My Aniversary......
Sitting here at my computer, unable to even snooze while Josh sleeps, readying himself for another busy day... I find myself thinking back on my life. All of the fear, tears and heartache, all of the joy, love and happyness....... Everything that has led up to this point in my life.
I remember things from a past better left forgotten, but they dont hurt me as much any more, sometimes they dont hurt me at all. I remember allowing myself to be used, abused, torn apart and thrown back together all in the name of wanting someone to love, and love me in return. Since that unfortunate incident when i was twelve, wich my parents still dont know about, from at a friend's birthday party... her older brother... while everyone was asleep, using me... In high school, every man i thought i was in love with, where the relationship did not lat more than a few weeks at most...... My time with my dear friend Jason, wishing he would fall in love with me, and then finally realizing we where more like siblings then lovers....... Meeting josh and seeing him as a friend, and then letting it grow into more in my heart, but never trying to push it at him, not only for fear of my own pain, but for respect for him, as he was in love with someone else....
Manny said that things where rushed too soon with josh.. and that it wouldnt work.. that i should be sure it was what i really wanted, the list goes on.... I thought that maybe if i wrote everything down and got it off my chest it would seem easier for others to understand, even if it is comming from a woman with the mentallity of a 15 year old.
Originally Josh and I met online, in a yahoo chatroom, where he was role playing as a panther anthromorph. I was at the time also playing a feline, a certian neo-natzi leopardess named Gustavina. I met him, and it was two weeks before we even knew each other's names, only going by the character names that we portrayed. Two weeks after that i began to have strong feelings for him, but knew he was going out with another girl, and I did my absolute best to ignore the feelings, or not let them show. He was kind to me, he didnt care what I looked like, and we had alot of fun with our role plays and late night talks.
One day he was verry upset... and it turned out that the woman he was in love with had dumped him. I did my best to comfort him, just like all of his friends did, but he was rather miserable, so when he made the offer for me to come to an anime convention with him and his friends, I agreed, originally so i could see if i could sort out their problems with them, and help them get back together, even with how much it would hurt me.
Once at his college however, not only could I see how dis-interested the woman was, I could see that it would be a long weekend, with Josh so close that i could hug him.....kiss him....My mind wasnt exactly in the right state of mind for being a "friend" Over the weekend, his "ex" ran off, making us both worry our asses off over her, and when we finally caught up to her, she complained that she had needed space, that we were suffocating her. I remember storming off down the street in a city that i did not know, crying after telling her off about the fact that we had been trying to protect her well being... and that if she wanted space she would have all the space in the world...... I dont remember much about being found, i know her friend Sunny did eventually find me, and i think she walked me back.. along with a couple of others... i was too woozy from crying and running, i slipped in and out of consciousness... The nest thing i remember is waking up in Josh's arms, curled to him on the hotel bed, ((both still clothed for those of you that worry about that sort of thing.))
Apparently he had been watching me sleep for a while while he lay beside me, as when I looked up he was allready awake... We kissed, and from that moment I knew that he loved me in return.... I could see in those handsome eyes of his the love he had been misplacing on the woman who had torn his heart apart.. it was for me....... I know that sounds strange, and I know it doesnt make sense to a lot of people, but that is how things started... 3 lonely, voicechat ((and world of warcraft)) filled months later he told me that he had secured me a rent-a-room out of some couple's house. Things didnt go well after about half a year or so as said couple decided they wanted to screw us over major....and I ended up living in the dorm in secret, having been kicked out of my home. Before i was kicked out however he proposed to me... of course I said yes.
He Payed for my trip to Anime Boston in the first place, It was half of his paycheck from the grocery store he worked at every month for my rent and food, and he risked getting kicked out of college and ruining his dreams all in the name of love...... for nearly 4 years I have known the man, we where engaged for near two years, and have been married for near 1 year now... Our marriage took place on June 7, 2006 ... That leads me to what i originally meant to write in the first place, before my fingertips decided to flutter my memories over the keys.
Our one year aniversary is comming up, and i have no idea what to do. The one person who can see past my faults, my short temper and my big mouth, who holds me when I cry... who wipes my tears away and somehow pulls through and gets me most anything i want, even wheni have given up hope of ever getting it....... The man I love with all my heart and soul...... my mate, husband and friend....... I can think of so manny things to say about him, and so manny things i want to eventually do ... but i cant think of a simple aniversary gift. My heart is willing but when i try to draw, the pencil stays still, no thought behind it, when i try to write, the blank page taunts me. I have no money that does not go into rent and taking care of us. Cooking dinner and doing other such "wifely" things are a normal occurance lately....... I dont know what to do..... i could really use some suggestions right about now...... i extend my question to those that know me, and even some that dont, in hopes that someone may answer me with something i might do for the man i love... something that i might give him to show how much i really do love him, and how thankful i am to be by his side through thick and thin.
