Here's Something
I went to the gym tonight, which is something I do on occasion. Tonight's occasion? I didn't have any muscles. So I went to the gym to go get some.
While I was working out, I saw this guy wearing an AWESOME pair of pants. For the briefest of moments I considered walking right up to him, telling him how cool I thought his pants were, and asking where he got them. But I decided that would be totally gay, so I didn't. Then I spent the next half-hour following him around, sneaking furtive glances at his ass (in what proved to be a futile attempt at reading the label on his right butt-cheek).
During my attempt to discern the clothing company responsible for the super-cool pants, I overheard Awesome-Pants-Dude telling Old-Muscle-Guy-in-Tank-Top about a girl in the gym whose body was "absolutely perfect" but whose face was "absolutely hideous." (For the record, I saw the girl he was referring to and his description was completely accurate.) Anyway, Old-Muscle-Guy-in-Tank-Top just laughed heartily, slapped Awesome-Pants-Dude on the shoulder and said: "Dat's why God invented light-switches!"
Every once in a while a situation arises in life that has the ability to become a revelation of sorts, forcing one to rethink the world and everything in it. Clearly this was one of those times. For even though I'd been using light-switches on a daily basis for more than a quarter-century, I had never really considered the reason for their existence or that God Himself may have invented them. Thanks to Old-Muscle-Guy-in-Tank-Top-(with gold chain and overflowing chest hair) my mind was blown. And given that I hadn't been blown in quite some time, it was a pretty cool feeling. It was as if I'd been walking around in the dark all these years and someone suddenly--wait for it--flipped the light-switch, allowing me to look at the world in a whole new way.
Later in the evening I found myself in the grocery store. Well, I guess I didn't actually "find myself"...but anyway, I was there, at the grocery store, and I kind of fell in love with this girl behind me in line. The whole time the checker was checking me out, I was checking this girl out. She was beautiful: her hair, brown; her eyes, green; her lips, silently counting the number of items I had placed onto the conveyor belt; her mind, trying to determine if I belonged in the Express Line. I did, in fact, and I was out of there quickly, but not before I overheard her say the most amazing thing: "I forgot my Club Card, but I can give you my phone number." Not surprisingly, the time it took for me to gather up my grocery bags turned out to be exactly the length of time it took for her to recite her phone number.
Now I'm in bed and I'm dreaming about calling her. I've got the perfect plan: I'll pretend like I dialed the wrong number, but instead of apologizing and hanging up, I'll say, "Hey, this is gonna sound crazy, but..." and the next thing you know my awesome pants will be on the floor, we'll start having sex (with the lights ON) and she'll stop kissing me just long enough to say, "Wow, you must work out."
While I was working out, I saw this guy wearing an AWESOME pair of pants. For the briefest of moments I considered walking right up to him, telling him how cool I thought his pants were, and asking where he got them. But I decided that would be totally gay, so I didn't. Then I spent the next half-hour following him around, sneaking furtive glances at his ass (in what proved to be a futile attempt at reading the label on his right butt-cheek).
During my attempt to discern the clothing company responsible for the super-cool pants, I overheard Awesome-Pants-Dude telling Old-Muscle-Guy-in-Tank-Top about a girl in the gym whose body was "absolutely perfect" but whose face was "absolutely hideous." (For the record, I saw the girl he was referring to and his description was completely accurate.) Anyway, Old-Muscle-Guy-in-Tank-Top just laughed heartily, slapped Awesome-Pants-Dude on the shoulder and said: "Dat's why God invented light-switches!"
Every once in a while a situation arises in life that has the ability to become a revelation of sorts, forcing one to rethink the world and everything in it. Clearly this was one of those times. For even though I'd been using light-switches on a daily basis for more than a quarter-century, I had never really considered the reason for their existence or that God Himself may have invented them. Thanks to Old-Muscle-Guy-in-Tank-Top-(with gold chain and overflowing chest hair) my mind was blown. And given that I hadn't been blown in quite some time, it was a pretty cool feeling. It was as if I'd been walking around in the dark all these years and someone suddenly--wait for it--flipped the light-switch, allowing me to look at the world in a whole new way.
Later in the evening I found myself in the grocery store. Well, I guess I didn't actually "find myself"...but anyway, I was there, at the grocery store, and I kind of fell in love with this girl behind me in line. The whole time the checker was checking me out, I was checking this girl out. She was beautiful: her hair, brown; her eyes, green; her lips, silently counting the number of items I had placed onto the conveyor belt; her mind, trying to determine if I belonged in the Express Line. I did, in fact, and I was out of there quickly, but not before I overheard her say the most amazing thing: "I forgot my Club Card, but I can give you my phone number." Not surprisingly, the time it took for me to gather up my grocery bags turned out to be exactly the length of time it took for her to recite her phone number.
Now I'm in bed and I'm dreaming about calling her. I've got the perfect plan: I'll pretend like I dialed the wrong number, but instead of apologizing and hanging up, I'll say, "Hey, this is gonna sound crazy, but..." and the next thing you know my awesome pants will be on the floor, we'll start having sex (with the lights ON) and she'll stop kissing me just long enough to say, "Wow, you must work out."