for the first time...
this feels like it's going somewhere. you know,i finally see the finish line. and i'm petrified.
today was such a wonderful day. i woke up around 8am to a glorious morning. the sun was shining and the temperature was bearable and it continued rising throughout the day. i kept getting warmer and better. when i checked m weight, the scale said 79.5. acceptable, considering i binged 2 days ago like a lunatic. like a real lunatic!!! the important thing is - it didn't go over 80kg.
i went to grab a cup of coffee with a friend of mine. before i exited the house, i checked myself out in the mirror. front - okay. from the profile - okay. and there it was. even though under the clothes i don't look not even nearly perfect, when fully dressed, i look slim.
i have to admit, i'm getting closer and closer to saying "i made it!" and i'm not sure how i feel. i still want to binge. oh god, i'm hungry as hell! but i know that i'm close and in a weird way, i became my own thinspiration. i really don't want to fuck up all the progress. i want to push my limits a bit more, just a few days more, and few fasts more and i'll have a perfect stomach. i just have to stick to it. fasting!!!
they say when you fast, the body goes into starvation mode and stores up everything you consume and uses little calories. well, if it burns more than one hundred calories per day to stay alive, i'll continue losing weight. but i'm sure it uses a bit more than just one hundred lol.
i i went to the coffee shop and i looked my best. i haven't been so carefree and self-confident in years.
i spent the rest of the day browsing thinspo and preparing for work... after 3pm i went to work, and my students really annoyed the hell out of me. it's half past seven right now and i'm exhausted. i'll probably read a bit, talk to my boyfriend and go to bed. it's friday, but since i'm not drinking, there's no use in going out tonight. i'm extremely bored when i go out sober.
obviously, i'm well aware that i won't reach my perfect body in a matter of days... but i feel i'm closer. and who knows, maybe this summer i'll be able to relax like i did with the architect on our first date. we had sex without me feeling fat or ugly.
it will take some more effort and work, but i can get there. fuck! i'm scared!