and you realize your only very small/ nd life goes on within you/ and with out you...
who's going to the show on monday? huh? yeah, im going...come with me so im not alone...
last night i had another dead baby dream...but for the first time i revived it, oh how beautiful it was...i was an indian...oh how problematic are my nightmere/dreams...
yesterday i cried...it really sucked...i didnt want the guys to see me shed a tear...i only did shed about two or four, but OH how pissed off i was...god damn bob...god damn rod...god damn dan....god damn them for making me feel like shit when they feel like it and a princess when they feel like it! im not as strong as i try to be, and when i cant cuss you out, i cry..yeah thats right...i cry....i fucking cry...
god damn jake for being so goddamn wonderful! he makes me feel so wonderful...(i dont know why i said goddamn, i guess i was just on a roll, i dont really damn him at all)...and same goes for jona and tim...they make me feel so nice...they came and consoled me so much, oh it was nice...and chelsea too, she is so sweet! i can really realte to her...i like talking to her..i hope we hang out more...
blah...im over rod being a jackass to me...i was pissed at bob (but tahts kinda normal because we disagree often, but we always make-up...i guess...) but GOD! rod can make me feel like shit! it pisses me off...because i guess i have known him for the longest so i feel like his oppinion matters to me most...so when he says things to me taht make me feel crappy...god it hits home...it hurts me so deep and i hate it....i dont understand why i give hinm so much power, but ugh....im over it though...its just the kind of guy rod is..."nobull shit guy" like mike says...im over it..or i will be...bleh...
yay! devon is online! i missed him! i missed talking to my "twin"...he makes me feel good all the time...hes so smart and kinda...i wish more people were as compassionate as him...hahaha, everyone should become buddhist...the world would be a better place...hahaha
talked to dan...he said he was sorry...thats nice of him...but ahh: they all said thy were sorry...but it doesnt exactly make me feel wonderful that i made them feel bad...poo...i shouldnt have gotten worked up in the first place...i dont know why im so easily bothered...even rod told me last night i have been really frustrated lately and get really worked up easialy...he is so right...i have been so stressed with all this allen shit and all the things that have been going through my head lately that im "not the old eliana" anymore like he said ...the old eliana used to be " a lot calmer" suposedly...im working on it...
going to "rock the block" with the guys (besides getting all butt-hurt about being name called) was pretty fun. well, actually it was wicked hot and we had to watch a bunch of crappy bands play, but i got to kick it with chelsea some, ahng out with the guys all day, and going to rods after words (as usual) was the highlight of the day...dancing with tim was hillarious...bobs c-walk made me laugh sooo hard!...i got like three lapdances! hahaha...that was so funny...im still waiting for mine from rod, but i guess he would get me too "into it" like he says...rod and tim freak dancing cracks me up!! and mike! oh man, seeing him back it up like that! hahaha! that was the funniest shit!..."TOO MUCH BOOTY IN THE PANTS!"...hahaha
the day before was fuckin funny as hell too! seeing jake scream like a woman when he was gettin that dick drawn on his ass was the funniest shit...and rod's squirelle butt was only half done because of jake stickin the marker in places that were totally wrong...hahaha...you guys all have really white asses...and scream like woman....rod drives really well..i was freakin surprised! i was scared too...hahaha...so was his mom, you could tell...i like that little ass volvo...man! modesto woman need to put some clothes on! preferably green pants too...haha...hot hot hot green pants!...i couldnt believe the guys actually talked to this old ass lady in this tiny little shirt! she was sooo old, but sooo slutty! it was funny!...modesto is kickin over there at night...unlike manteca...which was hella NOTHING...the craft sticks were the best ones...and both chelsea and i got songs sang for us! WOO HOO! haha...my first song dont for me EVER was in modesto, and then the next day i got one too! yay! that was sooper the hightlight of my days!!...and you know...the way i felt about getting my feelings hurt, like it doesnt even compare to how i feel hanving fun with my friends and like jake said "what they say isnt the truth at all, they just want to be smart asses, so why should you get bothered by it if its not true?" and he is SOOOO RIGHT.....and i have enough self confidence to know im doing ok with out having to liston to what they say, right? right.
well, im off to get ready to go watch rocky horror picture show! woo! im gonna go see the broadway version somewhere out of town...jake asked if i was going over, but i dont think i will...maybe later...but im gonna see them all tomorrow anyways...
i wanna see ella, i miss her...and i wanna see tara because its been a little while ( a couple days)...i was sad she didnt come yesterday....and nikki and claire and allie and constance and leah and tiff! jeez! i should just get a bunch of girls together for a big old fashioned party! ...hahaha...i wish!
