something I’m proud of.
You know you aren’t getting enough acting work when someone asks you “How many gigs do you get?” and you instinctually think they mean how much memory your computer has.
And the financial. Sigh. I know. I totally know. It’s one of those things where it’s such a terrible thought, and the “how” isn’t for sure yet, so it’s hard to remind yourself that it will be ok. The last few years have given me that feeling on numerous occasions. Sure, it will all work out. I’ll have a roof over my head and I’ll have food in my belly, but again... the “how” isn’t for sure, so I worry.
You wanna know what the best part is, though? It’s that every thought of my future, every far off fantasy of how things could and should be, everything I look forward to and hope for, all suddenly has another person involved. And I don’t have to force it that way. I just naturally associate her with all my stories that haven’t even been written yet.
Acting on the other hand.... For the love of God, please let this show come together. It’s hard being the new guy in a room full of great friends that cant get enough of each other. I don’t mean that as an insult to them, by any means. It’s just I’m used to having the room go a little quieter when I speak, and suddenly I’m nowhere near the funniest guy in the room. Obviously this is something I have to deal with myself. I can’t expect every experience to be “All My Sons”. It just puts me off when I feel like not only am I not getting paid, not only am I involved with a show completely devoid of nuance, not only do I feel uncomfortable even introducing the idea of discussing my character work with the director, but I also can’t waste my time being a jackass because everyone is too busy being interested in everyone BUT me.
I really wish I didn’t have it so easy at Dreyfoos, because I still find myself EXPECTING attention. Even now, after college, I feel like I’m owed something just for showing up. I guess the most important thing is I’m still uncomfortable during Moon Shine rehearsals. I’m just not myself. I do alot of work on my own, but when I come to the playhouse, everyone is just sitting around. There is ALOT of sitting around. And any inspiration I have to jump into the work wheezes out of me like a fart when I notice that I can get by just goofing off by myself, for myself. Maybe it will get better in the coming weeks. Maybe the costumes rock. Maybe the sets are great. Maybe by mustache will really come in. Maybe Jon will change his mind on ticket prices ( $28? SERIOUSLY? Is the god damn Queen coming?) Maybe I’ll be fine with the dance numbers. Maybe this will be something I’m proud of.
You know you aren’t getting enough acting work when someone asks you “How many gigs do you get?” and you instinctually think they mean how much memory your computer has.