I remember things from a past better left forgotten, but they dont hurt me as much any more, sometimes they dont hurt me at all. I remember allowing myself to be used, abused, torn apart and thrown back together all in the name of wanting someone to love, and love me in return. Since that unfortunate incident when i was twelve, wich my parents still dont know about, from at a friend's birthday party... her older brother... while everyone was asleep, using me... In high school, every man i thought i was in love with, where the relationship did not lat more than a few weeks at most...... My time with my dear friend Jason, wishing he would fall in love with me, and then finally realizing we where more like siblings then lovers....... Meeting josh and seeing him as a friend, and then letting it grow into more in my heart, but never trying to push it at him, not only for fear of my own pain, but for respect for him, as he was in love with someone else....
Manny said that things where rushed too soon with josh.. and that it wouldnt work.. that i should be sure it was what i really wanted, the list goes on.... I thought that maybe if i wrote everything down and got it off my chest it would seem easier for others to understand, even if it is comming from a woman with the mentallity of a 15 year old.
Originally Josh and I met online, in a yahoo chatroom, where he was role playing as a panther anthromorph. I was at the time also playing a feline, a certian neo-natzi leopardess named Gustavina. I met him, and it was two weeks before we even knew each other's names, only going by the character names that we portrayed. Two weeks after that i began to have strong feelings for him, but knew he was going out with another girl, and I did my absolute best to ignore the feelings, or not let them show. He was kind to me, he didnt care what I looked like, and we had alot of fun with our role plays and late night talks.
One day he was verry upset... and it turned out that the woman he was in love with had dumped him. I did my best to comfort him, just like all of his friends did, but he was rather miserable, so when he made the offer for me to come to an anime convention with him and his friends, I agreed, originally so i could see if i could sort out their problems with them, and help them get back together, even with how much it would hurt me.
Once at his college however, not only could I see how dis-interested the woman was, I could see that it would be a long weekend, with Josh so close that i could hug him.....kiss him....My mind wasnt exactly in the right state of mind for being a "friend" Over the weekend, his "ex" ran off, making us both worry our asses off over her, and when we finally caught up to her, she complained that she had needed space, that we were suffocating her. I remember storming off down the street in a city that i did not know, crying after telling her off about the fact that we had been trying to protect her well being... and that if she wanted space she would have all the space in the world...... I dont remember much about being found, i know her friend Sunny did eventually find me, and i think she walked me back.. along with a couple of others... i was too woozy from crying and running, i slipped in and out of consciousness... The nest thing i remember is waking up in Josh's arms, curled to him on the hotel bed, ((both still clothed for those of you that worry about that sort of thing.))
Apparently he had been watching me sleep for a while while he lay beside me, as when I looked up he was allready awake... We kissed, and from that moment I knew that he loved me in return.... I could see in those handsome eyes of his the love he had been misplacing on the woman who had torn his heart apart.. it was for me....... I know that sounds strange, and I know it doesnt make sense to a lot of people, but that is how things started... 3 lonely, voicechat ((and world of warcraft)) filled months later he told me that he had secured me a rent-a-room out of some couple's house. Things didnt go well after about half a year or so as said couple decided they wanted to screw us over major....and I ended up living in the dorm in secret, having been kicked out of my home. Before i was kicked out however he proposed to me... of course I said yes.
He Payed for my trip to Anime Boston in the first place, It was half of his paycheck from the grocery store he worked at every month for my rent and food, and he risked getting kicked out of college and ruining his dreams all in the name of love...... for nearly 4 years I have known the man, we where engaged for near two years, and have been married for near 1 year now... Our marriage took place on June 7, 2006 ... That leads me to what i originally meant to write in the first place, before my fingertips decided to flutter my memories over the keys.
Our one year aniversary is comming up, and i have no idea what to do. The one person who can see past my faults, my short temper and my big mouth, who holds me when I cry... who wipes my tears away and somehow pulls through and gets me most anything i want, even wheni have given up hope of ever getting it....... The man I love with all my heart and soul...... my mate, husband and friend....... I can think of so manny things to say about him, and so manny things i want to eventually do ... but i cant think of a simple aniversary gift. My heart is willing but when i try to draw, the pencil stays still, no thought behind it, when i try to write, the blank page taunts me. I have no money that does not go into rent and taking care of us. Cooking dinner and doing other such "wifely" things are a normal occurance lately....... I dont know what to do..... i could really use some suggestions right about now...... i extend my question to those that know me, and even some that dont, in hopes that someone may answer me with something i might do for the man i love... something that i might give him to show how much i really do love him, and how thankful i am to be by his side through thick and thin.