this place
i know i said before that i probably belong here but at the same time this place is the cause of all my problems it would seem. Well not all but its probably the cause of the current ones.
It would seem that yes i will never fully get over the loss of my dad, but its affecting me much more than it should still. Its not fun. I am still withdrawn and detached. I still have dreams. I still have random times where i go back and think about what happened. I have less guilt but probably still have some. I avoid talking about how i feel because its too uncomfortable, no matter what it has to do with. I get panic attakcs, mild ones that i can handle, but still lame. I am irritable, i cant sleep, and when i do sleep i sleep thru class. And right now i feel kinda low and its been a while. Its been a while since i felt much really. Damn... I dunno if it will ever end. I thought i was getting better or was better but it seems like coming back to school has made it all come back.
I still feel as if maybe nobody can understand, and i also kinda feel like theres nothing that really can be done. I feel like i talked about all i could, I have said everything and there is nothing left to be said but i still dont feel better.
Well other than that school is going ok i think. The grades started good but with all the class i have skipped its left to be seen if it can stay that way. Fencing is fun but today was horrible. I fenced horribly today and its because i couldnt move my legs. It was just sloppy and no good. I was thinking about going to a tournament at the end of fall break, but i think i can get tryg a ticket for hte BC game so i think i will just have him come up and hang out with him instead. He called tonite and it was great to talk to him. Just kind of a random call, but good. It will be good to see him.
I am staying here for fall break with paul so that should be fun. I think i am gonna go back to not doing any of my work.
It would seem that yes i will never fully get over the loss of my dad, but its affecting me much more than it should still. Its not fun. I am still withdrawn and detached. I still have dreams. I still have random times where i go back and think about what happened. I have less guilt but probably still have some. I avoid talking about how i feel because its too uncomfortable, no matter what it has to do with. I get panic attakcs, mild ones that i can handle, but still lame. I am irritable, i cant sleep, and when i do sleep i sleep thru class. And right now i feel kinda low and its been a while. Its been a while since i felt much really. Damn... I dunno if it will ever end. I thought i was getting better or was better but it seems like coming back to school has made it all come back.
I still feel as if maybe nobody can understand, and i also kinda feel like theres nothing that really can be done. I feel like i talked about all i could, I have said everything and there is nothing left to be said but i still dont feel better.
Well other than that school is going ok i think. The grades started good but with all the class i have skipped its left to be seen if it can stay that way. Fencing is fun but today was horrible. I fenced horribly today and its because i couldnt move my legs. It was just sloppy and no good. I was thinking about going to a tournament at the end of fall break, but i think i can get tryg a ticket for hte BC game so i think i will just have him come up and hang out with him instead. He called tonite and it was great to talk to him. Just kind of a random call, but good. It will be good to see him.
I am staying here for fall break with paul so that should be fun. I think i am gonna go back to not doing any of my work.