You wouldn't recognize me, for the light in my eyes is strange.
I finally sat down with my mother today and finally told her what exactly I want to do with the next five years of my life, which is amazing to me because I had no idea a week ago what that precisely was. This whole semester has been me agonizing over what to do after I graduate from college, because I have no idea and there are so many options and so much I want to do, travel and explore the world and find a theatre company somewhere up in the northeast to be a part of and be in Shakespeare plays and get my MFA.
But I finally know now what I want.
I want to take a bunch of fun courses this semester, stuff I actually want to do. I want to act my movie role and see where that leads me. I want to audition for the two productions I have planned right now, and also for a number of internship-level positions at a few theatre companies I've been sending off my resume to. I want to get a better paying job if my schedule allows it and start saving up for either aforementioned internships or for a summer adventure traveling around Europe. I want to graduate college with honors. I want to find a way to be involved in a professional production or with a professional company for summer or fall. And then in the fall, I want to start my applications for MFA acting or Shakespeare programs for 2011.
This is good. This is a plan. I like plans. I like having goals to work towards. And for the first time in a long time, I feel like I know where I'm headed. The panic that's been pressing in at the pit of my stomach everytime I think about the future is easing up slightly. There are still questions I have for myself - I want to travel abroad so badly, Germany, Italy, Ireland, France, Argentina, Turkey, Russia, Austria, Bali, Australia, New Zealand, when will I get a chance to do that? - but that's right now being put alongside the main objective of finding a post-graduate program. I'll do that and save up and lord knows I know how to travel cheap, so sometime in the next few years I'll find a way to take two months and make adventures happen.
There's so much to do and to see, it blows my mind. I've just begun to realize how terribly ambitious I am. I want so much from life, to see the world and really, really make my place in it. I want to see and be seen, to live every day fully and be able to look back even a few years from now and know that I'm not wasting any of my time. I want to know that I'll have really lived after I leave this world. I'm off to a great start - spent the last week in a flipping rainforest, and that just blows my mind. And I know I'll find a way to keep exploring, the world and the depths of knowledge and my art and myself.
I can do this. I know I can.
~*~
But I finally know now what I want.
I want to take a bunch of fun courses this semester, stuff I actually want to do. I want to act my movie role and see where that leads me. I want to audition for the two productions I have planned right now, and also for a number of internship-level positions at a few theatre companies I've been sending off my resume to. I want to get a better paying job if my schedule allows it and start saving up for either aforementioned internships or for a summer adventure traveling around Europe. I want to graduate college with honors. I want to find a way to be involved in a professional production or with a professional company for summer or fall. And then in the fall, I want to start my applications for MFA acting or Shakespeare programs for 2011.
This is good. This is a plan. I like plans. I like having goals to work towards. And for the first time in a long time, I feel like I know where I'm headed. The panic that's been pressing in at the pit of my stomach everytime I think about the future is easing up slightly. There are still questions I have for myself - I want to travel abroad so badly, Germany, Italy, Ireland, France, Argentina, Turkey, Russia, Austria, Bali, Australia, New Zealand, when will I get a chance to do that? - but that's right now being put alongside the main objective of finding a post-graduate program. I'll do that and save up and lord knows I know how to travel cheap, so sometime in the next few years I'll find a way to take two months and make adventures happen.
There's so much to do and to see, it blows my mind. I've just begun to realize how terribly ambitious I am. I want so much from life, to see the world and really, really make my place in it. I want to see and be seen, to live every day fully and be able to look back even a few years from now and know that I'm not wasting any of my time. I want to know that I'll have really lived after I leave this world. I'm off to a great start - spent the last week in a flipping rainforest, and that just blows my mind. And I know I'll find a way to keep exploring, the world and the depths of knowledge and my art and myself.
I can do this. I know I can.
~*~