ok, im gonna go...
lots of love,
*eli
last night i had another dead baby dream...but for the first time i revived it, oh how beautiful it was...i was an indian...oh how problematic are my nightmere/dreams...
yesterday i cried...it really sucked...i didnt want the guys to see me shed a tear...i only did shed about two or four, but OH how pissed off i was...god damn bob...god damn rod...god damn dan....god damn them for making me feel like shit when they feel like it and a princess when they feel like it! im not as strong as i try to be, and when i cant cuss you out, i cry..yeah thats right...i cry....i fucking cry...
god damn jake for being so goddamn wonderful! he makes me feel so wonderful...(i dont know why i said goddamn, i guess i was just on a roll, i dont really damn him at all)...and same goes for jona and tim...they make me feel so nice...they came and consoled me so much, oh it was nice...and chelsea too, she is so sweet! i can really realte to her...i like talking to her..i hope we hang out more...
blah...im over rod being a jackass to me...i was pissed at bob (but tahts kinda normal because we disagree often, but we always make-up...i guess...) but GOD! rod can make me feel like shit! it pisses me off...because i guess i have known him for the longest so i feel like his oppinion matters to me most...so when he says things to me taht make me feel crappy...god it hits home...it hurts me so deep and i hate it....i dont understand why i give hinm so much power, but ugh....im over it though...its just the kind of guy rod is..."nobull shit guy" like mike says...im over it..or i will be...bleh...
yay! devon is online! i missed him! i missed talking to my "twin"...he makes me feel good all the time...hes so smart and kinda...i wish more people were as compassionate as him...hahaha, everyone should become buddhist...the world would be a better place...hahaha
talked to dan...he said he was sorry...thats nice of him...but ahh: they all said thy were sorry...but it doesnt exactly make me feel wonderful that i made them feel bad...poo...i shouldnt have gotten worked up in the first place...i dont know why im so easily bothered...even rod told me last night i have been really frustrated lately and get really worked up easialy...he is so right...i have been so stressed with all this allen shit and all the things that have been going through my head lately that im "not the old eliana" anymore like he said ...the old eliana used to be " a lot calmer" suposedly...im working on it...
going to "rock the block" with the guys (besides getting all butt-hurt about being name called) was pretty fun. well, actually it was wicked hot and we had to watch a bunch of crappy bands play, but i got to kick it with chelsea some, ahng out with the guys all day, and going to rods after words (as usual) was the highlight of the day...dancing with tim was hillarious...bobs c-walk made me laugh sooo hard!...i got like three lapdances! hahaha...that was so funny...im still waiting for mine from rod, but i guess he would get me too "into it" like he says...rod and tim freak dancing cracks me up!! and mike! oh man, seeing him back it up like that! hahaha! that was the funniest shit!..."TOO MUCH BOOTY IN THE PANTS!"...hahaha
the day before was fuckin funny as hell too! seeing jake scream like a woman when he was gettin that dick drawn on his ass was the funniest shit...and rod's squirelle butt was only half done because of jake stickin the marker in places that were totally wrong...hahaha...you guys all have really white asses...and scream like woman....rod drives really well..i was freakin surprised! i was scared too...hahaha...so was his mom, you could tell...i like that little ass volvo...man! modesto woman need to put some clothes on! preferably green pants too...haha...hot hot hot green pants!...i couldnt believe the guys actually talked to this old ass lady in this tiny little shirt! she was sooo old, but sooo slutty! it was funny!...modesto is kickin over there at night...unlike manteca...which was hella NOTHING...the craft sticks were the best ones...and both chelsea and i got songs sang for us! WOO HOO! haha...my first song dont for me EVER was in modesto, and then the next day i got one too! yay! that was sooper the hightlight of my days!!...and you know...the way i felt about getting my feelings hurt, like it doesnt even compare to how i feel hanving fun with my friends and like jake said "what they say isnt the truth at all, they just want to be smart asses, so why should you get bothered by it if its not true?" and he is SOOOO RIGHT.....and i have enough self confidence to know im doing ok with out having to liston to what they say, right? right.
well, im off to get ready to go watch rocky horror picture show! woo! im gonna go see the broadway version somewhere out of town...jake asked if i was going over, but i dont think i will...maybe later...but im gonna see them all tomorrow anyways...
i wanna see ella, i miss her...and i wanna see tara because its been a little while ( a couple days)...i was sad she didnt come yesterday....and nikki and claire and allie and constance and leah and tiff! jeez! i should just get a bunch of girls together for a big old fashioned party! ...hahaha...i wish!
ok, im gonna go...
lots of love,
*eli